Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Rough Seas

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It’s rough right now. I don’t deny it.

Cobra sucks. Sucks the life right outta you. For example. The bill I JUST received is about $1500. Except that was for March and April. Which means that our insurance thinks we’re still uninsured, because they require ANOTHER 30 days to process. It’s all a stupid pay out of pocket and someday get paid back system.

Plus, we qualify for a 65% reduction per the recovery act. Great! Good luck applying for it. The application notice says to do it online. Online it says to mail it. I’ve been on hold for the last hour (currently on speaker phone hold as I write) for 45 minutes. And counting.

I wanted to get Poe’s teeth fixed in preparation for potential interviews. Except I can’t find a dentist on our insurance, because according to them we’re not insured, and therefore can’t use the “find a dentist” feature. Except that I paid premiums for the last 2 months.

I.hate.this.

Paying money. For a service. That we may have used – IN THE PAST – and already paid out of pocket for.

I’m so confused and confuddled.

Ms. Maddie

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The background here has been purpleized. So has my twitter background. It will remain that way for the rest of April. In honor of Maddie.

Today… I’ll be making my way to a chapel where a mom and dad say goodbye to their little girl. There are no words. Not because I can’t express them, but because there simply aren’t any. There is no turn of phrase or sentence to encompass what the loss of a child is.

So. I’ll go. I’ll wear purple. I’ll lend my presence in support of these parents. I’ll say goodbye to a little girl that I never met, but who’s eyes have enchanted me for the last year. I’ll say I’m sorry to her mother, who I work with. I’ll cry. I’ll mean it. I’ll be there for the little girl’s mom in the coming year.

Goodbye Maddie. You are loved. You are missed.

Feeling Sad and Restless

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Things are feeling a little out of control for me. Honestly part of it is my house. Because of the lack of employment around here there are people here. Always. And the house shows it. And when my surroundings are disorganized so is my head. I’m restless. I’m in limbo. And I hate that.

And I’m sad. There have been two child deaths in the last week. Maddie Spohr from The Spohrs are Multiplying, and Thalon Myers from Gorillabuns. Just babies. Little babies. Gone. I work with Maddie’s mom, Heather, on Blog Nosh and will be attending her services tomorrow. I never knew about Gorrilabuns until today.

On the one hand I’m just so saddened for these families. For these mothers. Moms. Families. Torn and hurt. On the other hand, I feel a strange sense of foreboding. I suppose that’s normal. Normal to be afraid of the dark. Helplessness. You want to help, but only have platitudes at your disposal. I’ve done what I can. It’s up to you do the work to figure out what you can do. I hurt with them.

I have disjointed thoughts. I don’t know how to express them.

Thank You for Your Support

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Thank you so much for all your comments on that last post. It’s hard and you get that and know what I’m talking about. And there were no trolls or judgment. Thank you for that.

As far as that situation goes, we had his therapist come to the house and they took a walk. He’s fine now. Of course – he released it all. We are definitely having him evaluated for anti-anxiety medication though. We’ve been dealing with all of this since his birth, but with doctors and all involved we’ve been dealing with it for 4 years. This is the first time we’ve felt that medication might be appropriate for him. It’s a scary step for us.

Spring break is next week, a much needed break for us all. I say, starting the week after next, we all get a do-over.

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