Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Toe Tapping

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It’s official.  I had my first tap dancing class last night.

It’s only a 5 week course.  I’d love to continue after that, but I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford it, we’ll see.

The teacher is the owner of the studio.  She’s also a choreographer, film/TV dancer, and teaches all of it – ballet, tap, jazz, modern.  Having been in the entertainment industry as both talent and then later on in the administrative side of things, I just had my fingers crossed.  She wasn’t a bitch!  Yay!  She was strict about certain things, but explained why.  The rest of the time she was very loose, and getting us to have fun while pushing us at the same time.

It is so familiar to me.  You know what they say about  bicycles and horses… But the view in the mirror is a whole lot different.

I’m glad I’m doing this, sore calves and toes and all.

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Crossing Guard

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As a way for my family to make ends meet, I took a part time job as a crossing guard for the last 3 months.  It is an extremely busy main drag in our town, a four lane four way signal.  Here are my notes:

For the Drivers:

  • See that sign?  It says “No U Turn.”
  • See those THREE signs?  They say “No Right Turn on Red.”
  • If I’m in the intersection – with my obnoxious neon vest, red hat, and huge red sign?  Don’t run the red light.  I’d like to live to see my children grow up.
  • Don’t stop IN the crosswalk.  If you do, I have to make the pedestrians wait another cycle of lights because you’re an idiot.
  • Don’t yell out your window at me, even to be funny.  At your speed, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
  • Don’t honk while right next to me.  I may pee.  No, I’m not kidding.
  • My hand signals are not for you.  If they were, I’d be facing you, making eye contact.  I’m not a traffic cop, and I’m not signaling you from the sidewalk.
  • I WILL give your plate number to the Sheriffs.  Also?  They like me.

For the Pedestrians – Kids and Adults Alike:

  • Did your parents really teach you to act that way?
  • Yes, I will yell at you if you attempt to cross the street IN a SHOPPING CART.
  • Also?  Use the brain God gave you.
  • Yes, I cross everyone.
  • Yes, I know you’re not a kid.
  • Yes, It’s company policy.
  • Yes, I get paid.
  • Also, it’s rude to ask my salary, seriously.
  • Yes, it’s a real job.
  • If you’re gonna get bitchy ’cause I broke your stride, use a trail or track – not the public street.
  • Did you really just do the “jogger snot rocket” thing next to my shoe?
  • Get off your skateboard or bike. Repeat.
  • Judging by your walking while talking on the phone skills, I suggest that you not try chewing gum.
  • “Thank you” never hurt anyone.
  • Don’t ignore me when I speak to you.  It’s rude.
  • When I tell you to hurry up, it’s probably because the light turned.  HURRY UP.
  • Tie your shoelaces.
  • I’m a mother, I can totally take you.  Do that again, and I’ll smack the back of your head.

Go See

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Our finances suck.  Therefore, I’m not at Blissdom.  That hurts – it’s my favorite conference of the year.  But Carmen, who is there, had a call for guest posts while she’s gone, and I obliged.  Go check it out: My Guest Post of Awesomeness.

PS – If you know me or went to school with me in real life?  I betcha knew nothing about it!  I kept it pretty close to the vest.  I was, after all, the resident outcast.  I didn’t want more attention.

The Past is the Past

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Last night, I had a dream.  That dream finally woke me up around 3am, and I was up after until about 4am.

I’m pissed off about it.

In it, I was attending (and helping) at my ex-fiance’s wedding.  In real life, I was not invited, nor would I have attended his wedding to the chick he cheated on me with.  But there I was, being my helpful self in my dream.  The truth is, my relationship with him is a part of my serious downfall into the rabbit hole in my early twenties.  Part my fault, very largely his fault.  I won’t go into all the details, as there are some portions of it I don’t want to rehash.

I was up rehashing our relationship in my head, basically ranting at him about the 3 things that ruined our relationship, and ruined me for the better part of two years.  We were together for 5 years, and then it took me 2 years to get over and through the fall out.

This all happened about 15 years ago!  I thought I was over it.  I think I am.  But I really hate when memories come back to haunt you and bite you in the ass at the same time.  It’s over.  It’s done.  I’m in a healthy, stable, loving marriage.  I would just like to tell the past to stay the hell in the past and let me live my life.

