Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

It Happened to Me

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I really hesitate to write this out.  More people from my personal life read here than ever before.  As a result, the place for me to dredge my thoughts has been censored.  Diluted.  I’m at the point of total writer’s block.  Don’t get too personal…  Your business contacts might find you (dude, I’ve been writing online since ’95.  It’s out there.)  Don’t get too controversial.  Don’t get too bitchy.  Don’t talk too much about religion.  Don’t talk about other people.

I’m done.  I can’t do it anymore.  I’m reclaiming this place.  It’s my journal.  It’s my journey.  I need it.  I do it publicly, because I don’t have many friends.  I need the community so I don’t hole up completely.  It’s personal.  Dirty.  Challenging.  Ugly.  My thoughts.  I have to get them out, and this is the only place I know how to do it.

I’ve been dealing with some crap from my past life.  You know – BK?  Before kids.  Before marriage.  It’s not like rehab, where I have to make amends.  I wasn’t hurtful to others, except maybe my parents.  That situation is something I’ll deal with later.  But it’s crappy things that I did or happened to me that were hurtful to me.  I’m a crossing guard, which doesn’t have anything to do with anything, except that I am not allowed to multitask.  I am a great multitasker.  So I have to sit there for long periods of time, just watching for people.  Thoughts keep creeping up into my head about something that happened to me a long time ago.  I finally had a dream about it last night, so I guess I have to get it out.  Maybe by writing it all out I can purge it?  At least for now?  I don’t know.

I’m closing comments on this post.  Those have the need to talk to me about it know how to get a hold of me.  I’m changing names so it’s not google-able.  The rest is below the fold.

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2011

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October 1950: American model Joan Vohs poses for a new year greetings card. (Photo by Keystone/Getty Images)

October 1950: American model Joan Vohs poses for a new year greetings card. (Photo by Keystone/Getty Images)

What do I want out of the new year?  I don’t make resolutions per se.  I find them to be restrictive.  But I do have general goals.  It’s an end and a beginning, and it only makes sense to think about what you want out of your future.

I want to be more organized.  No.  I want to feel more organized.  I don’t often drop the ball, and people – from friends and family to clients – know I’ll handle the details.  But that doesn’t mean my mind is calm, or that I feel in control.  Most of the time I feel like I’m hanging on by my teeth and fingernails.  So, I’m back to doing FlyLady.  Slowly.  With baby steps.  I’m being more proactive with my business.  I’m creating plans with the emphasis on what works to implement them.

I want to feel more healthy, alert, and energetic.  Which means quitting smoking, exercising, and eating well.  As a recovering addict, the smoking is difficult.  I’ve created a step-down plan I’m working.  I’m slowly started the Couch-to-5K program.  I’ve already run into problems with that – allergies, kid care, and Poe’s sleep schedule.  I’m not quitting, I’m fixing.  Slowly.  We have to live our life as well.  I’m considering joining Weight Watchers – but I haven’t decided yet if I can afford it.  I may just use Spark People and watch what I eat.  I do well with structure, though, so we’ll see.

I need to grow spiritually.  I’m working on that.  I’m not comfortable (yet?) sharing the specifics of that, but the point is growth.  I’m working on it.

Notice I didn’t mention money?  Well, now I am.  I fully intend that 2011 will be better financially.  I’m sick and tired and mad at focusing on survival.  I want more than that for me AND my family.  I want there to be emergency savings, retirement savings, college savings, and no debt.  I no longer want to be on pins and needles as to whether there will be food money week to week.  But – I’ve decided that focusing on it doesn’t work.  Hasn’t for 2 years.  Instead – I’m focusing on me.  Not in a selfish MEMEME way – but in the attempt to create out of myself a better, healthier, happier person.  I’m hopeful that the other things, like financial prosperity, will be a natural offshoot of that.

So, here’s to a wonderful, happy, healthy, prosperous, spiritual, exciting New Year, 2011 to all of you.

Take it Back

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We’re taking back the house today.  It’s overrun by Christmas gifts, crap from our office flooding, and halfway undone decorations.  It’s becoming a bit of a difficulty.  We still haven’t found the leak, and we’re due for more rain tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday.  So we can’t dry out the corner.  Plus, all my Christmas boxes are in my father’s garage, and he’s apparently not home.  But Dammit.  We’re taking back the house.  My husband is in Field Day mode (if you or your spouse is former military, you know what I’m talking about).  So – I’m basically working while he attacks the house.  And I really do mean “attack.”  I stay out of his way when he’s in this mood.

So – basically, tomorrow I’m not going to be able to find anything, because my husband has put it away in the wrong place.  But at least it’s not on the floor anymore.

A Fresh Start

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I’ve been overwhelmed in every single aspect of my life.  It’s been such a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other.

But I’ve always loved this time of year.  Saying goodbye to the old year, saying hello to the new year.  And that’s what I plan on doing.

I’ll probably get more specific as time goes on, of course.  But there are changes afoot in nearly every aspect of my life, from the house on up to my spiritual walk.  I’m determined to see them as good, as necessary, and to to the work.  I’m tired of the frozen stagnation I’ve felt.  A phrase I’ve heard bandied about lately, “Be the change you seek.”  That’s what I’m working on.

May 2011 be the best yet.

Sad Realities

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I took Logan with me to the grocery store the other day.

As we were leaving we passed a Salvation Army bell ringer.  Logan asked who he was.  I’m sure that looks strange to a child.  A man just standing outside a store ringing a bell.  Anyway, I told him that the man was hoping for some cash or change, and that they use that money to help people with things like clothes and food that don’t have the money for it.  Logan said, “But, Mom, we should talk to him!  That’s us!”

Sigh.

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