The Stuggle to Keep On

The basic why is I’m struggling.  Greatly.  I want to be home, I need to be home, and I think God wants me home.  But I’m not home.  And so I’ve been struggling – emotionally, spiritually, and practically with that fact.

I’ve never been one to wait things out.  I’ve no patience.  Once a decision is made, I can never seem to understand, “Now isn’t the time, ” or “Wait,” or “in the future.”  I’ve made a decision, so why can’t I follow through?

It’s made it very very difficult to go to work every day.  I’m physically exhausted.  Nothing seems to be getting done anywhere!  At work, at home, or my online activities.  I’m failing at everything.  And since this is what’s rolling through my head on a near constant basis – I haven’t been writing, because who wants to hear that over and over and over again?

I feel that BlogHer is going to be a turning point for me.  I don’t know why.  It’s a conference.  A conference of, you know, the coolest people ever, but it’s still a conference – a series of meetings – so I don’t know what I think will happen.  Perhaps I just need the rest from my daily life?  Maybe that’ll give me perspective?

I honestly don’t have the answer, so I’m just trying to hang on while everything seems to crumble around me.  It’s a mental crumble – but a crumble just the same.  I’m trying to remind myself that my children are (relatively) healthy, my marriage is healthy, so everything’s good.

Right?