Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Pondering

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I feel like I want to write, and I just don’t know what to write.

I could tell you that I’m anxious to be home.  November 21st is a long way off.

I could tell you that I’m sick of this election and wish to be on the other side and know the outcome and move on.  Oh yeah – and not walk on eggshells around nearly every person I know.  This election has made polite conversation caustic.

I could tell you about my recent posts at Butterviews.

I could tell you I have a big announcement coming up – I just don’t know launch date for sure, yet.

I maybe might be writing for Blissfully Domestic.  Not sure about that yet.  And of course, I’m at Blog Nosh as well.  Not linking ’cause of recent relaunches – not sure that they’re 100% up and running.

I’m just…  feeling a little aimless, both online and off.  I’m reigning it in, but I don’t want this lethargy to turn into something more… I don’t know.  Depressive?  Oppressive?

Anyway – this is my way of checking in.

Remembering 9/11/01

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I think it’s important to remember 9/11/01.  For my family, as my sons are too young to remember it themselves, and for myself.  So I never forget.

I remember exactly where I was.  Asleep.  Living on the West Coast, not working, and Poe was working nights, and he had gotten home and was asleep too.  My mother-in-law called and woke us up.  I remember thinking, “Someone had better be dead for this phone to be ringing.”  Imagine.

I was pregnant with Logan…  Although I can’t remember if we knew I was pregnant yet or not.  He’d be born the following May.  Joseph was almost 18 months old.  God, that seems a long time ago – they’re in Kindergarten and third grade now.  8 and 6.  Time flies.

I remember feeling fear, knowing we lived near a large city.  I remember my confusion with the rest of the country when we realized it wasn’t just the towers, but the pentagon and another flight as well.  I remember watching the towers fall.  I remember the tears.  I remember remaining hooked to the TV in the following days, wanting any information – and feeling out of touch if the TV wasn’t on.  I eventally had to turn it off, and not watch at all until some time had passed.  I remember the brave men and women, including civilians, who died trying to help.  I remember the complete helplessness I felt.  I remember not knowing if I was actually safe.

I don’t ever want to forget those people who died that day.  They existed.  They mattered.  They were important to someone in their lives, and they’re important now.

I remember.

Updated:  I wanted to add a link to an entry from a survivor.  I forget, sometimes, that there were survivors, I still love you New York

This is not about politics, Republicans, Democrats or the elections.  If you politicize this in comments, your comment will be deleted – even if I love you.

The Juice Wars

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AKA Parenting 101: Pick Your Battles

Joseph had us in a bit of a conundrum today.  He wasn’t drinking his juice (snack or lunch.)  Poe quizzed him, and he has been getting made fun of at school.  For drinking baby juice.  The juice I’ve been getting (100% juice on sale) has Clifford the Dog on them – he’s drinking “baby juice.”

And I thought, how stupid.

And then…  I remembered.  The neon purple Reebocks when everyone was wearing white.  The cheap denim when everyone was wearing Guess.  The Christmas ornament sweaters when everyone was wearing hoodies.  We weren’t that poor – my mother just couldn’t abide by purchase price equaling brand name.  And I’ve got a good head on my shoulders in terms of what’s important now, and I’m sure that’s a part of it.

But I sure do remember.

Poe went out today and bought more “manly” juice.  8 year olds need sophistication.  When this turns into $150 Air Jordans, we’ll revisit the values discussion – but for now?  It’s OK to fit in.

Shifts

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I’m finding that my brain is shifting.

I’m starting to shift into home mode.

During the day, my mind drifts from work, and I think about what I’d be doing that time of day at home.

Do I know that it’ll be just as hard at home?  Yes.  Do I know that starting my business is hard?  Of course.  But that’s where my heart truly lies.

I keep thinking about my schedule for the day, and how I’m going to accomplish what it is I want to accomplish.  Should I switch to my laptop, and make my desktop a “family” computer?  If so, where do I put it?  Do I want Logan to do his homework when he gets home from Kindergarten, or later when his brother gets home?  Do I want to grocery shop Mondays or Tuesdays?  Am I going to finally work out?  I want to get a radio for the kitchen.  What chores are the boys old enough for?

This is what’s consuming my thoughts for now.  This is why I haven’t been writing very much.  I am enveloped by all of this until things finally shake out.

I had two a-ha moments at work.  One was for a shindig.  I almost said no.  And then I said yes, because it’s my last fancy thing in the industry.  And then there were plans being made for the Christmas party and I thought, Yay!  I don’t have to do a thing – I won’t be here.

A replacement plan fell through, so I still don’t know if I’ll be there all the way through the end of November.  I’m hoping not, but I’m regretfully prepared if I am.

Terribly boring and all consuming.

Grind, Grind, Grind away

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There’s this phenomenon with me at work.  I don’t want to do anything.

It’s really bizarre.  But because I’ve put in my notice (I’m really regretting the length) I simply don’t have the urge to get things done.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m doing the job, and doing it well.  I would never screw them over – It’s a mental state I’m talking about.  At this point, since my future isn’t invested with my company, I tend to say, “Why?” when I’m doing things.  Especially now, in the industry I’m in.  I see a lot of excess that’s based on privilege (and perceived privilege) and it annoys me.  Don’t worry, I’m not saying anything bad about my company.  My department heads are good about trying to keep hired talent’s heads out of the clouds, and grounded into the reality of budget – but precedence demands certain things.

My point is – I wonder what the point is.  It’s not as though my current workplace is an essential thing – like, say, an energy plant.  Or an authority necessity, as like, say, a police station.  In personal finance terms, my current company is a “want” versus a “need.”  So, I’m sitting there, realizing I’m leaving in a few months – hopefully earlier if we can get a replacement – and just not caring about the product we put out.  I’m having to force my productivity.  I produce a good product.  I always will.  I have integrity, and I’m honest.  But man!  Sometimes, the day is just such a struggle.

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