This Year is Somehow Different

For the last two years, I’ve basically ignored myself.  Some of it was on purpose.  For example, I’d struggled with weight loss and body image issues for so long, that I purposefully ignored them.  No attempting weight loss.  No struggling with clothes, fashion, etc.  Does it fit, and the colors go together?  Fine.  No dieting.  Everything else got ignored too.  I didn’t shave my legs unless it was date night (wink).  I didn’t get my nails done.  Cut my own hair, when the frizzies took control.  Makeup was a big deal.  I ignored myself in other ways too.  I became sort of robotic in getting through the day.  It’s been a survival mechanism of sorts.  I know I’ve been in depression on and off.  But there was no money for drugs, no money for doctors.  Anything in those terms had to be put towards the kids.  It’s not a good thing.  It just is.

This year is somehow different.  I’m ready to change my life.  But I didn’t come to some sort of decision.  Not really.  It just happened.  Something has changed.  I’m ready to tackle my weight.  I’m ready to tackle becoming more healthy.  I’m ready to tackle girly things.  Regardless of how trivial, it does matter.  But I’m making changes.  I’m analyzing things that don’t work, or obstacles that trap me.

I’m still working on quitting smoking using a step down method I created for myself.  It’s working.  It’s very slow, but that’s on purpose.  I’m down to 14 a day instead of more than 20.  Doesn’t sound like much, but that’s more than 2 packs less a week.  And I’ve not given up.  As for weight loss, I can’t afford to do anything structured, I’ve found.  So – I took a look at my diet, and figured out what stopped me and fixed it.  I never eat breakfast, snacks, and rarely eat lunch.  So, I’m eating a meal bar in the morning ,because I get up so early, making food is seriously gross to me, so I can grab it and eat it while working without thinking.  Snacks, are timed, and are either snack bars, or an easily enclosed fruit (like a banana), and another meal bar for lunch.  I cut out the obstacle of not really having time to stop, but still ingesting nutrients, which is necessary.  Dinner is the same as it always is.  I’m not worrying about it, just watching my portions.  I hate drinking water, so I’m using Crystal Lite, and that’s palatable to me.  That gets the fluids in me I need, but not as much soda.  As for exercise, I tried the Couch to 5K, and realized I REALLY REALLY hate running.  So…  3 days a week I do the shred, or just the gazelle in front of the TV.  I figured out the timing to get around other obstacles in my head.  This is good.  So, I’m moving.

If I can come up with the money, which I think I worked out, I’ll be doing something utterly ridiculous soon.  I need to get out of the house.  I need to interact with others – much as I kind of hate people.  So, I’m taking a tap dancing course.  It’s something I can do, I’m actually pretty damn good at it, and don’t feel like a poseur, like I would if I were taking something like hip-hop.  I seriously coveted the grownups high heeled tap shoes as a child in tap, and now I get to wear them 😉  I feel so silly telling you about it, because it brings to mind sequins, tulle, recitals, and parents in the audience with their trusty camera ::shudder::.  But guess what?  I’m doing it anyway.  It’s fun!  When I told Poe, the look on his face was classic.  He was stuck there, laughter alternating with supportive, right there warring on his face.

You know what I did last weekend?  While watching Netflix, I polished my nails.  They don’t look half bad, and make me feel sexy.  I shaved my legs.  I have no idea why.  I just did.

I’ve been researching and studying spiritual matters important to me – not what I was told to study, or what others deem important.

After these small incremental changes, I realized something.  I hate to quote Justin Timberlake, but I’m totally bringing the sexy back.  And?  It has nothing to do with my husband.  Now, there are fringe benefits that go with it, surely, but I realized that what’s really happening, is I’m reclaiming me.  I’m reclaiming my womanhood.  I’m doing things slowly but surely that make me feel sexy, confident, and attractive inside and out.  I’m learning about myself – what makes me tick, and how to make these changes work with me instead of against me.  Somewhere along the line, “it just doesn’t matter,” stopped creeping in my head.  Life is just so short.  This is still the case.  Whereas before, that made me feel defeated, and as if what I was doing didn’t matter, who cares?  Why take the time or the energy?  Now, it’s as if that very fact is prodding me on.

I’m finding Michele again.  I didn’t even realize I’d lost her.  This year is somehow different.