Trapped

I’m feeling rather down today.  I know I need to give it time, but I was really hoping to find a job from home.  Looks like that’s not meant to be.  Technically, I can go home in 2012.  4 years from now – when all our student loan debt would be paid off.  Which, in the grand scheme of things, not so terribly bad.  The kids will only be 10 and 12.

On the other hand, I feel trapped.  I can’t move to a cheaper state – my parents are here, and I’m the only kid who’ll lift a finger to help them.   I need more time in the day to be able to help them.

Logan’s surgery will be in the next couple of years, and I have no idea how long of an absence I’ll have to take from work to stay home with him.

Joseph’s case has a lot of meetings.  A lot.

I need flexibility.  I don’t have any.  I’m not mothering them.

And then I got notice today that it’s time to re-enroll in daycare for next year.  And it made me cry.  Because I thought I wouldn’t have to.  But I do.  I’m really struggling today.  Really struggling with the fact that I’ll probably be right where I’m at for another 4 years, when I really know deep down it’s not what’s good for the family.  But I’m trapped by circumstances.

I’m waiting on God.  I know where He wants me.  I’m just having trouble with the how part.  Once a plan is made, I like to go for it.  Gung ho.

I hate whining.  And yet, here I am doing it.   But dear God, I don’t want to fill that enrollment form out.