Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Come in Children… I have Candy.

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On Halloween, we took the kids to a new street in our little city. Logan’s teacher had given the class her home address (!) so that the kids could come trick-or-treat. According to Logan ONLY UNTIL 8PM AND THEN SHE WON’T ANSWER THE DOOR. He was quite clear on her boundaries. It wasn’t our usual haunt (see what I did there?) but it seemed like a good street, so we continued, rather than going to our regular “spot.”

We can’t trick-or-treat by our house – it’s the 2nd busiest street in our town, sidewalks are hit and miss, and so are the streetlights. Just too dangerous.

Anyhoo… It was a normal trip. The usual sweet kids, the usual rude kids, the same kind of folks answering the door. At two elderly women’s doors, I just about melted. One was just as ticked off as a proper 85 year old woman can get because her outside lights weren’t turning on. The Kids Wouldn’t Know She Has CANDY!! In a word, she was verklempt. At another home, another very proper woman waited. I’d guess 85 or so – but could have been older. She was dressed to the nines – not a costume, but from the era of being “done” until you go to bed. Heels, a brocade pantsuit, hair in full bomb-couldn’t-move-it. Waiting in what cannot be termed an entry way. A vestibule perhaps? It was extremely formal, extremely proper, but you could totally tell she dug answering the door and giving out candy. She looked lonely. I inadvertently insulted one dude. I complimented him on his decorations “this season.” “It’s awesome EVERY season.” Well, okay then. My apologies.

I’m a bit of a helicopter parent. Can’t help it. I don’t trust other people. So I don’t wait out at the street. Poe waits at the street (he doesn’t like my back uncovered). I wait at the bottom of the porch to keep an eye on things (and also to make sure manners are observed). I guess certain habits and anxieties from other parts of our lives just don’t go away no matter how “safe” your community is. So we stop at one house, ring the doorbell and wait. A tall man answers the door, the kids “trick-or-treat!”, and man says, “Come on in!” AND MY KIDS DO.

This is the part where you go OMGWTFBBQ!?!1!

It took me a full second on the porch with my mouth hanging open before I practically tackled the children to save them from the man who invited them into his house. Turns out it’s a dad from the school (who I recognized once the red tinted rage dissipated somewhat from my eyes). The kids knew him and didn’t want to be impolite, and the dad was waiting on costumed children for his kids’ Halloween party – but he didn’t know exactly WHICH kids were showing up. Of course the kids start talking, and the mom comes marching in pissed off, because you see… MY kids weren’t invited thankyouverymuch (which is where I go WTF? ‘Scuse me bitch, but take it up with your husband. I don’t want my kids in your snooty house anyway.) Don’t worry, I was polite. We said our thank yous and moved on. As they closed the door on our butts, I didn’t hear what the wife said, but heard the husband say, “Fine then! YOU answer the door. I was just doing what you asked me to!” Poor guy.

And that’s how my kids ended up lured into a house by candy. Sort of.

How to Abdicate Parenting Responsibility (and Have it Ridiculed on the Internet)

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I nearly forgot I was doing NaBloPoMo. That doesn’t bode well for the rest of the month.

Today’s post features me ranting about someone else’s parenting. Call it Parenting, You’re Doing It Wrong. One of the things I do in my professional life is provide advice in different categories via Skype. I do it through a service. I’m editing the below to remove the service, and make the idiot anonymous. The category this came through was parenting school aged kids. Also, I’m putting the rest below the fold – GRAPHIC WARNING: The discussion of sex (in the context of parenting) follows.

Here are my own opinions on the matter, before I post the discussion.

  • To parent a child, you must address all matters, even icky ones. Not to do so is a disservice to your child.
  • Sex, to some is icky and embarrassing. Even to parents. So what? Just because you feel embarrassed by the conversation doesn’t mean ignorance is appropriate.
  • Your morals, household rules, and religion does NOT negate the responsibility you have to your child. In fact, it heightens it, because not only do you have to have to make sure your child understands the world around them, you also have to provide context and what the mores of your beliefs are.
  • Not giving your child scientific, biological information about their reproductive system, puberty, sex, pregnancy, and STDs could be life threatening to your child.
  • Not giving your child emotional, relational, moral, and religious (if you are) information in regards to sex and pregnancy is irresponsible, and potentially emotionally and mentally damaging to your child.
  • Not giving your child information about subjects they WILL run into for the rest of their life is irresponsible and unforgivably ignorant.
  • Not talking to your child about these subjects because you’re embarrassed is selfish and immature.
  • Not talking to your child about these subjects because they’re embarrassed is thinking like a friend (a bad one) instead of as a parent.
  • Regardless of subject matter, breaking house rules is subject to consequences. For that not to be the case lacks discipline, and gives an example to your child that what they do doesn’t matter. Even though my kids have special needs, and break house rules honestly because of them, rather than disobedience/disrespect, does not mean there aren’t consequences. It just means we take everything into consideration.
  • It is okay to have your child learn from another source, should the other source be more knowledgeable. Examples include giving them books on other subjects, or enrolling them in a class (in fact I know a teacher on the subject!) But that DOES NOT MEAN you get to abdicate responsibility for talking to them.
  • Just because you believe, or your religious scripture dictates, that something is wrong, does NOT MEAN they will not face the issue. Therefore YOU need to face the issue.
  • Finally… If you don’t give them the information, they will find it from other sources. ALWAYS.

