Well. I have terrible news.

Well. I have terrible news. There’s no way to say it except to just say it. My oldest brother, Robert, hung himself the day before yesterday. At 3am. There is so much backstory, and baggage, and conflicting feelings right now. My mom is up north with his live-in girlfriend of 6 years, who is devestated. My mom is helping her financially with all the arrangements and as next of kin legally since they weren’t married. I’ve had to take and make all the phone calls, since my parents were on vacation when this happened, and went directly to Robert’s home. Robert’s girlfriend called me since my parents were on vacation and she couldn’t get ahold of them. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – telling your own mother that her firstborn son has hung himself and is dead – over the phone no less. I’ll be going up there for the services, but the coroner hasn’t released his body yet. He left a note. I haven’t been able to read it yet, but my mom has. The coroner had to keep the original, but his girlfriend was allowed to keep a copy (she thought my mom would want it and she was right). For now, I’ll be mom’s eyes and ears and buffer. I’ve been trying to push this from my mind and just be there for my mother – but I’ve had to speak with people on my mother’s behalf that I just really do NOT want to speak with… Such as my brother’s ex-wife whose actions went a long way towards this suicide – and her new husband who also went a long way to this. Talking to my biological mother. Haven’t done that since I was 11 – yeah that was easy (technically my brother is my and her cousin). I have to call another cousin that I have some backstory with who is estranged from the family today. This is just so hard. Sometimes I think I’m not taking this hard enough, since he was brother. Other times I think I’m taking it too hard, since we weren’t close, and he didn’t like me (he had issues with my mother taking me in as a baby). And I’m angry. And sad. And confused. And very very very grieved on bahalf of my mother who just lost the only child she actually bore from her womb at 18 – she’s 75 now. I’m spent.