For the last month or so, I haven’t been visiting the adoption boards as I once did. I haven’t been moving forward in the search for the oldest sister. I haven’t done much of anything in particular since finding my youngest sister. I did send the letter to my brother (althought I haven’t heard anything). I did send the adoption waiver to the state for my oldest sister’s file. But I know where she is and who she is, and yet, I haven’t moved on it.
The only thing I can think of is that finding my youngest sister was so overwhelming and BIG to me that I’ve wanted to soak that in first.
I know that intellectually, I have a lot of healing still to get through. I know that. But it’s like my brain went, OKAY PAUSE HERE. I suppose finding one of my family members, and reuniting (no F2F yet) is where I want to be at the moment. Like I can’t go much further right now. I need to stop and process. Slow down, and deal with this. Learn about her. Anything else would detract.
I feel it though. In the back of my mind. Pressing. I know it’ll burst forth soon.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about what led my natural mother to leave me. I’ve thought about all I’ve learned about adoption, and natural mothers, and I think it was the first daughter that did it. I think that after her first daughter, she was too damaged for the rest of us. After reading so many natural mother blogs, I think I get that in my head. But I don’t forgive her. I don’t know that I ever will. I was 4 and I called her mommy, she left, she never came back. I can’t yet forgive her for that. I wasn’t to be tossed. I was a child, and she was the only mother I’d ever known, and she decided to move away and have a different life. One that didn’t include me. Even now, 27 years later, I’m a 31 year old woman, and she still wants nothing to do with me. She still doesn’t want to be my mommy. I know that I was raised by another mommy, And mom and I love each other, and are very close. But my heart can’t seem to escape it.
My mother didn’t want me.
I’ve forgiven her of her first daughter. Perhaps that’s not my place, but I don’t care. I’ve forgiven her for that. She was in a place that so many natural mothers were. 16, alone, a ward of the state. She won’t tell me any other details, and these things I got from other family members. But based on other stories out there, I would be willing to bet there was cohersion involved. I get what happened in that case – even saw it happen to a friend in high school first hand.
But what about me. What about the 4 year old little girl she left. She left other kids too. And they have their own issues to deal with, with her.
I was your second born daughter, your first to raise. What on God’s green earth was wrong with me? Intellectually I know there was nothing wrong with me. I was 4. And if I was anything like my youngest, who’s 4 now, damn cute. I know all that in my head.
But all the 4 year old inside me knows is that mommy never came back for me.
Oh, this really makes me hurt for you.
It’s a long journey trying to find peace with this sort of thing.
I wonder what goes through the heads of people who hurt their children. 🙁
I have no words to comfort, except to say I am so sad for the pain you are in.
Your experience is beyond my understanding. You’re enormously brave to share it so openly and directly.
Thank you.
Margie
thanks you guys. It really means a lot to me.
wow. no words to offer. just that you are completely right in your feelings. i get that. oddly, on a different side of the fence, thats what i felt with in surrendered my daughter. “What about me!!!”. Everything was about my daughter, my parents, society. Its like I did not exist and my feelings did not matter.
This broke my heart! You are an amazing person despite all that you have been through!