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An Example of Good Parenting

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I may piss people off with this one, but so be it. There’s a video that has gone viral. It has folks up in arms both for and against. I’m FOR. So here’s the video. And then I break down my thoughts below. *Warning: There is cussing, so no little kids – but hey… Have your teenagers watch it – we’re actually going to have our kids watch it, swearing and all. And the swearing actually comes from the teenager’s post, not the parent.

My thoughts, which I posted as a comment on the video in a highly condensed fashion:

I think posting this video on her wall is a stroke of genius. The folks whining about how embarrassing that is and shame on him? Um. Number one, she opened that door. Number two, he’s posting on her forum – meaning this is the way she communicates with the world. He’s doing it on her turf, in other words. That’s a greater impact, her friends may think twice about disrespecting their own parents, and it’s a step up in consequence from the last time they tried to “ground” her for doing something similar. Does she have the right to bemoan her life, in all her teenage angsty glory? Absolutely. In her own head, in her private journal, or in a rant to her best friend. So – when she took this to her Facebook friends (Everyone repeat after me: The Internet Is Forever.) she crossed the line, and he’s bringing it right back on her head.

Some of the commenters don’t seem to get that she did something similar and had her privileges taken away (computer, phone, etc). They already went down that road, and she apparently didn’t learn anything from it. In addition, the child just didn’t use her brain – she has an IT guy for a dad.

Respect for your parents is extremely important, and really sets the basis for your interactions within the family dynamic. If I birth, clothe, shelter, and feed you, give you love, don’t abuse you, and discipline you so you’re ready for your entrance into adulthood, I demand respect. Period. It’s my job to train you. It’s your job to learn. Pissing me off is basically pissing in your own pond. In addition to making me mad, it just makes your life, and those around you, more difficult. And respect for other humans in general? Dude. I’m so glad he called her on her attitude towards Linda (a lady that cleans their home in a services/barter type situation).

Paying for chores doesn’t happen around here. I do believe we’re going to start giving allowances… Probably based on a point system. The kids need to learn how to manage money BEFORE they leave the nest, and they cannot do that without actually having money to manage. But it’s not going to be based on chores they’re supposed to do. This is a family. This is our home. First, they need to learn a level of responsibility for their own things. Second, this is a FAMILY. It’s a family home. It needs to be run, we all need to live here, and Mom (aka Me) is NOT the slave, she’s the General. Everyone should have some responsibility in having the home run. Not only do kids need to actually learn the stuff of cleaning and cooking and running a home for when they’re out on their own, they need practice doing it. I left home without knowing how to manage money, without knowing how to clean, without knowing how to do laundry, and without knowing how to cook. Seriously. I had to learn everything on my own – and it was hard, because when I made mistakes, I didn’t know how to correct them. I don’t want that for my kids. I did have chores at home. Keeping my room picked up, and emptying the dishwasher and such. But mom didn’t actually TEACH any of the actual skills I would need later. Further – everyone lives here. A family is a unit, and everyone should have a hand in how it functions. We’re a unit, therefore the responsibilities need to be taken as a unit, otherwise they won’t have any respect for the work that needs to be done, and they won’t learn how to have pride in the results of labor.

As for teenagers having jobs… That’s, I think, dependent on the child. For example, I’ve worked since I was 12. I started out babysitting, and as soon as I was 16 (legal to work) I was working. I worked, all through Jr. High and High School. I got A’s and B’s on my report card, spent 4 years in the Band and Color Guard, and worked every.single.day. for 4 hours (half time) after school. I had to pay for my own car insurance, gas, clothes, extras like music, and food (including lunch at school). After high school, I worked full time, and went to school 3/4 time. I paid for my own books. Now, in my own kid’s life, I don’t know how we’ll handle it. Quite frankly, they have trouble in school. I think the added pressure of a job would seriously effect their education, so I don’t know that we’ll go that route. I don’t disagree with it in theory, but we’ll have to see how they mature. With their particular issues, it may, honestly, be asking for too much of them. But I’ll tell you what. With as much trouble as Poe and I have had in life – If I didn’t have the work ethic that was instilled in me, I’m not sure I would have been able to mentally survive.

