sludge

I haven’t been updating often.  Here or anywhere else for that matter.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I feel anxious, restless.  Like something’s coming but I don’t know what.  I can’t seem to settle or concentrate on anything.  I’ve been procrastinating in all my writing.  I barely have enough attention in me to get the dishes done.  Sometimes.

I can’t figure out what this unease, this cloud is.  I mean – I know that I’m working towards certain goals, and that they’re years away from completion.  in the meantime I need to just plug away.  But I can’t seem to get my head on straight.  I always seem to have this vague uneasy feeling.  The feeling that I need to be prepared.  But prepared for WHAT?  Are we talking emergency supplies, or getting a lawyer for a tax audit?  It’s that vague.

I’m probably just suffering from some mild anxiety and I need to take a chill pill.  I don’t have any chill pills.  And I’m not about to start the roller coaster of trying to find a doctor, insurance, medication, and headshrinking.  I mean I will if it got worse, or goes on for a long time, but taking off of work to do all of that isn’t really an option for something that feels fleeting and not a permanent state.

I’m sick of feeling like everything is so effing complicated.  If I wanted to go to the doctor, I’d have to go to my regular doctor.  He would then have to refer me to a mental health professional.  I would then have to go through my insurance to find one.  I would then have to make an appointment (probably for a month and a half away).  At which point the feelings would be gone anyway.  But if I decided to go on to the appointment, I’d have to arrange my work schedule, notify my boss, take sick time, drive to kingdom come, have the appointment, in which we would “discuss” everything.  They would probably then refer me to another mental health professional (they were just screening you see, to see what we should do next.)  And then I have to start the whole process all over again.  By the time I actually got to do anything about it, be it actual therapy or medication – it would probably be at least two months from now.

It’s useless and serves no point.

And so I trudge through this weighted feeling, hoping that soon it will lift and I’ll be back to normal again.