Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Why I am not a Scientologist

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Please Note: I link to a number of sites, including Wikipedia. I do not consider them as ultimate definitive sources, but as jumping-off points to do your own research, or for definitions, in case you’re unfamiliar with the information.

My 20th and 21st years on this planet were very difficult. I knew that I had a particularly difficult life prior to that in certain aspects. That led me to believe that if negative feelings so very strong, whether it be anger, sadness, or guilt, then there had to be something else out there that might make life more bearable and worthwhile to offset these negative feelings. If not, then what was the point of even living? I wasn’t suicidal, I just thought it was pointless to live in this world this way. I was basically asking the question, “Why are we here?” So, I began my research.

I am the type of person who researches everything. I want to know all about it, the pros and cons, experiences of others… Everything. Sometimes to my detriment in decision making. I want to understand why something might exist or not, what’s good, bad, and indifferent. In my quest to figure out what the point of life was, I started researching religions. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I was looking for something. Maybe I was looking for some kind of path. I looked at Taoism, Buddhism, Wicca, witchcraft, Christianity in all its forms, Lutheran, Baptists, Protestants, Methodists, Latter Day Saints, Catholicism. Everything I could think of and more – all faith type structures I could find. Some were more mindsets, and some were formal religions.

Where I ended on my quest doesn’t matter in this story.

One the things I researched was scientology. My research into scientology was just like the other searches. I had the internet. The internet was kind of in its more infantile stages. We’re talking about 1995-1997 – not sure which year, but in there. I was experimenting with new browsers and such at a tech job, and so I was a part of that early wave of general public users. I also read books etc. I just followed the rabbit hole.

I understand how I ended up not joining Scientology versus why someone else might. My research. Others wouldn’t necessarily have done that, it’s just the way I’m built. I didn’t take a personality test, or read Dianetics, or walk into an org. I never got that far because of what I learned. But most people didn’t go that route. And why would they. It’s a “church.” They shelter you from outside news about Scientology such as in the newspaper or on the internet. It protects their image.

They do not talk about the negatives with their parishioners. They are not allowed to research, because they might stumble across negative information about scientology. They teach that’s not within their guidelines. It’s “entheta.” A good scientologist wouldn’t want to do that.

I stumbled across xenu.net/Operation Clambake which furthered the rabbit hole. I learned about what their higher teachings are on earth origins, what spiritually is effecting the earth. I learned about Disconnection, Paulette Cooper, and Lisa McPherson. I viewed her autopsy photos. Those photos might have been the kicker for me, because even with my untrained medical eye, I could see she had longer term damage. Their higher spiritual stories didn’t resonate with me I probably wouldn’t have joined anyway – but those things really turned me away.

I do not believe that they are a church. I don’t believe any spiritual path should hold the ideas of the path or your ascension on that path hostage to money. While most churches take donations and tithes, they do not withhold your path from you because you haven’t paid money. I can walk into any library and check out the Bible, Torah, Koran, or books on Paganism, Wicca, Buddhism, Taoism, etc., and get real, in-depth learning, and not spend a dime. But not in the “church” of Scientology. Walk into a church and ask for a Bible – they’ll hand it over in joy.

Their stance on psychiatry and psychology is crazy to me – pun intended. At the time I was researching, I didn’t have children. But now, I have a kid who needs medication for his mental health issues. It was a long thought out process regarding the risk/benefits of such an action. Our conclusion, he needed it. I firmly believe that without the mental health help we got and continue to get for him, he’d be dead. Scientologists are out there who don’t get the mental help they need because that would make them bad scientologists. Or have committed suicide because they didn’t/couldn’t get the help they needed. That’s a terrible, tragic reality.

I ticked it off my list of potential spiritual avenues, moved onto other things, other paths. Ever since that research, I’ve been so leery when I’ve seen commercials on TV, or celebrities espousing their strong belief. Nothing I could do about it. I’m just a chick living her life. It wasn’t like I had any direct experience where I could go to someone and say this is wrong. It was all an outsider’s opinion and an outsider’s perspective based upon my research. I’m not an investigative journalist, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t concerned about their existence.