Computers and kids… Having a computer is a privilege, not a right. Having a phone is a privilege, not a right. Right now, my kids do NOT have a computer. If they need it to do school work, they borrow ours. We have promised them that if they ever bring home all A’s on their report card, we’ll have the discussion of having their own. Until then, it’s up to us. We have a computer I’ll be setting up for them. Right next to me. I take very seriously the concept of The Internet Is Forever. I understand that we’re in a connected generation. But I think people need to learn how to think and survive without technology first, and then use the technology as a tool to make life easier (or more entertaining) later on. Life skills first, make it easier later. My children do not have phones. Later on, when they’re older, and spending more time away from us, we’ll consider getting them. But wanting a phone to be connected to friends (as one of my sons is currently begging me) is not a good reason.

The generation coming forward, and we’re just starting to see effects of, is a gimme, precious snowflake, participation trophy generation. Let’s get one thing straight. Once you’re out in the real world, you have to work for everything. You have to work for your education. You have to work for your living. You have to work to keep your personal environment the way you want it. Hopefully, you’re able to do things you love – but the work is still there. It never goes away, life is hard. It’s up to YOU to make it rewarding as well. I think we do our children a disservice when we don’t teach them this.

Quite a few commenters said he wasn’t being respectful to her and her property. Yeah, um. Who paid for it? He embarrassed her, how dare he? (Oh, that poor precious snowflake). They said he should be brought up on charges with CPS. I found a comment from someone who claims to work for CPS. They said that 1) He didn’t harm her. 2) He didn’t threaten to harm her. 3) They wouldn’t even come out on a call like this.

Frankly, this is my style of parenting. I’ve taken toys away. Not for a time – but for good. Doors come off hinges. Locks get put on things. My kids have issues, they definitely have. But they are respectful of us, to us, to their grandparents, and to other adults. They are well behaved. They try in school. They have “fun stuff.” They laugh. They’re hugged. They’re loved on. And we expect respect, and to live up to their responsibilities, or face the consequences. We fashion the consequences to make to MOST impact possible, and follow through. The grandparents, especially, think we’re particularly harsh. And we do have to toe a weird line of “is this disrespect/disobedience or part of his mental disorder” that most parents don’t have to deal with. But my kids absolutely know what to expect from us, always. I’m not coddling babies here, I’m trying to train developing minds to be successful adults. We must adjust to abilities, and adjust to maturing/changing/developing brains and hormones. But that doesn’t change our style, or the outcome we’re looking for.

My Son Has Been Censored

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Fabulous.

My son had to write a story for school that he made up. It will eventually be published in hardback with his illustrations. I won’t tell you the story verbatim, but here’s the basic gist: A boy is out on a boat, and he’s having troubles, so his three friends come to help him. As they’re bringing the boat back, limping along, they come upon a shark (IT WAS A SHARK! – My son has already mastered the “caps is yelling rule.”) So, the three friends harpoon it to save their lives. The come back to shore to have shark sushi. The end.

The rough draft came back.

No harpoons. No killing. Or come up with a different story all together.

We aren’t talking about a killing rampage. Or of a murderous person. Or of random animal killing for fun. Boys on an adventure in a ship kill a threat on the sea, thus saving themselves.

Apparently, this is the result of the “no tolerance” ban on weapons in the school. I’m surprised he wasn’t suspended, what with that threatening weapon on the page and all.

I have no idea of what to do. It’s not like I want to make my son the poster boy for free speech, or the poster boy in creativity without censorship. Apparently, if that’s not what I want, I have to instead teach my child the art of bending over gracefully and say, “Thank you. May I have another.”

I kind of hate parenting right now. And the school. And the school district. This is a fight we can’t win, so we’re not even going to try. Frankly, I have quite enough to deal with thanks… what with the psychiatrist appointment for my oldest later this week, and my mother trying to fry her dentures in flour last night (she wanted fried chicken. seriously.). Homeschool never looked better, frankly. But I kind of don’t have time for THAT too.

Realizations

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1. It sucks to have the Most Wonderful Time of the Year snatched from your clutches by a kid with a fever.

2. My son (who never stops talking) never stops talking with a fever.

3. I’m desperately praying it’s “just a virus that will take a few days” since we have no insurance.

4. If I succumb to this, I don’t want to know what my house will look like on the other side.

5. Speaking of, I forget to buy zicam.

6. Childrens mucinex is “spicy and disgusting.”

7. Buying day/night meds for kids and adults (in case we all succumb) cost $60 we didn’t have.

8. Ears and throat don’t hurt (good). He also said that when he had an ear infection, sinus infection, eye infection, and the flu all at once (bad.). I took him to the doctor when the mystery fever got to 105 and “nothing hurts.”

9. I hate when they’re sick and I all I can offer is medicine and juice. I thought the cape I wear is supposed to give me super powers. I should get my money back.

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