Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Happy Birthday, Logan

By 1 Comment

I’m not sure what to say to you on your 6th birthday… You’re quite a character.

Everything you like… “It’s my Favorite!” Even if you said that about something else not a minute prior.

You’re giving. You’re loving. You’re sneaky… Stop sneaking into your brother’s room to steal his toys in the night, son! And what’s with eating the Splenda? You’re so very smart. You’re cute, and funny, and kind.

When they took you away when you were a day old and put you in the NICU, I didn’t know if you would live through the night. I knew nothing. But Oh, son.

You’re a joy and a terror. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now, please stop getting up before 6am.

logan

DSC00996

DSC00688

DSC00586

Conversations

By 1 Comment

It’s no secret that we’re a Christian family. So – discussions about God come up on a regular basis.

This stemmed from a conversation in which Joseph wanted to know how many times he’d been in the hospital, in the car, on the way to school, with one small measly cup of coffee in me.

Joseph: So – everyone’s been in the hospital at least once right? When they were born!

Me: Well, no. Some people are born at home.

Joseph: So – they might have NEVER been in the hospital.

Me: Right.

Logan: Well – God was in the hospital when he was a kid.

Me: No, ’cause God was never a kid. He has always been the way He is. Now, Jesus, His Son was a kid once.

Logan: So he was in the hospital?

Me: Well, no, they didn’t have hospitals back then.

Joseph: Well, I guess he’s REALLY REALLY old now.

Me: Well, no. The way it works is, He died for our sins when he was about my age. He died, resurrected, and now lives at the right hand of His father, God.

Joseph: Well, then whoever’s on His left hand is a bad guy, right?

Me: Um. No. I don’t think it works that way.

Logan: Oh look! Something shiny.

Why can’t they have questions when I have the brain capacity to give thoughtful answers? Dude. I’m so not cut out to teach them theology.

Comment Question 3

By 2 Comments

This is the last question asked in my question post.  If YOU want to ask a question, feel free.

Steph asked (and I’m not linking to the Steph I know who reads.  I figure if she wanted me to, she would have put the link in the comment, so I’m leaving it out on this one.)

Are your (extended) family and friends “there” for you and your special-needs children? Is their emotional support (or at least being understanding of what you go through with your kids) what you expected, hoped, imagined…

Let’s see.  Yes and no.  My parents…  Yes.  They try.  They try to understand what’s going on with doctors, and like to sometimes take the kids to their appointments themselves, because it gives them the opportunity to talk to the docs face to face.  Beyond that, they just love on their grandkids.  I try to stay out of their relationship, as they keep discipline consistent with us.  Beyond that – I stay out.  My parents live next door.  Each weekend (if my parents aren’t traveling) Logan spends the night on Friday.  Joseph on Saturday.  My parents can’t really deal with them together (they’re getting “elderly”).  This way everyone gets one on one time with Papa and Grandma, and the kids also get a break from each other.  And we get a break from the sibling fighting and noise.  I can’t really say anything about them other than they’re THERE.  No matter what.  When Logan was born, they had Joseph.  I picked up the phone to tell my mom about Logan’s heart.  I didn’t finish the sentence.  She had hung up on me.  Because she was on the way.  I think that’s the best compliment I can give them.  No matter what – they’re there when I need them, and they’re there when the kids need them.  Period.

I the other set is in denial, completely, and totally, and that’s all I’m going to say about them in this forum.  But OOOOOOhhhhh Yes, is there a story there.  Email me if you want the details.

Teachers are all great, because they’re in on all the IEP stuff for Joseph, and Logan has a team as well due to his development issues.  In the beginning we had issues with the previous principal with Joseph…  She wanted him expelled.  5.  in Kindergarten.  That wasn’t going to fly with this mother, and I didn’t toe her line, which made me her enemy.  Over the course of two years I think she finally came around.  ‘Course then she left.  We have a new principal, and the jury is out on this one.  In the last IEP she made this big deal about us not doing homework at home.  So – we’ll see.  She doesn’t seem to get that he can only take so much before he is D.O.N.E.

