I mentioned that I went to the doctor, and had some tests that needed to be done. Those were done a couple of days ago.

I had a pelvic ultrasound, and a mammogram.

Because I’m not pregnant, I needed to drink a significant amount of water before the ultrasound. What they neglected to tell me prior, is that when I got to the hospital I would have to do the admitting process first, as if I were checking into the hospital. Which takes TIME. Time in which I still haven’t had my test and needed to pee.

When we finally get into the ultrasound room, they were a bit put out by the fact that Jay was there. Well… This whole thing is a little difficult for me. The not knowing if something is wrong. My bladder (which is always an issue since my second child). And my past victimization have me nervous around things like trans-vaginal ultrasounds (essentially an ultrasound wand goes up into your vagina) because even though I’m there by “choice” it feels like a violation. We know this, and so he came with me for support. I may not show that I’m a nervous wreck, and handle myself well – but I always do better with him there. “Why don’t you sit over there?” “No, thanks. I’m just fine right here.” He was by my head, held my hand, and just unobtrusively stroked my wrist. Sort of a “I’m here, you’re fine, I’m here, you’re fine” mantra message he was sending me. He is awesome, ’cause let’s face it, all this stuff is ALL about the girly bits, which can be a mysterious scary place for a dude.

The whole ultrasound process was a bit of a clusterfuck. First, the lady who first showed us to the room was apparently in training. She says, “I’ll do it first and the someone else will look, okay?” Well, okay. And then stared at me like I was supposed to know what comes next. I just stared back.

Then another lady came in and told me to get on the table, we were apparently going to do the outside before the inside. I told her about my birth defect, and why I was here, which took a little bit. That’s important, because I needed them to look beyond the birth defect — we already know that’s there. And I ask, “Will I be able to pee between the outside and vaginal ultrasounds.” “Yes, but we would have already started if you hadn’t told me that long story.”

Wow! Bitch, much?

I lay down and they do the outside ultrasound. Time to switch. Jay takes my hand to help me up (with my back issues I’m still having, coming straight up is difficult), and the bed goes flying into the ultrasound machine. Apparently, the trainee forgot to put the brake on. Correction — she couldn’t figure out HOW to put the brake on, so she didn’t. Regular lady is not pleased. I go pee, so we can do the vaginal ultrasound. I get back on the bed, now naked from the waist down. They tell me to lay down and I do. Trainee lady comes at me with some cushion thing and stares at me. I stare back. Again. “You sit on this!” It’s a vinyl wedge cushion they apparently wanted me to tilt my pelvis up with. So, Jay helps me do a bridge position so they can slide that in. They do – with the bare vinyl on my bare ass. Regular lady comes in. “I told you before, remember? There is always a sheet between them and the cushion!” I have to do the bridge maneuver again so they can put the wedge under the sheet and me. So, now I’m flat on my back, with a wedge shoving my bits up, and the trainee shoves a clipboard in my face. Apparently I need to sign another release. This time, practically upside down. The regular lady is like, “I think she can wait until after at this point.” So – the vaginal ultrasound gets done. It takes forever, and the lady said not one word at all. None. Zero. Zip. She gets done and tells me my doctor will get the results in a week, and leaves. We’re just sitting there, like “now what?” The trainee lady starts cleaning everything. Around me. Finally she looks at me like – Oh you can dress, sign this first? So I sign, and continue to wait for her to clean so I can dress in some privacy. She was totally clueless.

We move on to the breast center so I can get the mammogram. That place was fine and professional. This was my first one. I can say that it was not painful. A little awkward and uncomfortable, but not painful. However, I would NOT want to do it in the week before my period when I get really sensitive breasts. I bet that would make it an actually painful experience. I kind of wanted say “shut up” to the tech though. I can’t remember how, but the fact that I had just had a pelvic ultrasound came up. Just that. No details. And she replies telling me the whole story of her hysterectomy and how I don’t need to worry about it, it’s an easy process. Woah lady, how did we get from “I had an ultrasound” to “I’m paranoid that their going to cut out my organs?” Then she was annoyed with my hair — apparently it kept getting in the image field. Lady — if you can tame my hair, feel free. I haven’t been able to in 40 years.

Once we left, I was just exhausted.

The doctor was rather non-communitive about what’s going to happen next. I have no idea if I’ll be called about results good or bad. To my knowledge we’re waiting on:

1. Pap smear for cervix number 1
2. Pap smear for cervix number 2
3. Pelvis ultrasound looking for anything abnormal like cysts, fibroids, or other issues with a uterus
4. Mammogram (but that one was purely standard due to my age – I don’t have any lumps or anything that I know of, just getting a baseline)

So… We’ll see what the future holds.