Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Simplification

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Despite appearances, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.  I’m merely taking stock.

I fled two blogging jobs that weren’t compensating properly for the amount of time it took.  I don’t have that much time right now, so I cut them.  I’m cutting feeds right and left – things I just skimmed aren’t worth my time right now.

I’ll never leave blogging – it’s my journal, and I’ve been here a very very long time.  I’m just simplifying the things that take away brain capacity.  Sometimes it feels like I’m full up in my head and everything is sort of sliding off the top ’cause there’s no more room.  So I’m making room.

I’m also looking into other blogging possibilities – while being properly compensated.  I don’t have great expectations, just open to the possibilities.  I’m also looking to the possibilities of at-home telecommute positions, in order to get me home before we’re technically out of debt.  All part of my plan.

Simplification and drawing in close around the nucleus of my family.  That’s the intent.  I’m not going anywhere…  Just closing the sphere a little bit.  I’d rather read a few blogs that effect me, rather than hundreds that just sift through.  I’d rather have a paid blogging job that pays “real” salaries than “settle” just to say I’m writing.  I’d rather work at home than outside the home so I can better instruct my boys in life, instead of giving them a hurried hour before bedtime while mentally drained.

I’m circling the wagons.

pondering

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Do you ever wonder about your existence?  Your purpose?  Or on the other hand know, deep down, your purpose, and feel utterly helpless to accomplish it?

That’s where I’m at.  Feeling helpless to accomplishing my purpose.  My goal in life.  My calling.  I can see it.  I know what it is.  And yet, I cannot seem to attain it, or attain the path to it.

I think the answer, at least in my case, is patience.  And that is a lifeskill that I never learned.  That is so frustrating, and quite possibly my worst character flaw.  I also have no idea how to correct it.

Instead, I sit here floundering.  Floundering in a sea of impatience?

Worse yet – before I truly knew my calling, I was content.  Now, I am not.  And that is another flaw…  Because if I cannot be content where I’m at, am I truly living my life?  Am I allowing it to pass me by?

The longing is real, and yet, how do I move past it, when there is nothing that can be done for now?

I’m a doer not a coaster…

There’s no real answer here.  I’m just getting it out of my head.

I get to see crack

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So.  Saturday I spackled Joseph’s room, and yesterday, we sanded down, all in prep for painting perhaps next weekend.  Part one of our House Beautiful project.

We also did laundry and dishes.

Poe and I were covered in spackle dust from head to toe.  Poe now knows what I’ll look like when I’m fully gray.

Go to take a shower as one is wont to do when covered in dust, when lo and behold – no hot water.

A side note – my parents live next door, and they own this house too.  In other words, my parents are our landlords.  Not perfect – as my mother says, “We just know too much about each other” but I’m here if they need me which they do more and more now that they’re elderly, and they get to be a part of the kids’ every day lives.  BUT – they are on vacation for the next week.  That means my father, manly man of everything handy, is gone.  My husband, God love him, is not very handy.

We thought that maybe since we’d done so much laundry and the dishes in a short amount of time, that we just ran out of hot water.  We wait a few hours.  Still no hot water.  Poe went out and turned off the hot water heater, and back on.  Wait a few hours.  Still no hot water.  He took the kids to my parents house to take baths.  This morning?  Still no hot water.

Sigh.

While if it were JUST showers, we could just go next door.  But with a family of four – we can’t wait a week for my handy dad to get home.  I have to call a plumber.  Am NOT looking forward to this.  Also – must call in at work, and my boss will NOT be happy about it.  And when dad gets back he will NOT be happy about it.

Dude.  I just want hot water.

Solitude

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It’s 12:30 in the morning.  I’m sitting in the easy chair, watching HGTV.  Everyone is asleep.

Solitude.

It’s rare in this house.

I want to write.  The process of getting words out in a space.  The restful clicky-clack of the keys as I type.  Emptying of my mind.

The problem is…  I’m in a really good place right now.  We’re more comfortable financially than we’ve been in a long time.  By no means perfect, but I no longer fear overdrafts, which is a huge relief.  I can pay the bills, AND pay towards debt, AND save, and it’s a huge relief.  In addition, we have a plan in place to bring me home.

The kids are going through their various therapies and thriving.  Plans are in place, they’re responding.  I still feel like strangling them daily – but it’s all normal, little boy, brother stuff.

Poe and I are strong in our marriage.

God and I are on good terms at the moment.  I still have ton make my own efforts – to study, spend time in prayer, and depend on Him…  But I’m in a much better place than, say, a year ago.

My mother is as good as she’s going to get.

So…  Even though on the surface I’m a work outside the home, married, mom of special needs kids, helping to take care of aging parents living next door, I’m doing pretty good.

Except for the fact that the inlaws are coming in 2 weeks.

But I have a cure for that too.  I hire house cleaners the day before.  Then…  when fault is found – I know a professional did it and seriously happiness will just never be found. Just the way it is.  I’ve learned to deal.

So – no big angst at the moment.  No big faith issue, marriage issue, kid issue, or money issue.  Do you know how rare that is?

Do you know how grateful I am?

Made me Smile

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I was on my way home from work the other night.  I drive through a little portion of a city that was sort of made for “date night.”  Near a nice mall, lit up tree lined streets, shops, galleries, restaurants and the like.  So I’m a stop light, and look to my left – when what to my wondering eyes should appear…

**cough**

I looked to the left and saw a man who looked JUST like Santa crossing the street.  I mean he had the hair, beard, cheeks, and belly.  Seriously.  Anyway, this isn’t any ordinary Santa…  He had on a t-shirt, down vest, and capri pants.  He also had tattoos up and down his legs.  And socks with sandals.   We’ll let that one go.

He was pushing a standard stroller.  My thought was, “What a cool grandpa!  When that kid grows up he can say his grandpa IS Santa!”  Then I looked down.  In the stroller, was an absolutely beautifully groomed Lhasa Apso dog.  Wearing a hot pink jacket.

It was the coolest, and most utterly ridiculous, thing I’ve seen in a long long time.

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