So – then entry that I wrote that was lost. Hm. Here’s the generalized homogenized version. I realized through research that I have depression. Not the blues, but perhaps clinical depression. Poe and I have talked (a lot) about it, and he knows that I just do not want to go on medication, nor do I want to be in therapy. I will, however, if I have to. But we’re going to try some other things first.
It’s been a very dark place in my mind. Full of apathy and self-loathing. No motivation. No energy. And the most difficlut thing was the lack of caring.
Straw that broke the camel’s back… I didn’t care that we were almost out of toilet paper. One bathroom trip away from none in the house. I didn’t care. This is unusual for me. I would normally care. Not in a panicked way, but more in a “Hey honey – while you’re grabbing dinner, can you grab some TP?” Nope didn’t care. I cared that I didn’t care though. I didn’t care about ANYTHING I normally did. I used to have hobbies and interests. I didn’t care anymore. This here blog was like pulling teeth to find or think of material. I didn’t want to talk about any of it. I was mad at everyone. Trying to hide it. I can’t tell you the last time I pulled any of my materials for my crafts or jewelry making. All I did was play WoW or watch tv. Anything physical exhausted me. I just wanted to be left alone in my little bubble.
Everything’s suffered. The house – a disaster. I mean Poe can only keep up so much. I’ve gained a terrible amount of weight. We already know I hold my stress in my body and end up with cardiac symptoms, rashes, you name it.
Anyway – it came to a head. Poe doesn’t completely understand, but he knows I’m feeling that way. We’ve started doing some things which are helping me to not be so overwhelmed. Baby steps, ’cause he knows I don’t want medication, at least not right away.
It’s starting to work. I feel like I’m clawing my way out of a dark dark hole. I’m still in the hole, but I finally see some handholds.
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