Warning: Whining Ahead

The stress is starting to manifest in physical ways. I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks, which I think is finally on the mend. I’m at the cough stage. Having 2 babies in 2 years did a permanent number on my bladder. It’s not pretty coupled with wracking cough spasms. I’m broken out all over. I’ve had an acne problem since entering my 30’s (as well as gray hair – it’s wrong to have both), but on my face. It’s all over my body now. The worst, by far, is the sleeplessness.

As I write this, it’s 2:22am. I went to bed at 1am. I tossed and turned and just decided to get up and write. Maybe venting will give some relief to my mind. Normal (which hasn’t been for months now) is going to bed between 10-11. I have no trouble sleeping once I get there – but I cannot turn my mind off at all when I get into bed. I have a meeting at 9:30. This day will suck. Plus, I have an event to attend which I’ll be writing about elsewhere, but that will bring me home around 11pm or maybe even midnight depending on traffic. I need sleep.

Poe’s been out of work now going on 4 months. The financial situation is very dismal. Our credit is going into the toilet. I don’t know what to do.

Let me be frank. I try not to get into spiritual or religious matters here, because a lot of my thoughts used to get written down in my prayer journal. But it’s all dried up. You see, I’m not getting any answers from God. I’m getting complete silence. Static even. Nothing. I try praying. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried just being silent and letting God talk to me, on the concept that maybe I’m just in the way of the communication – but nothing. And now I’m getting mad. Frustrated. Alarmed. Upset. Depressed. So what am I praying for exactly? Not a job for Poe. I’ve been praying for other things. Doors to open. Opportunities to be shown. I’ve always understood that there’s His plan, and we don’t always know what those are going to manifest as. So rather than praying for a job, I’ve been praying to understand, such as is there a plan? Can He give me peace while I’m waiting? Is He there? Does He hear me? I mean – who knows? Perhaps the world is going to end… Perhaps some other something’s going to happen… So, I pray for the knowledge of the steps I need to take. Should we even be job hunting? That one job fell through, and there’ve been no other nibbles. Should I be job hunting? Which is frustrating in and of itself, because when I quit my job in November, I did so with more than a year’s preparation and God’s clear leading on every little step. While I can sit and wait – I’m not even getting God’s leading to do THAT which is really very strange and I’ve never had that happen before. In past years if things felt like they were in limbo, or it was a time of trying, I always had the leading from God of “wait on Me, I’m your peace.” Right now? Absolutely NOTHING. I’ve prayed about lessons. Are we supposed to be learning something and we’re clueless? Nothing. Are we doing something wrong that needs correcting? Nothing. I keep chanting in my head “God will provide for His children.” But as we default on student loans, and the credit we’ve worked so hard to build crumbling, and choosing between food and electricity, I’m so very disheartened. Because the silence is deafening. I’ve looked into state help. Believe it or not – we make too much on unemployment, and would have to giveaway (not sell) our cars to qualify for food stamps. And no, we don’t have new cars – our newest car is 10 years old. Which is ignorant, because then how would Poe get to interviews and then a job when he can’t get there? We’re in the suburbs and don’t have public transportation. And so I pray some more. And get nothing in return. No peace. No signs. No answer. I’d actually be okay with “Wait.” That means there’s something in the future he’s preparing for us. I can handle that. Perhaps not without anxiety, but it’s an answer.

I don’t question God’s existence. I see it all around me. I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel you can go from nothing to humans who can perform brain surgery without a Creator. But I’m questioning a lot about everything else. It’s so disconcerting. I’ve been through an awful lot in my life. And behind it all I’ve had a Comforter. Even when things were at their bleakest before I felt that God’s hand was there to hold me and comfort me.

And so now I’m angry. Why did He tell me so very clearly to prepare and leave my job? It was very hard, and I had to face down a lot of obstacles, but I did it because I truly felt God telling me to. Period. So I did it. I absolutely have no regrets in doing so, even now. But WHY would He when He knew this was coming? I’m angry because His Word promises to never leave me or forsake me. I feel very forsaken now. Not because of our circumstances… Our circumstances seriously suck, but they’ve sucked before. But because I feel that His presence is completely gone, and that’s completely contrary to what I understand about His character.

I’m angry and bewildered. Saddened. Floundering.

I’ve always felt that God helps those who help themselves. By that I mean them taking the necessary steps to what they feel God leading them to. In other words, you don’t sit and pray and magically have food in front of you. You take the necessary steps to get it there, and God provides in those steps. I’ve had wonderful miraculous experiences happen that are fully God’s doing. And a lot of them were because I walked through a door He led me to, or told me to walk through.

But there’s such silence.