This Year is Somehow Different

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For the last two years, I’ve basically ignored myself.  Some of it was on purpose.  For example, I’d struggled with weight loss and body image issues for so long, that I purposefully ignored them.  No attempting weight loss.  No struggling with clothes, fashion, etc.  Does it fit, and the colors go together?  Fine.  No dieting.  Everything else got ignored too.  I didn’t shave my legs unless it was date night (wink).  I didn’t get my nails done.  Cut my own hair, when the frizzies took control.  Makeup was a big deal.  I ignored myself in other ways too.  I became sort of robotic in getting through the day.  It’s been a survival mechanism of sorts.  I know I’ve been in depression on and off.  But there was no money for drugs, no money for doctors.  Anything in those terms had to be put towards the kids.  It’s not a good thing.  It just is.

This year is somehow different.  I’m ready to change my life.  But I didn’t come to some sort of decision.  Not really.  It just happened.  Something has changed.  I’m ready to tackle my weight.  I’m ready to tackle becoming more healthy.  I’m ready to tackle girly things.  Regardless of how trivial, it does matter.  But I’m making changes.  I’m analyzing things that don’t work, or obstacles that trap me.

I’m still working on quitting smoking using a step down method I created for myself.  It’s working.  It’s very slow, but that’s on purpose.  I’m down to 14 a day instead of more than 20.  Doesn’t sound like much, but that’s more than 2 packs less a week.  And I’ve not given up.  As for weight loss, I can’t afford to do anything structured, I’ve found.  So – I took a look at my diet, and figured out what stopped me and fixed it.  I never eat breakfast, snacks, and rarely eat lunch.  So, I’m eating a meal bar in the morning ,because I get up so early, making food is seriously gross to me, so I can grab it and eat it while working without thinking.  Snacks, are timed, and are either snack bars, or an easily enclosed fruit (like a banana), and another meal bar for lunch.  I cut out the obstacle of not really having time to stop, but still ingesting nutrients, which is necessary.  Dinner is the same as it always is.  I’m not worrying about it, just watching my portions.  I hate drinking water, so I’m using Crystal Lite, and that’s palatable to me.  That gets the fluids in me I need, but not as much soda.  As for exercise, I tried the Couch to 5K, and realized I REALLY REALLY hate running.  So…  3 days a week I do the shred, or just the gazelle in front of the TV.  I figured out the timing to get around other obstacles in my head.  This is good.  So, I’m moving.

If I can come up with the money, which I think I worked out, I’ll be doing something utterly ridiculous soon.  I need to get out of the house.  I need to interact with others – much as I kind of hate people.  So, I’m taking a tap dancing course.  It’s something I can do, I’m actually pretty damn good at it, and don’t feel like a poseur, like I would if I were taking something like hip-hop.  I seriously coveted the grownups high heeled tap shoes as a child in tap, and now I get to wear them 😉  I feel so silly telling you about it, because it brings to mind sequins, tulle, recitals, and parents in the audience with their trusty camera ::shudder::.  But guess what?  I’m doing it anyway.  It’s fun!  When I told Poe, the look on his face was classic.  He was stuck there, laughter alternating with supportive, right there warring on his face.

You know what I did last weekend?  While watching Netflix, I polished my nails.  They don’t look half bad, and make me feel sexy.  I shaved my legs.  I have no idea why.  I just did.

I’ve been researching and studying spiritual matters important to me – not what I was told to study, or what others deem important.

After these small incremental changes, I realized something.  I hate to quote Justin Timberlake, but I’m totally bringing the sexy back.  And?  It has nothing to do with my husband.  Now, there are fringe benefits that go with it, surely, but I realized that what’s really happening, is I’m reclaiming me.  I’m reclaiming my womanhood.  I’m doing things slowly but surely that make me feel sexy, confident, and attractive inside and out.  I’m learning about myself – what makes me tick, and how to make these changes work with me instead of against me.  Somewhere along the line, “it just doesn’t matter,” stopped creeping in my head.  Life is just so short.  This is still the case.  Whereas before, that made me feel defeated, and as if what I was doing didn’t matter, who cares?  Why take the time or the energy?  Now, it’s as if that very fact is prodding me on.

I’m finding Michele again.  I didn’t even realize I’d lost her.  This year is somehow different.

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