Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Intriguing

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My best friend just called me this morning.  Next year, she wants me to become a partner with her in a franchise.  It’s an intriguing possibility.  I definitely could save the money up.  That’s not the issue.  Do I want to be part of this franchise…  Which has NOTHING to do with blogging or the online world – except in a marketing capacity.  Do I want to be in business with my friend?  Do I want to attempt this?  Can I do it and quit my job?  is this something I just want to say JUMP?  I don’t know.

I’m praying. Poe’s praying.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in the air at my house.  The winds of change on the horizon I guess.  I just wonder how it’ll all work together, you know?  But on the other hand, I know the absolute end of the story, so.  So.

Perhaps this is my chance to go home sooner?

But to do that and have it fail, when I had “security” in my job?

But then again – my kids need me?

I don’t have to make a decision now.  I think the best thing to do is continue on my attempts to live off Poe’s paycheck, and start saving for this, should we decide it’s a go, and then continue my snowflaking other stuff.

Indecision makes my stomach churn.

Simplification

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Despite appearances, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.  I’m merely taking stock.

I fled two blogging jobs that weren’t compensating properly for the amount of time it took.  I don’t have that much time right now, so I cut them.  I’m cutting feeds right and left – things I just skimmed aren’t worth my time right now.

I’ll never leave blogging – it’s my journal, and I’ve been here a very very long time.  I’m just simplifying the things that take away brain capacity.  Sometimes it feels like I’m full up in my head and everything is sort of sliding off the top ’cause there’s no more room.  So I’m making room.

I’m also looking into other blogging possibilities – while being properly compensated.  I don’t have great expectations, just open to the possibilities.  I’m also looking to the possibilities of at-home telecommute positions, in order to get me home before we’re technically out of debt.  All part of my plan.

Simplification and drawing in close around the nucleus of my family.  That’s the intent.  I’m not going anywhere…  Just closing the sphere a little bit.  I’d rather read a few blogs that effect me, rather than hundreds that just sift through.  I’d rather have a paid blogging job that pays “real” salaries than “settle” just to say I’m writing.  I’d rather work at home than outside the home so I can better instruct my boys in life, instead of giving them a hurried hour before bedtime while mentally drained.

I’m circling the wagons.

fog lifts

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You know how yesterday I was all angsty?  Well this was in clear skies, before the rain, thunder, lightning, flash flooding, mudslides, and tornadoes (?!).

Today I feel great.

So either I felt it coming, and now it’s broke, or something.  I don’t know.  I’m just that in tune with mother nature, dude.

That or I’m bipolar.  Seriously, though, my husband sometimes wonders.

As an aside…  I think I’m finally a grown up.  I actually lost track of what the heck I was doing in the shower this morning.  Why?  Because I was internally debating the pros and cons of money market accounts.  People, I’m dreaming about being fiscally sensible.  Does that give me grownup status?

sludge

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I haven’t been updating often.  Here or anywhere else for that matter.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I feel anxious, restless.  Like something’s coming but I don’t know what.  I can’t seem to settle or concentrate on anything.  I’ve been procrastinating in all my writing.  I barely have enough attention in me to get the dishes done.  Sometimes.

I can’t figure out what this unease, this cloud is.  I mean – I know that I’m working towards certain goals, and that they’re years away from completion.  in the meantime I need to just plug away.  But I can’t seem to get my head on straight.  I always seem to have this vague uneasy feeling.  The feeling that I need to be prepared.  But prepared for WHAT?  Are we talking emergency supplies, or getting a lawyer for a tax audit?  It’s that vague.

I’m probably just suffering from some mild anxiety and I need to take a chill pill.  I don’t have any chill pills.  And I’m not about to start the roller coaster of trying to find a doctor, insurance, medication, and headshrinking.  I mean I will if it got worse, or goes on for a long time, but taking off of work to do all of that isn’t really an option for something that feels fleeting and not a permanent state.

I’m sick of feeling like everything is so effing complicated.  If I wanted to go to the doctor, I’d have to go to my regular doctor.  He would then have to refer me to a mental health professional.  I would then have to go through my insurance to find one.  I would then have to make an appointment (probably for a month and a half away).  At which point the feelings would be gone anyway.  But if I decided to go on to the appointment, I’d have to arrange my work schedule, notify my boss, take sick time, drive to kingdom come, have the appointment, in which we would “discuss” everything.  They would probably then refer me to another mental health professional (they were just screening you see, to see what we should do next.)  And then I have to start the whole process all over again.  By the time I actually got to do anything about it, be it actual therapy or medication – it would probably be at least two months from now.

It’s useless and serves no point.

And so I trudge through this weighted feeling, hoping that soon it will lift and I’ll be back to normal again.

How I got my online handle

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I was recently asked how I got my handle, “Sparksfley.”

Sometimes you see me as Michele – and other times Sparks or Sparksfley.

It’s really quite simple.  I had canceled my aol account, and then decided to create a new one.  I got sparksfley from Sparks – a name my husband was calling me due to my working as an electrical assistant and Butterfly which my husband also called me.  I decided to combine the two into Sparksfly – but someone already had that one.  So, I added the “e” and became sparksfley.  For the rest of my online handles and email and such, it was just easier to keep the same one so I didn’t have to remember them all.

I’m now known as Sparksfley across the web.

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