Well… Jay made some decisions today. He is going to upgrade his discharge. There is only one kind of discharge that would allow him to re-enlist, out of 6 upgrades he could get. So, he’s decided to pray to God that if he’s upgraded to that kind, God wants him back in the service. If God doesn’t want that, then he doesn’t, I get a new job, and Jay enrolls in school. The Bible tells us to pray in specifics, and to make sure it’s (whatever “it” is) is what God wants. I’m behind Jay one hundred percent, no matter what the final outcome is.
Jay and I had a long talk last night, and I gave him all my thoughts, he gave me all his, and we discussed the future of our family, and what we feel God wants for us. I then told told Jay that now since he knows what I think, then he can make the decision he feels best. He’s head of the household, and I trust him. If he used a heavy hand, then I wouldn’t, but he takes my input and talks to me, and I know that he weighs the pros and cons about our big decisions. Who knows where this will take us. One thing is for sure. We are headed in a new era of our lives. That’s just fine with me.
I’m scared to death of the whole thing. This means I will probably be quitting my job at some point. It will either be because we’re moving to another area (service), or it means I’m getting a better paying job to support us while Jay goes to school. I’m very comfortable in my position. Maybe that’s reason enough to move on.
Even though this may be a few years off, one reason we’re doing this is so I can be a stay-at-home mom. We both feel that’s my place. Not as a “woman”, but as me Michele, wife and mom. That’s what I want to do. Jay sees the toll that this working mom thing is taking on me. Jay stays home during the day, and works at night. Joseph doesn’t see this. When he goes to bed, dad’s there. When Joseph wakes up, dad’s there. Joseph always wants Jay. Jay is the only one who can comfort him sometimes. This really hurts. It’s neither of their faults. Jay is always there, so he’s the comfortable parent for Joseph. But this conflict is inside me because I’m the mommy. Jay sees how hard this is for me, and we both try to compensate, and that just causes more conflict and some hostility. We don’t want it to be this way, but neither one of us has been able to come up with any creative solutions.
We’re both trying to do the best for our family as we can. We love each other. But this parenthood thing is the toughest, most exhausting thing I’ve ever done with my life. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that for thousands of years, people have been raising kids, and lived through it. There are a lot worse moms out there than me whose kids came out just fine. Thank God.
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