Sparks and Butterflies...

I was on my way to work, when I

see this huge bunny in the road, which I thought was road kill. And it

was big. I’m trying to avoid it when I see that its guts are white.

White stuffing. Some poor little person lost their bunny. I wonder if

they tossed it out the window while their parents were driving. Mom &

Dad took one look at the freeway and said to themselves, “I’ll BUY

another dang bunny”.

This scheduling thing is NUTS with the kids. I wrote out the schedules

for the week. I was going to repeat it here so you can actually see the

chaos that is my life – but I’m so sick of it, I decided not to write

it again. Every day is different and nuts. Between my work, Jay’s

work/sleep, Jay’s school, My parents’ schedule/travel schedule, and

Joseph’s baseball, it’s all so crazy. I owe Brandy a butt load of money

for babysitting, but I haven’t gotten paid a real paycheck yet.

(another 2 1/2 weeks for that, the whole first week catch up thing).

So, she’s yet another debt I’ll be paying off in addition to her

regular pay. Ugg. We owe a lot of money. I got it all down on paper the

other night. The only thing that makes me feel better is the only

frivolous bill we have is AOL. In other words a want instead of a need.

So, it’s not like we have gym memberships, and cable, and stuff like

that. I want cable or a satellite or something, but not until we can

actually afford niceties like that. We only had $70 for groceries this

week. And you have to remember that’s 3 people’s food, milk, diapers,

and formula. Not to mention household items like soap. I don’t feel as

guilty about coming back to work when I stop to realize how badly we

need the money. I mean Jay’s doing the best he can. He’s got as good a

job as he can get without an education, and now is going to school so

that he can further his career. We want to do things like save money

for a rainy day, save for college for two kids, and someday, in the

very distant future, buy a house of our own, with a yard. If we can’t

even pay utility bills right now, which is a necessity, then those

other things are never going to happen without my help. But the good

news is, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully.

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I’m feeling an overlying attitude of frustration and

annoyedness. Yes that’s a word – I just made it up. I’m trying to

pinpoint where it’s coming from. Not only is it counterproductive, and

makes me unhappy with the kids – who don’t deserve that from their

mommy, but it makes me not enjoy my life, and who needs that? There are

enough REAL problems. I think it may have to do with lack of sleep –

Logan was up a lot last night. And as usual, I had no help from Jay

with that. He was off last night. But he had school this morning, and

he has a root canal this afternoon, so I wanted him to get as much

sleep as possible. Plus, we went to bed late, since Joelle was over

here. She always stays late, and I hate to throw her out, since we

don’t see each other very often. I think another underlying factor is

how long it takes me to do anything. For example, this journal entry

was the first thing I wanted to do today, when I got up for the day at

6:30. It’s now 9:30. 3 Hours!! And I have I done anything? No. I’ve

just been trying to keep Logan happy, and all that good stuff. I think

that adds to my frustration, because once I decide to do something, I’m

very impatient about it. I’ve always been that way, but it’s not

something that is productive or convenient when you have children.

I’ve gotten some of the house completely clean. I still have to do the

living room, and our bedroom. But the kitchen, the kid’s room, the

hallway, and the bathroom are completely clean. Of course, by the time

I finish, the rest of the house will need to be done all over again.

I think another frustration just sort of lying low in my head is the

fact that I haven’t lost any weight this week again. I’ve not gained,

but I haven’t lost. I hope it’s not like with Joseph. I didn’t start

losing weight after him until he was 9 months old. I don’t want to wait

that long.

I want to write about some more stuff, but Joseph just came home from

his grandparents, and so I need to go. Sigh.

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