I’m sitting here, looking at the blank page, wondering what in the world to write. And I don’t know.
There’s all kinds of things going on… I just… don’t seem to have the brain cells to assimilate them here. Hmmm.
I’m struggling with a lot lately. There’s the plain, old fashioned stress of dealing with a marriage, 2 special needs kids, elderly, sick parents, and a full time job. Been there, done that, why hash it out again.
There’s been an ongoing stressful issue at work I’ve been dealing with – which I can’t talk about, ’cause it’s work.
Then there’s the health issues I’m dealing with… But I don’t have a resolution yet – maybe this week? So, I’m playing a waiting game.
There’s also the lack of inertia I feel at home. It’s impossible to be the wife, mother, and homemaker I truly wish to be while working a full time job outside the home. I know that sounds like whining. Maybe it is. But I can’t shake it. I feel I should be home. My husband agrees. Finances dictate in this case, and the numbers just don’t work for now. I get that, logically in my head. Which of course, solves nothing. It’s an ongoing battle for me. I just keep holding on, in the hopes that the job I’m doing at home is “good enough” for now. Put the health issues into play though – and I just don’t think it is. Good enough.
So pardon the mood. It may stick around a while.
We’re taught that we can “have it all” – their definition. Whoever “they” are. The education, the career, the home, the family… And that a good modern woman can juggle it all. I’m not a good modern woman. I want to be a biblical woman. I want my definition to be biblical. And that’s a good thing – I have NO problems with that. It’s just that we live in this world, where there are student loans, and they need to be paid. There are finances to juggle. And I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried to make the numbers work. They simply don’t – frugally. And when you go truly frugal and they still don’t work? Puts my spirit in a true bind. Stuck where I don’t want to be and where I don’t think I should be.
Instead I’m unhappy, unhealthy, and don’t know my place anymore.
I’m NOT a modern woman living in a modern world, and I can’t seem to bridge the gap.
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