Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Impressions on Being Home

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So, I’ve been home a couple weeks now.  Three?  I don’t know, the days go by so fast.

The first thing that comes to mind is, I’m exhausted.  I was exhausted before.  But this time, I’m not stressed out too, so that’s good.  I am going to bed earlier and earlier.  My work day ends after cleaning up dinner.  And I’m just wiped.

I’m having trouble with timing.  There are things I want to do online, with the house, and with my business, and I’m having real trouble putting it all together.  Just when I get into a groove – Stop!  Have to pick up a kid.  Another groove – Stop!  Have to pick up the other kid.  Believe it or not, I’m going to be putting together a spreadsheet today in 15 minute increments, and placing blocks of time of doing certain things.  It sounds anal, but I really need to get some kind of plan in place.

But the height of excitement came when I went to Target.  At 11am.  On a weekday.  It Was Awesome.

The house is still a mess, but the dishes are always done and the laundry is on a schedule and caught up, so I really have made progress.  I used to have to do laundry all day long on the weekends, and even then it usually stayed in the baskets with me rummaging around in them to find the kids’ clothes, and mine.  And then Sunday I would spend doing all the dishes we used in a week.

It’s been a pretty big transition.  But it’s ok.  Our budget needs some more tweaking.  But I’m working on it.

That’s where my head’s at these days.

Shifts

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I’m finding that my brain is shifting.

I’m starting to shift into home mode.

During the day, my mind drifts from work, and I think about what I’d be doing that time of day at home.

Do I know that it’ll be just as hard at home?  Yes.  Do I know that starting my business is hard?  Of course.  But that’s where my heart truly lies.

I keep thinking about my schedule for the day, and how I’m going to accomplish what it is I want to accomplish.  Should I switch to my laptop, and make my desktop a “family” computer?  If so, where do I put it?  Do I want Logan to do his homework when he gets home from Kindergarten, or later when his brother gets home?  Do I want to grocery shop Mondays or Tuesdays?  Am I going to finally work out?  I want to get a radio for the kitchen.  What chores are the boys old enough for?

This is what’s consuming my thoughts for now.  This is why I haven’t been writing very much.  I am enveloped by all of this until things finally shake out.

I had two a-ha moments at work.  One was for a shindig.  I almost said no.  And then I said yes, because it’s my last fancy thing in the industry.  And then there were plans being made for the Christmas party and I thought, Yay!  I don’t have to do a thing – I won’t be here.

A replacement plan fell through, so I still don’t know if I’ll be there all the way through the end of November.  I’m hoping not, but I’m regretfully prepared if I am.

Terribly boring and all consuming.

Bullets

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The bad things that come when you decide you’re going to do somthing God wants you to do:

  • Your husband loses his mind and buys unneeded game items.
  • Your husband’s car loses it’s alternator.  Still waiting to find out the cost on that one.
  • Your potentional replacement employee (you know…  The one that’ll let you get out of your notice earlier?) is in a major accident, totalling his car and sustaining head trauma.  Thank God his daughter wasn’t in the car at the time.
  • Your parents see all of this and think you’re DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED, and absolutely crazy to try it.
  • And then I come home at night and know that I’ve got nothing left to give my children.  So – I will not be defeated.  I’m coming home.

Reason for the Quiet

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I know I’ve been quiet.  Very very quiet.

Why?

I’ve been thinking.  Debating.  Arguing.  Arguing with God.  More debating.  More thinking.

It’s no secret that I want to come home, that I think my calling is in the home, and that I’ve really had a hard time not being able to fulfill what I think I should be doing.

Today?  I quit my job.  Actually, I put in notice – my last day will be late November.  My hopes are that we’ll be able to train someone to replace me in that time (the wheels of HR move very slowly.)

I’m exhilarated and terrified and my head is pounding and I’m nervous, scared, anxious, what if…  what if… what if…  but know…  The deep down know…  that I’m doing what’s right for me and my family.  I’ve told my boss.  HR has been contacted.

I will be doing freelance projects and stuff.  From home (HA!), which will hopefully gear up in earnest in January.

Wow.

But the reason for the quiet was the internal debate and questioning.  I had to go inward for a bit to determine what I needed to do, what God wanted me to do, and what my family needed for me to do, and how to then make that all work together both mentally and financially.

The most immediate benefit though?  Spending more than an hour a day with my children.

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