And so I want to publicly commend Leah Remini, Mike Rinder, and A&E for their series, “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath.” To you, I say Thank You. Thank you for having the courage, balls, and guts to give voice to the issues. They know the effects this action would have on their personal life and their public life. Scientology is about destruction of their naysayers. Others have certainly buckled under the pressure. Can you imagine A&E’s lawyer bills right about now?

So, I commend them. These people’s stories matter. They deserve to be heard, helped, and validated.

Our Medical Insurance Nightmare

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Let me be clear… This is not a political post. I have no idea how much of this is due to “Obamacare,” although I know at least some of it is in part.

When I was still working for Warner Bros. we had great, I mean GREAT health insurance. When we decided I would come home to be better able to be available for Joseph’s issues and my mom’s issues, we took the health insurance in mind… But it was fine because we had Poe’s. And then he was laid off three months later.

Poe was out of work for two years. For as long as we could, we paid for Cobra. But thousands of dollars later (while on unemployment), we went through all of our savings. After we exhausted Cobra benefits, Poe needed serious, emergency dental surgery. There went all my retirement savings from 18 years of age. Two decades of savings.

But my kids both have medical issues. Forget about Joseph’s doctors and therapists – his meds alone are over $2k per month. Logan needs EKG’s and Echo’s annually, and eventually will need open-heart surgery. And so… I found a program called Heathy Families. In California, it was an alternative to Medi-Cal. I felt better about using it, because I paid premiums, according to our income, rather than being totally “on the dole.”

Eventually I started my own business, but it’s not a corporation, it’s just me as an independent contractor. Poe eventually found a job in security instead of his chosen field of CADD design. As a contractor, I don’t get employer insurance. Poe is offered insurance… The premiums for which are about 80% of his take home pay. So – we cannot afford it. Even after the updates due to Obamacare – now it’s about 85% of his take home pay. We still can’t afford it.

Eventually, Medi-Cal absorbed Healthy Families, and we were officially “on the dole” due to our income level and my children’s need for insurance. Don’t like it, but I have to take care of my kids’ medical needs. Poe and I haven’t been insured in years.

So here’s a bit about my private parts – so if it’s too graphic for you, I’ve put it below the fold:

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Help Me Understand Obamacare

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I need your help in understanding what Obamacare would mean for my family. Please note: I am NOT looking for political opinions. They abound, and I have my own. I’m actually looking for what this literally, practically, logistically means for my family.

Here’s our current situation. My husband’s income (not including my own which fluctuates dramatically) is about $475/week. My husband’s employer provides insurance. At about $350/week (yes WEEK not MONTH). Without telling you our actual expenses, but you can be assured that they are the same things that others pay… Rent, car insurance, utilities, food, gas, student loans, etc. We are frugal. Our truck is paid for (and 20 years old). We no longer use our credit cards, but we’re still paying one off. I coupon, use online deals, etc. Most of my clothes have holes in them, because I pay for clothes for my kids (with coupons) since they really are weeds in human disguise. In other words… We’re careful, methodical, and thoughtful with our money.

Income Approximate (as mine varies) per month: $3,500
Expenses:-$3,300
Remaining: $200 – currently put towards “extras” or extra debt, and when the debt is gone it’ll go into savings.

If we bought my husband’s employer’s insurance:
Income Approximate (as mine varies) per month: $3,500
Expenses:-$3,300
Insurance: -$1,400
Remaining: -$1,200

The math doesn’t work – needless to say, we can’t purchase my husband’s health insurance.

My kids, however, have serious medical and mental health issues. Aside from the annual/semi-annual dentist and pediatrician visit, one of my kids has an annual echocardiogram (about $1,500 a year), an electrocardiogram (about $500 a year), one of my kids has a monthly psychiatrist appointment (about $1,800 a year), and his meds ($900/month). So our medical costs NOT including regular well-child visits, OR sick kid visits, is $1,217/mo, $14,600/year. With the well child visits, vaccinations, and when they get sick, it’s obviously more. As a result, we use state subsidized medical insurance for the kids only. I do pay a premium for them, but it’s prorated based on our income. My husband and I haven’t seen a doctor, dentist, or ophthalmologist (I wear glasses), in about 4 years. We would go to the emergency room if we have to for something like a broken bone, or stitches, etc – but thank God we haven’t had to yet. It would probably bankrupt us. For everything else? We suffer. I’ve tried free clinics in our area, but it’s a first come/first served kind of thing to get an appointment, and I’ve yet to actually be able to talk to a real person to try and get an appointment. I kind of need to see a gynecologist desperately.

