Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Fitting Pieces Together

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I dropped a bomb and dissappeared.  Mainly, I just needed to process.

On the blogging front, I’m headed to SXSW this weekend. I feel like I should have backed out considering I have to pay for food – and I just dipped into the student loan payment for groceries this week.  But.  My sponsors took care of the big costs, and both my parents and Poe said that I need to get my business cards out there and mingle.  They’re right.  It just seems like the wrong time to go.  Not to mention I’ll have a roommate.  A perfectly nice stranger.  I know of her, but have never met her.  The problem lying in the fact that I’ve never ever had a hotel roommate before.  My neurosis is worried.

I haven’t had the time to write at Blissfully Domestic or edit at Blog Nosh.  I’m afraid my bosses are going to drop me.

I was on a conference call yesterday with Maria Shriver in regards to the We Connect program, which I’ll be writing about here at some point.

On the home front…  Well…  I’m getting used to having my husband here.  All.The.Time.  There’s a lot of togetherness.  In theory, that’s good.  In practice, I’m having a hard time getting into the groove of a new routine.

We applied for unemployment.  We got a letter stating what our benefits would be.  Then we got another letter that he has to participate in an interview about it.  The last week of March.  He lost his job the last week of February.  We’ve yet to see a cent.  No income.  And we’re waiting on our tax refund, which we’ll be living off of.  This is not good.  Not a nibble yet on his resume.

I don’t want to go back to work outside the home.  I don’t.  My coming home was the best thing that ever happened to this family.  Everyone was thriving.  But I just don’t know how long we can hold on.

The only good news was that I tracked down a bit about Cobra in the new recovery act signed.  I then tracked down a federal labor employee in Washington.  Basically, even though there’s no paperwork in place as of yet (they have 60 days to come up with practices based on the bill) we’ll only need to pay 35% of our Cobra payment.  This is a huge relief, as it means we won’t have to lose medical coverage.

We’ll probably default on Poe’s student loan.  We called and they said that we have no deferments left, and there’s nothing they can do for us.  So.  There’s the credit we built for 10 years down the toilet.

Sigh.

I’m trying to hold it together.  But life kind of sucks right now.

Welcome to the Economy

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Three posts in one day.  That may be a record.

Announcement:  My husband, Poe as you know him here, came home today with his box of belongings in hand.  Yes, he was laid off.  No, there was no inkling ahead of time at all.

That makes two unemployed people in the household.

There have been tears.

I feel myself going into fix it super project assistant mode (cue superhero theme music.)  Which is good – I’m good in a crisis.  But seeing as this here is my journal it seems only fair that I warn you that whining may be ahead.  Also ahead, posting of Poe’s resume (hey – you never know!) and upping the marketing of Vineyard Virtual Services as well.  Please be patient with me.  And maybe gentle and kind as well.

Things are a little raw.  There’s the money, yes.  But well – money’s money.  The more stressful tidbit is that we have a heart patient who will have surgery in the house (Logan) and no medical insurance as of today.  The ax came down hard.

It seems stupid now, but Poe and I talked about it.  I’m still going to SXSW.  The networking possibilities for my business are countless, and since he can now take me to and from the airport (ahem) the only costs will now be food and gratuities thanks to the fact that I won the trip.  Thank you Wal-Mart.  Let’s face it – my business is a service, and I need to get it in front of the eyes of the people who can use it.

So.  If you’re the praying sort, I have a few specific requests:

1.  That I don’t lose it.  I cannot lose it.  I need to remain calm and functional.

2.  That Logan has no immediate issues that need attending to.

3.   That Poe keeps his self confidence intact, which is so necessary for the interviewing process, not to mention as a man.

4.  That we are good stewards of what we have, and that our physical needs are met.

5.  That the family remains healthy and whole, both physically and emotionally.

My thanks in advance.

When Children Are Ill

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Perhaps you’ve noticed that I dropped out of site for like, a week.  And if you didn’t – well that’s just a blow to the ego so keep it to yourself mmmkay?

I was sick a couple weeks back.  And just as I was coming out of my fog and getting caught up with stuff at home and stuff at work, Logan became ill.  Very ill.  Picture 104 degree fever spikes, two doctor’s visits (plus copays), two prescriptions (plus copays), and lots of cold medicine and ibuprofen.  For a week.  Out of school.  The poor kid.  He had the flu, plus an eye infection, plus an ear infection.  The scary thing is – he showed NO symptoms until he spiked a fever.  No red eyes.  No stuffy nose.  No cough.  No tugging on the ear – or even any pain since he’s old enough to tell me.

