Someone Said It

*** Edited to add: Thank you to commenter Chris! She left a comment trying to get ahold of me/my email address… Which is right in the sidebar of the site. So I went to check that, and the widget uses graphics off my business site server. That shouldn’t be an issue. So I went and checked the business site… IT’S DOWN. Like it was never there. So I contacted the server host, and am awaiting word on what’s wrong, because my domains aren’t expired, and my hosting bill is up to date. I can’t even get into the dashboard – just my hosting account. For goodness sake. 2 days ago it was fine. Now, all those folks I’ve been contacting to gain clients etc. (due to the crises below) have been pointed to a broken site. Nothing says “hire me” like a site that isn’t freakin’ there. Seriously. Universe? WTH?

We have something we never, ever say at our house. It doesn’t come out of our mouth. Ever.

“It could always be worse.”

Why? Two reasons. With whatever is happening, it diminishes what you’re going through at that moment in time. Everyone knows it could be worse. But if you SAY it, whenever someone has, it GETS worse.

Someone apparently doesn’t know the rule and said it at our house. I don’t know who – but it has to have been said.

A little backstory, for those who may be new to Chez Sparks.

In Nov. of 2008, I left a rather cushy job at Warner Bros. I was good at what I did, made good money, retirement, health benefits, the works. It had been planned for a year. Joseph was in the Apex of his mental breakdown. I was constantly getting calls to come pick him up. My mother had started going down hill. It seemed that everyone needed something out of me all the time. My ulcers and GERD had made themselves known. I was losing my hair. I was having chest pains. I wasn’t sleeping. Something had to give, so we decided it was my job. We planned for it, it wasn’t an impulsive thing. When I left, it was on good terms with everyone. Poe had a good job, doing something with his degree that he loved, in CAD. It was a “stable” job, and he had benefits too, so we weren’t losing that. I started my business, so we could still bring a little extra money in, and so I wouldn’t lose my mind. I’d worked since I was 12 years old, so I couldn’t imagine NOT bringing in any money. It’s a security thing for me, having been homeless in the past (another post for another day).

Three months later, Poe lost his “stable” job. He was unemployed for 2 years. It’s one thing to send your resume to a ton of places, and not get a call. It’s another to not be able to find any jobs to send your resume TO. In that 2 year period, we maybe sent out 5 resumes. I’m an anal-retentive perfectionist with security issues surrounding money. You bet your ass I was hunting for him. Out of the 5 resumes, he had one interview. So we opened it up to anything and everything from landscaping to pizza delivery. “You’re too old.” “You’ve made too much money.” “You’re too highly educated.” Finally, we got a tax refund, and Poe used that money to to go back to school, and then get his Guard Card, and Fire Permit. And we started hunting for security jobs. We thought that maybe with his Marine background, that would work. It did. He landed the job he has now. Well, it morphed into the job he has now. He makes 1/3 of what he made using his degree.

So now, Poe makes barely enough money to cover the bills. I make enough to cover the groceries. I don’t make enough to cover the bills, and he doesn’t make enough to cover the groceries. There is no extra. There is no savings. There is no “rainy day” emergency money. Poe and I have no medial insurance. We pay for insurance on the kids. One gets EKGs and Echos and sees a cardiologist annually, with heart surgery on the horizon, and one sees psychiatrists, therapists, and takes an $800/month medication. So, they’re the only ones insured. I haven’t seen a doctor of any sort for years (other than my own therapist, which, due to the below, I won’t be able to see anymore).

So that’s the backstory. Here’s what’s happening now.

In the last three days…

My mother went into the ER and then into a nursing facility. She’s definitely on her way out of this world – she’s just chosen to go kicking and screaming, so we’re just along for the ride. She’s still in the facility, and she still can’t really walk. But my dad says she’s getting stronger, so this should definitely be temporary. The fight I had with her to get her into the facility was epic. So now she thinks I want to just “put her away” and that dad is just sick of taking care of her. Neither of which is true, but she’s played the guilt card for 80 years – she ‘aint gonna stop now. She just doesn’t get why my 77 year old, back surgery surviving father can’t carry her ass to the bathroom. We’ve basically told her, “If you can get up, and get on a bedside commode, you can come home.” To be frank, though, her first night in there was probably the first full night’s sleep my father has gotten in months.

Our truck has broken down. It’s bad. This just happened, so I don’t know how much it’s going to cost to fix. In the meantime we’ll have to use the even older truck of my dad’s. It literally has pieces that fall off, parts are held together with electrical tape, and none of the gauges work. We have no money for this. Literally none.

Our tax appointment is in a week. I’m scared we’ll owe the IRS money because I haven’t paid taxes yet on my income for 2011, and I don’t know if Poe’s will be enough to offset it. We’ll see.

At Poe’s work they just reduced his hours. It’s not a lot (it adds up to 1.5 hours a week), but will definitely impact his pay.

And finally, the big cahuna. Solvate is closing. Solvate is a freelancer platform. 98% of my clients come from them. They sent out a terse email last week that basically said you and your clients are on your own, so figure it out. I wasn’t sure about two of my clients, but was sure that my biggest client would want to keep me. I just heard yesterday that no – they’re taking it in-house. Let me translate. I’m about to go from grocery money for 4 people for a month down to $60 a month in 4 days. We won’t survive.

We don’t know what to do. If I work full time, Poe would have to take over the kids. Holidays/summers with no school, pick up, conferences, all that. He sleeps during the day ’cause he works nights. Currently he handles homework, showers, and bed. I handle EVERYTHING else. If he has to pick it up, I’m worried about his health, ’cause he won’t be sleeping enough.

We’ve decided that I’m going to start looking for both of us. For Poe, higher pay in security, AND his CAD work. For me, full time work out side the home. We’ll just deal with the situation as it presents itself with whatever shows up first. I have one more check coming for groceries, which should cover us for the month – but I don’t know, ’cause of the truck situation, and I don’t know what the IRS is going to present to us.

I’m going to be 37 next month. Almost 40 years old. Exactly how many times in one lifetime do we have to start over?