So. My understanding of Obamacare is… You are required to have health insurance. If you don’t, you pay taxes as a penalty. If you don’t have health insurance, you can use the government health insurance (which doesn’t exist yet). So my question is… Since it doesn’t exist, when do we start getting penalized? How much will the government health insurance cost? What will this (and when) look like for my family?

Again – I’m not looking for political opinions here. I’m looking for what this means, as it stands now, for my family. When I’ve looked into it, I’ve gotten totally confused. Does someone have a website that breaks it down into “real life” for you?

Something You Should Read

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First, I want to say that my son’s issues focus more inward than outward (toward himself rather than others). I don’t fear for others when they interact with my son – but I fear for him. My son suffers from mental illness. He’s 12. We are doing everything… everything in our power to help him. Everything we can think of. We’ve done a good job so far. We have. We are responsible. We watch his triggers. We have him in a special school trained to watch for his triggers before it turns into a crisis for him. Because in full blown crisis, he believes that his life is not worth anything at all. Sometimes he uses the tools he’s been given. Sometimes he forgets to – because he’s 12. Now that puberty has been thrown into the mix, the hormones mixing in with his brain chemistry, it feels sometimes like we’re starting all over again. He suffers. I hate watching him suffer. I worry. Always.

But he’s good. He’s kind. He’s funny and joyful. He’s an incredibly gifted artist, and has NO rhythm whatsoever. He loves to read. He’s discovered Harry Potter (the books) now that we’ve gotten past some of his reading learning disabilities. He’s discovered some other authors, and asks me to put on holds for him at the library. He gladly takes his medication, and he trusts and tries with his therapists and psychiatrist. He cooperates with his own care. He really, really tries. His little brother annoys him, and he worships his father. He has a truly close relationship with our cats (I swear animals are here to be healers sometimes). He asks for affection now. He wants hugs and kisses. And his room is perpetually filthy and smells like 12 year old boy. He likes toast for breakfast, loves ramen noodles, and asked for a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas. And for some odd reason his pants have started hanging off his butt, and I’ve started telling him to pull his pants up.

As I watched things unfold yesterday, I thought to myself, “I am Adam Lanza’s mother. And I’m all those other mothers, who’s children he stole. How, oh HOW do I keep from being Adam Lanza’s mother?” And I kept thinking about gun control. Why is the conversation about gun control? IT’S NOT ABOUT GUN CONTROL. STOP TALKING ABOUT GUN CONTROL. It’s about mental illness. For me, it’s about making sure this child, my child, my 12 year old little boy can grow up to be a functioning adult who doesn’t think “I should never have been born.” He made that statement last week. Thank God he spoke the words, though. He spoke the words and we as his parents, and his therapists, were able to help him through it so he didn’t make the statement a reality. Even a year ago, he wouldn’t have spoke the words. You see the guns don’t matter. If it’s not a gun, it’ll be a knife, or a machete, or a shovel, or pills, or a car, or or or… It’s not about the method. It’s about my son’s beautiful, beautiful brilliant tortured brain.

I don’t know what Adam Lanza’s life was like, or what his motivations were, or what his issues were. But one can logically say he must have been mentally ill to do what he did, right? But by God, I’m trying with my child to make sure that I never have to wonder. The fight is so fucking hard from every aspect.

Another mother wrote a heart-wrenching post. One that felt a little too close for comfort. But truth always is. Please read it. I’m no activist. I’m just a mom trying to her best for her son, and hoping against hope her best is good enough for him to survive. But perhaps the next time someone says “gun control” in reaction to a tragedy and senseless loss of life such as yesterday’s (God, such beautiful lives cut short… families annihilated) you’ll remember this post and think, “OK, but what about helping people cope with mental illness? Could that be a more constructive question?”

