Today’s question comes from Mr. Fabulous: Is it okay to keep secrets from your spouse?
Huh. I guess it depends really on what you’re talking about. There are yays and nays on this one.
For example, surprises are secrets, but those are okay. Gifts, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, parties, or that “just something special.” Those are okay. They’re meant to surprise and delight.
Another example, which I don’t feel are so much secrets as privacy (Graphic Ahead Warning – below the fold):
You may not tell your spouse that you masturbated last night before they came to bed, but I feel that’s more in the range of privacy – not secrecy (in moderation of course). Or perhaps you’re a woman, and you have raging PMS, and right now you think he’s a low down, rotten, annoyance (not YOU honey!!), but you keep it quiet because you know it’s raging hormones, and you don’t need to share hurtful things. There are many times I don’t tell my husband something, not purposeful omission, but because I doubt he cares about it. Minor things – such as buying new underwear or something, yippee.
But then there are other things… Things where 1) They really are secrets you’re keeping or 2) Omission is indeed a lie/secret. Example: Personally, I feel that if you’re in contact with an ex, and you don’t tell your spouse (even if it’s innocent!!), that’s NOT an okay secret. Why? Because YOU may think it’s innocent, but could very well jeopardize the spouse’s security in the relationship. Another: Spending $150 on the ATM. Bounced checks anyone? There are many others.
In my opinion the legitimacy and “okay-ness” varies from couple to couple. But the general rule would be the motivation for the other NOT to know. If it’s to surprise and love? Great. Is it privacy that won’t hurt the spouse? Great. Is it just banality? Great. If, however, you find yourself saying, “I can’t let them know about this because XYZ…” That’s when you’re in scary territory. That’s when you step up to the plate and tell them – otherwise your very relationship is in trouble.
And a little word to the wise to the men… We will always find out. Always. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday you will slip. We will remember. We will call you on it. Save yourself the trouble, and fess up now.
Need advice? Have a question? What would we do? Send a comment or email and ask! Maybe you’ll be featured next Wednesday…
Hey now…women need to fess up as well! 🙂
I don’t see anything wrong with telling your husband you masturbated before he came to bed. Now if you’re doing it just to piss him off, that might not be kosher. But generally speaking, I don’t see what the big deal is. I tell D about that kind of thing all the time. As far as I can tell, it usually makes him perk up. LOL