A 104 fever at midnight is a scary proposition for any parent.  Couple that with a congenital heart defect.  And then couple that with the ONLY admonition the doctors have ever given you regarding said heart, “The only thing we have to worry about right now is infection.  We HAVE to stop the infection before it gets to his heart.”

So, I’ve been caring for him, worried out of my mind, and now that he’s better, I barely remember the last week.

The worry a parent feels – that deep down is this more than I think it is worry – is so very draining.  It sucks the life out of you.  If you could take their place, you would.  If you could make it go away you would.  You’re willing to become a horrible person in your kid’s eyes so you can make them better.  When they look at you with hatred as they cough down the foul medicine, or stare at you with wonder when you hold them down for a shot, a little piece of you dies inside.  Because they just don’t understand that you’re doing what needs to be done to make them better, whole, well.

You can only hope that they forgive you with their wide big hearts, and understand when they have children of their own.

Him and Me

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I wanted to write something light hearted after that last post.  Luckilly Dooce has a meme.

What are your middle names?

Mine is Kee, a family name.  His is Joseph.

How long have you been together?

Our 11th anniversary is coming up in April.  And that’s just about how long we’ve been together considering he asked me to marry him in three days, and we were married three months later.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?

A month.  We were in class together.

Who asked whom out?

Well – I guess me.  I asked to sit next to him in Church.  Three days later we were engaged.

How old are each of you?

I’ll be 34 next month.  He’s 32 – 33 in September.

Whose siblings do you see the most?

Neither really.  Enter long convoluted family history here.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

Money is one.  I’m a saver, he’s a spender.  We don’t have a lot of it, now that I’m home, and I have some history things that lead to a level of insecurity when it comes to funds.  As in I’ve been homeless and never want to go through that again. Although we’ve been through all kinds of things.  Addictions, and deaths, and miscarriages…  It’s all hard.

Did you go to the same school?

Yes, briefly.

Are you from the same home town?

Nope.  I was born in Hollywood, he was born in San Jose.

Who is smarter?

I want to remain married, thank you.

Who is the most sensitive?

Heh.  Me.  Most definitely me.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?

We don’t.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?

The Mexican Riviera on our Honeymoon.  Not that we saw much of it.

Who has the craziest exes?

We are very even on that score.  Although he was once engaged to two women at once, so one could argue that HE is the crazy ex.

Who has the worst temper?

Me.  Definitely me.

Who does the cooking?

Me.  Poe nukes things great.  And I believe Kraft mac n’ cheese, scrambled eggs, and burritos are on his list.

Who is the neat-freak?

Freak is such a STRONG word.  Let’s just say we have different definitions of “cleaned up.”

Who is more stubborn?

Oooooo.  Huh.  Let’s just say it’s lucky we agree on a lot.

Who hogs the bed?

Neither of us hogs the bed, but MAN can he steal the covers.

Who wakes up earlier?

Him.  He gets up at 4:30am for work.  Which, unfortunately for him, spills into the weekends.  Which means I get to sleep in.  heh.

Where was your first date?

The parking lot of our church where we talked for 4 hours.

Who is more jealous?

Me.  I think.  Maybe he just broods silently.

How long did it take to get serious?

3 days.

Who eats more?

Me.  Absolutely.  It’s amazing to watch him subsist on air, really.

Who does the laundry?

Me.

Who’s better with the computer?

Well – he’s a CADD engineer.  But I set up his computer, do his virus checks etc.

Who drives when you are together?

That’s a toss up as to who’s willing to bite their tongue more.  I consider driving with him an endurance test.  Will we survive?  He considers driving with me a lesson in patience.

Heavy Hearts

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There are some changes happening in my family.  Mainly due to some spiritual fighting my husband is doing.  That’s not really my story to tell.  But it is hard for me to watch him struggle.  Although I believe the changes in store for him will make him a better man, husband, and father.

Plus, we watched Fireproof, and he came to me and told me to get the books.  He wants to do the Love Dare with me.  I was shocked.  It’s not normally his thing.  But we are.  And there are those changes.

Plus, he’s struggling at work.  Basically, they changed the structure, and he’s expected to do two full time jobs – without overtime.  It’s not working.  We’ve talked both about how he can present the problem to his management, and also how to manage the jobs in the meantime (I administer, it’s what I do – so I’m able to help him structure things.)  But he was thisclose to quitting.  Which, of course, sent me into panic mode, because the business is not close to being self sufficient yet – not to mention health insurance, this economy for finding another job, etc.

So basically, he’s introducing changes all around.  Refining ones.  Ones that in the long run would be wonderful, and great, and fulfilling.

But oh so painful and uncomfortable to get through to the other side on.

So I’m struggling.  With my own fears and anxieties.  With how to help and support him.

It’s certainly a long road, isn’t it?

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