I think the biggest obstacle in other people NOT related to their cases is other parents.  Both kids are mainstream (although Joseph is in and out during the day for his special ed).  That means they play with “typical” kids.  So – to other parents, Logan is small, immature, and needy.  To the other parents, Joseph is dumb, rough, and mean.  Parents don’t want to take the time to find out WHY they’re that way.  That Logan presents as about a year younger than he is in all ways because of his development from his heart condition.  That he’s a preschooler rather than a kindergartner at heart (hence why we’re repeating it.)  They don’t care that Joseph has learning disabilities, and a psychological disorder.  They don’t care that at heart, all he wants is to be loved and liked with his whole heart.  And if they bothered to ask about anything he likes, he would give them and in depth analysis of whatever the subject is.  They don’t look past the first impression.  Why should it matter?  It makes it hard for my kids to make friends…  No playdates, because the other parents really don’t care to figure out my kids.  The social thing is really really hard on them, and that breaks my heart.

And finally, friends.  I don’t have many IRL.  Not really.  I have one close girlfriend.  If you ask how she is about them?  Well.  She’s the only one I trust, other than grandparents, to babysit.  Even Joseph will listen to her.  And she makes him deals.  Good behavior = zoo trip.  Again…  She just there.  She just lives it with us.

I think that’s the biggest thing.  It’s not their acceptance, or their actions.  It’s are they there?  Is it ever even mentioned?  Does it just exist?  Do they just live it with you?  Yes, my parents and friend will listen if I need them to.  But they usually just already know ’cause they’re already living it with me.

Comment Questions 2

By 1 Comment

Pardon the slight radio silence…  Had a technical glitch which has been fixed.

In keeping with the questions asked (which you totally can still do…  Ask away) I have the questions asked by Mickey.

What helped you battle your drug addiction? What keeps you up?

What helped me battle…  It is a hard question.  I never actually participated in a rehab program of any sort.  What happened, is in the span of 3 days:

  • I found out that a drug dealer was after me for the bad debt of my ex-boyfriend (mistakenly believing the ex would care.)
  • Left my apartment because those I lived with left, and I couldn’t stand those who moved in.
  • Started for Northern California with my brother, and a hundred bucks in my pocket and all my worldly possessions.

I didn’t actually MEAN to get clean.  But leaving L.A. meant the dealer after me would forget about me.  And moving 350 miles away meant that I didn’t know a soul – including those that could give me drugs.

I lived in a church dormitory.  A friend was living there, and they decided to give me a break.  Possibly the best thing that ever happened to me.  There was no privacy.  We literally had cubicles (like in an office), and shared a bathroom and showers (although we had individual curtains.  Boys separate from girls.  And that’s where I went through withdrawals.  I’m not sure I even knew what they were at the time.  I just remember that one girl asked me to go to church with her every couple of days – other than that they left me alone.  I suspect they were keeping an eye on me, but didn’t want to intervene unless needed.

After that – it was fairly easy.  I still thought about speed pretty much all the time, but didn’t know how to get it.  I was in a strange city, with no car, and no clue the place to go.  So I used the opportunity.

There was one after effect that I had a hard time with, which was insomnia.  My longest go on speed was no sleep or food for 12 days.  I drank water, but I didn’t want food – it grossed me out when I was high on meth.  But my usual was about 48 hours up, sleep, 48 hours up, sleep.  Well, my nocturnal clock was all messed up, so even though I wasn’t chemically stimulated I still couldn’t sleep!  I had finally found a job at a drug store (ha! – I’m so not kidding!) and they had these cd’s on sale…  Sort of like musak, but really good.  Instrumentals.  Anyway I would listen to that cd at bedtime, and ONLY at bedtime…  Eventually I was able to “cue” myself to going to sleep.  To this day, I still have the CD (over a decade later) and it is still relaxing to me.  It was another 3 and a half years up north, and then we moved back here.  By then, I’d met and married my husband, and had my first child.  I have no interest in screwing up my life.  I know no one who could get it for me.  I’ve been clean since October of 1997.

And she had another question – unrelated I think:

To quote Father Arrupe, have you ever fallen in love, a love that makes you wake up in the morning excited for the day?

Yes.  I have.  I’m still in love with my husband.  Although, I think it’s grown to a more mature, and all encompassing love than that first swooning infatuation.  He was not my first love, however (he knows this.)  I was in love twice before.  Both, however, I believe I lost me in it.  But most definitely it was love.  But Oh my Gosh was it destructive.  With Poe, however, it’s a strong, committed, respectful, honest, two way, fun, breathtaking kind of love.  It was fast.  But we just plain knew.  And now we’re over the decade hump – and yes I would marry him again.

Recent Comments