I love my son who has social phobia, ADHD (inattentive type), myriad learning disabilities, and clinical depression.
I love my mother who is bipolar (and now has Alzheimer’s).
I tried to love my biological mother who had borderline personality disorder.
I tried to love my brother, who was bipolar and hung himself at the age of 52.
I loved my aunt, who was clinically depressed, and killed herself with a shotgun at the age of 55.
And I try to love myself, I have PMD, and deal with these “episodes of thought” every blessed month, as well as depression.
There are more, but feel I can’t state their stories here. Some got help, some didn’t. None speak of it.

I got help. I got my son help. I couldn’t and can’t help my other family members. But, unlike the rest of my family, I refuse to be silent, the secret, the skeleton in the closet. I want my son to LIVE. And so here, I air my dirty laundry. Maybe it’ll help someone out there speak up, for themselves, or for their child. Maybe it’ll prevent terrible tragedies. Maybe it won’t do anything at all. But I refuse for it to be something to be ashamed of.

Voting Day

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Today is voting day in the United States of America. While votes happen annually or more for local/state etc… This is the big kahuna – the 4 year Presidential election.

I live in California. There are a few initiatives on the ballot that I think are “heavy hitters.” I was a little bothered that I didn’t even know they were up for anything until I read my voter information. I was surprised at the lack of publicity over the potential changes to the three-strike law, or the freakin’ death penalty. I mean, c’mon. Regardless of your actual stance on the subject, “do we execute these criminals or not” or “dude, do we kill ’em” might be important. Just sayin’.

Anyhoo… If you have the right to vote? Use it. If you don’t, you have no right to complain, and you’ve just shown your ignorance. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. If you’re given some sort of say and don’t use it? You negate your ability to complain about the results. I don’t necessarily like everything about how the system works (for example, I believe we should get rid of the electoral college), but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to vote. I consider it a privilege, exercising my right, and a duty as an American. If I want my governmental body a certain way, than I have to use the legal device I’m given. If the rest of populace doesn’t vote my way, at least the hope is that the governmental body will reflect the wishes of the majority of the people of the country even if they’re all wrong.

The folks who don’t vote because it’s inconvenient? “I can’t get off work,” or “I work nights,” etc? No excuse. That’s why we can vote by mail. Poe works nights. He will be asleep, or at the very least not coherent, during the times the polls are open. So, instead, he votes by mail. I work from home (which doesn’t mean my time is my own – the clients expect me at the computer doing the work I’m being paid for). I have two kids. My elderly folks are next door. And? We have odd emergencies other folks don’t seem to have. Such as yesterday when my father came over in a panic ’cause he lost mom. Yes, really. Because I truly never know what to expect around here? I vote by mail.

The folks who don’t vote for reasons like, “it’s one of two evils,” or “I’m Libertarian and my guy will never win” simply don’t fly for me. Awwwwww, boo-hoo-hoo. Figure it out. You’re whining. Be an adult. Which leads me to another opinion.

I think a great majority of folks would agree with the above. But I also think you should REALLY VOTE HOW YOU FEEL. If you truly believe in the Libertarian party, then vote for Gary Johnson. If you truly feel Ron Paul is the choice for you, because he lines up most with your beliefs, then write him in. If you settle for voting for one of the “big guys” because you feel that’s the only way your vote will count, you’re not exercising your rights, you’re settling. I think that if more people would vote how they truly feel, that’s when REAL change would start. I personally am voting for one of the “big guys,” but that’s because I think one of them is the right answer for this election. I’m not settling. If I felt Ron Paul was the dude, that’s who I’d vote for, and let the chips fall where they may, because that’s how I think it should work. True, my guy might not win THIS election. But what if everyone started voting on their true beliefs and gut? What would happen? Would it upset the apple cart? Probably. But would the will of the people have spoken? Yes.

I figure this late in the game you already know what’s on the ballot and where your polling place is so I don’t have to smack you on the back of the head. But here’s a couple of places they’ll be tracking results if you need it:

Have your say. Exercise your rights. Be an adult. Be an American. Vote.

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