Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

House Renovation (or what i’ve been doing instead of writing)

By Leave a Comment

I’m having a hard time – you can tell. Just look at the tone of the last several months of posts! And I have really nothing to note except for the same. And since nothing has actually happened, I don’t write. And I don’t write. Because I get tired, too, of the same conversation. I realize it’s my journal, but man. A little variety would be great. No, really. I’ve run out of ways to say the same thing. The lack of writing has made me retreat a bit in the other online things of my life too. And in it’s place I’ve been doing some home renovations.

Long needed… We’ve lived here 3 years now.

Nothing too drastic. We don’t have the skills or money to do it ourselves, and we certainly don’t have the money to hire it out for the bigger stuff. So, we’re just doing what we can paint and such wise. And writing down the things that cost money, so that when our situation does turn around, we can prioritize and budget.

Anyway – if you’re interested, you can view the ongoing work at my flickr set. The pictures are awful, so you’ve been warned. Photography is simply a skill that refuses to be grasped by my mind. The basic gist, though is that Joseph’s room went from purple flowers to a baseball room, and Logan’s went from a seafoam green/spackled room to a pirate room. Both are happy. Both look a lot nicer in person (damn that photography.)

A Break?

By 2 Comments

There’s got to be a break in here somewhere, right?

We just found out from Poe’s friend that the grocery store job fell through. The one he’s terribly overqualified for, but he needs a job? Yeah, not hiring. That was sort of our ace in the hole. He could work nights and still look for a job in his actual career.

Not gonna happen.

Which means we’ve got nothing with 6 weeks to go on unemployment.

There is another choice, which we’re fighting against tooth and nail. My closing my business and going to work full time while he stays home and manages the kids.

This is not the right choice for us for a whole host of reasons. On the other hand, there’s no money left. And we’ve paid enough ahead to maybe have Cobra through September. And then – nothing.

I don’t WANT to close my business. I don’t have a bunch of clients, but the ones I’ve had are very very happy with my work! I can do this!!

I’m so frustrated. All the things we worked towards are gone. All our savings is gone. All our debt elimination progress is gone. Our credit is back in the toilet. All those years of work, with nothing to show for it. All gone.

I’ve got one last thing that I might have to go for. Our retirement. I haven’t touched it because we’ll take such a hit on the money due to taxes. I don’t know. That’s money I’ve been saving for retirement since I was 18 years old with my first 401K. And if we tap it – it’s gone.

God, I hate this. I hate it. I feel desperate and stupid. I shouldn’t feel stupid, I’ve done nothing wrong, but I do.

Internet, We Have to Talk

By 4 Comments

The Blogathon is over… I’m rested… And I’m ready to talk.

I slept on this. Twice. I’m not sure how to word what I want to say, but I’ll make an attempt.

Where were you?

I couldn’t attend BlogHer this year due to our lack of financial resources. I was bummed about it because I wouldn’t get to see my friends. I was starting to feel really morose about it, and decided to do something good to offset the bad, because that helps my mental state. That’s why I decided to do Blogathon this year. I could do good, and have something to occupy my mind.

I wrote about it on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, every social network I have, and emailed everyone I know (except for my husband’s family.) I reached out several times. Supposedly, this is my community. Had all the people that I’m friendly with, worked with, worked for, and are actual friends with given just one dollar each, I would have had a hell of a lot more money to give to my charity – the whole point of the Blogathon.

Want to know how many of you put your money where your mouth is to support your “friend?”

One. One shiny, pretty, lovely blogger who shall remain nameless.

Here’s the breakdown – I was able to raise $125 for Fisher House. A charity that I picked because I believe in it, and because I felt the reach went far – non-partisan, non-religious, and helped a cause my husband believed in (the least I could do, since he took over here for two days so I could participate.) To give you some scope on that number, 144 blogs participated, and $44,060.37 in total were pledged. This wasn’t a small thing.

So who gave?

My mom (of course.) Another lady who I hadn’t seen in 19 years until recently. She doesn’t really know me anymore, just gave of her heart. Two fellow Blogathoners who were moved to contribute for their own reasons. And the beautiful blogger I already mentioned.

Internet… I thought we were friends? I write in this box thing, and people communicate with me. They commiserate with me. They cry with me. They work with me. They laugh with me. I thought I had found my “tribe” as several bloggers have correctly put it.

Look – I know most of my people were at BlogHer. I’ve been there. I know it’s crazy, I know you’re busy, I know you’re overwhelmed. But I certainly had been putting this out there for longer than BlogHer so that’s no excuse.

Except for that one beautiful friend (and yes, I do consider her a friend) my tribe let me down. And I think I realize that maybe the internet isn’t my friend after all. And that maybe I was deluding myself into thinking that I was part of a community. Because I did the Blogathon three years ago, and you didn’t let me down then.

Maybe I’m just crying over spilled milk. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. And yes, actually, my feelings got hurt. This blog isn’t a job. It’s been a springboard to some other things, but this is not a problog. This is my cyberspace home. My journal.

Internet, are you telling me it’s time to breakup?

The Last Blogathon Post

By 2 Comments

Well, you beautiful people… It’s 6am pacific. Also 6am for me. That means I’m done! I did it! I survived! 24 hours of blogging every half hour.

Pledging is still open for 48 hours. Please consider it! Fisher House is such a great cause, and helps military families at their most vulnerable.

There were a few touchy moments where I thought I was actually going to have to post about bulldozers. Don’t ask.

There is one thing that has really really bothered me. But I am incredibly vulnerable right now and on the verge of tears, because I’m at my physical limits. So I need to sleep on it to see if I really want to hash it out. We’ll see.

Thank you for putting up with so many posts from me.

And whatever you do, don’t call me. I’ll be sleeping.

The weird blankness

By 2 Comments

So… for this post? I got nothing. I kept staring and staring at the blank page. Nothing clever. Nothing there. My brain is shutting down.

So, I finally decided that IS the post. The final one before the true last 6am one.

1/2 hour to go, and the blankness only came now? I know I had some touchy spots earlier, but that’s pretty darn good. 1/2 hour to go. 30 minutes and I’ll have made it to the end of the race.

The house is still quiet. No one’s up yet. God help me if the kids get up before Poe. 30 minutes and I’m home free.

I truly do apologize for this post. I just can’t think coherently anymore.

23 1/2 hours of blogging

23 1/2 hours of blogging

Recent Comments