Back in March, my birthday came and went without a lot of fanfare. We don’t have money right now for celebrations. That was fine. I was disappointed by how I felt about this birthday, 35, anyway. Halfway through my 30’s, on my way to 40, and I was disappointed in my life. Completely starting over financially. “Stuck” living by my parents to help them. Still overweight. Still smoking. Poor. An unemployed husband. No savings. A fledgling business. I felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.
But I’m working on all of those things. Because when I turn 40 I want to be in a place that it’s just fabulous.
But I’ve learned a lot in my 35 years on earth.
I’ve learned that the gray in my hair doesn’t bother me in the least. I’ve learned to stop caring what others think. Sometimes I still have to remind myself of that, but it’s true. I don’t particularly care what you think of me. I’ve learned that I have really broad shoulders, and I can handle a lot of responsibility. I’ve learned that I have an inner mama-bear and can be a true advocate for my kids’ needs. I’ve learned that I’m a loyal wife, and a loyal friend. I’ve learned that I’m not frivolous, I’m not silly, I’m serious. And that’s okay, as long as you have balance. My husband creates that balance in our lives. I’ve learned what my politics are. I’ve also learned when I need to turn off the flow of information. I’ve learned when I need to ask for help (although it’s still a struggle for me.) I’ve learned more about what my personal faith is and looks like (although I’m still struggling with it.) I’ve learned to love through the not so lovable moments. I’ve learned that I can love and care for my family, even if I don’t particularly like them at that moment. I’m slowly learning to let things go that don’t matter in the long run. I’ve even learned I have a knack for home decorating – not that I have the funds to indulge in it. I’ve learned to stand up for myself. I’ve learned that I scare people with my bluntness, but I’ve learned that I’m never mean. I’ve learned to tell people when I think they’re going down the wrong path, but how to make a bad haircut something positive. Yes, you look fat in that, but man do you look fabulous in this. No, you shouldn’t live with him first, but I’ll give you a bachelorette party to remember. I’ve learned when to have tact, and when the superficial tact will get in the way of what someone actually needs.
So, while I’m not where I want to be in life – I know I’m working on it. And these last 35 years have not been a waste – I’ve learned something from them. That’s really all I can ask.
I think you really are where you want to be…because all the things you want would be nothing without what you’ve already got.