Mixed Feelings

**An aside having nothing to do with the topic… I went and got help. My son’s therapist (conflict of interest much?) is seeing me through another service she works with for adults with a spiritual bent. For? $40 a week. Considering I priced therapists at $125-$175 – I’ll take it. So, I’m getting the help I need, and I feel more in control already. Like… I recognized it and am moving forward before things get really bad. This is good. I’m not saying it’s not an ongoing struggle, but I feel as if it can’t go into an uncontrollable spiral because between my husband and therapist, there are people to see when my inner demons are too much to bear. It’s not just me alone. That helps.

OK. It’s my journal, right? Major historic happenings. Osama Bin Laden. Dead. Why am I not elated? Why am I not chanting USA! USA! USA! Because death was involved.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am relieved. One less truly evil man in the world. One less who killed so many. One less who holds so much hate for others. Justice of major proportions for those personally effected by the attacks he perpetuated, and for the country he defamed and scared witless.

But my lack of elation is twofold. I think it’s wrong to celebrate, truly celebrate another human being’s death. I feel it was justified, but we don’t have to revel with joy in the necessity. It feels wrong to me on a very spiritual level. Justice does not equal joy. The other reason? The battle is not over. Where he was one, there are many more. Please don’t let your sense of closure make you think it’s over. No. It’s not. Please don’t let it make you complacent.

Am I wrong? I’m I a horrible American? I hope not. I’m almost ashamed to say, I’m glad he’s dead. Another human being. I’m glad he’s dead. I watch the videos of people leaping to their death, and I’m glad he’s dead. Everything in me that loves Life itself, cringes from that fact. But I am not ecstatic.