Sparks and Butterflies...

I have some frustrations that I just have to get out before I lose it. That’s what my journal is for right? I also have to ask you guys out there some questions, so if you want to skip the angst and go straight to the questions, they’re at the bottom. I actually outlined what I wanted to get out. How anal is that? We have a spider problem in this house. Now, they aren’t biting us, or getting into our food, so it’s not a health issue. Yet, at least. But it’s gross, and I hate spiders, and it’s gotten so bad, that I leave them alone now. It sounds so stupid, but I wonder if they’re a little community like ants, and I’m afraid to piss them off. Especially since they seem to think this is their new home, and I don’t want them to get all defensive on me. They’re having babies! In places that create a nook, say where a wall meets another wall, or doorframe, they’ll make a baby sack. And when it’s “done,” it’ll eat through the little sack, leaving the sack there, with a little hole in it. Just today, I opened my portfolio (with paper in it, which I used to outline today’s entry) and the process of opening it opened the sack, and out popped a baby spider. YUCK! I told my dad about it (he’s our landlord) and of course, he downplayed it. He went so far as to say, “Well, there weren’t any spiders when we cleaned the house and painted it. Terry (the previous tenant) never complained about it.” Might I add that Terry was a complete slob, to the point of sloth, which is why my parents had to paint, and re-carpet. They even had to replace the fridge. It wasn’t just regular, new tenant maintenance. May I also add that my father is the kind of man that when my mother complains that the car is making some kind of funny noise, it’s in her head until he hears it himself. So, needless to say, he said “no” to the exterminator suggestion I made. So, any ideas of how to rid my house of these beasts? Is there some kind of spray? And if so, where do I put it? It’s not like ants, where there’s a line, and you can see where they are coming in. You also have to remember that I have two babies, so it can be something terribly toxic in the air. Any ideas? My skin is breaking out somehow. They aren’t zits. They’re read bumps that look like mosquito bites, and as time goes on, they get raw, looks like there’s two punctures, and itch like crazy, and when they heal, they scar. I’ve got them in a line under my breasts, where my bra goes, on my upper arms, my back, my tummy, and my upper thighs and hips. I know they aren’t zits, and they act just like bug bites. Nobody in the house has them. This has been going on for several months, a new one a day when I wake up. But I’m not feeling bites in the middle of the night, nor can I find bugs, or bug carcasses in my bed (which has clean sheets) or my bedroom. This really has me itchy and bugged, if you’ll pardon the pun. It’s not impetigo, my husband’s had that twice and knows what it looks like (he experience all kinds of yucky stuff in the marines). I don’t think it’s hives, although I’m not entirely sure what they look like, although it could be brought on by stress, which I know hives can be. Any suggestions? I think (this isn’t a rant, just a random thought) we have another church to try. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it, so I’ll mention it again. We’ve been trying to find a home church. We like the teachings of Calvary Chapel (a non-denominational Christian church with major emphasis on the Bible). But the two closest ones here we didn’t like AT ALL. Most of the churches in our area are out. Mostly because they’re statement of faith on their website doesn’t mention some things that we feel are fundamental to our faith. The two major ones being that Jesus rose again, and some of the sites don’t mention the Bible once in their sites at all, even in passing. But there was this one pastor that is on TV on Saturdays. I really liked his teaching style. Not once do they mention money, or giving support to the ministry, and when they do – that’s always a red flag for me. It’s more like, it’s his regular sermon, and it’s just televised for the benefit of more than just their congregation. So I looked up THEIR site, and I really liked what they had to say. Their statement of faith is right on to what we believe, there is a strong emphasis on Bible study, and they have a lot of ministry opportunities, and biblical educational, and church community opportunities. It’s in West Covina which is a little farther than we really want to go, but truth is, they aren’t THAT far. So, I think we’ll try a visit next week. Who knows, maybe we’ll, after a year and a half of looking, have a home church. So here’s our regular Sunday routine. Jay lets me sleep in. We’re talking until nine, not the day away. Why? Because it’s just me for the kids at night. I don’t get much sleep, have to get up early on weekdays for work, and Saturdays are out, since Jay has school. I don’t think it’s a whole lot to ask. So this morning, Jay comes in, without letting me sleep in, when he gets home from school. No good morning, or wake up sweetie or anything. He just launches into “I have a proposition for you.” He wants me to get up then, and let him go to sleep. Then I am supposed to wake him up at one when the kids are taking their naps, so I can take a shower and go to the grocery store, and be back in time to let him watch the superbowl. And then it will be over in time for him to help me bathe and put the kids to bed. So, What’s wrong with this you ask? 1. I don’t get to sleep in. 2. He gets to sleep. 3. I get the kids all day, with no break, so that he can watch the superbowl. 4. I’m to get him up at one which means 5 hours sleep, which means he’s either a., not going to get up, or b., be an asshole about it all so that I can 5. Do more chores, yippee! 6. Then I get to watch the kids, while he watches the superbowl, during which time he will completely ignore me. 7. He’ll help with the kids at night. For an hour. To bathe them. Uh huh. This consists of him getting in the tub. He plays with and washes them. I however, undress them (which they hate), bring them in, one a time. Then I get to remove them (which they hate), one at a time, from the bath that they love, dry them off (which they hate), dress them (which they hate), and put them to bed (which they hate), so that Jay’s martyred self can dry off and dress. Uh huh. What a big help. Then, although he says he won’t, but I’m always right about this stuff, he’ll ask if he can take a nap before work, since he didn’t get very much sleep. So someone tell me – doesn’t a proposition usually mean give and take, both parties get something out of the deal??? What am I getting out of this deal? A little help with bathing the children, which would happen anyway. Someone to watch the kids while I shop, which he would probably sleep through and just leave the door open, leaving me to shop, load, unload, and put away the consumable items for 4 people. Oh, and don’t forget the privilege of not getting to sleep in on the one day a week I try to get some sleep – but rarely get it anyway. I’m not seeing the plusses here. He acts like it’s this great deal, and isn’t he a great guy. I would not have been upset in the least about any of it had he come in and just said, “Could you get up, so I can get some sleep before the superbowl?” I know he loves football, and I know that today is a major deal for him. Therefore, I would have been fine, and gotten up, and just given him his day – no complaints, because it’s a major interest of his, and we support each other’s interests. Simple as that. Heck, I probably would have gone to the store and gotten him special treats! And I’ll bet a million to one, he knows this. So now, I’m the bitch. I hate feeling this way. Now I feel martyred, and I shouldn’t when I’m just doing household stuff that would need to be done anyway. But I’m ticked. And this doesn’t happen very often, so I’m just going be ticked. And the thing that bothers me the most is, he doesn’t get it. I need a little help from you guys on a couple of things. First, I need a good quality digital camera, with a good deal, because we’re on a strict budget. Second, This journal is a little difficult for me. I don’t have a lot of time, so when I do an entry, I manually change the HTML for that day, the day previous for the link, and the home page for the link, and then FTP all three files, and God forbid, I’ve edited anything else. Is there an easier way? Moveable type doesn’t work, because I have AOL, and can’t upload it into my FTP. Any ideas?? That’s all.

I love FlyLady!! I’ve been doing it for about a week (a second start for me – tried it about a year ago). I’m doing my routines, and am starting to see a change in my outlook of things, and I’m picking up, and getting organized, and I have so much less pressure on myself. And less guilt! If you are disorganized, or have a lot of clutter, or are overwhelmed with what you have to do in your home – try it. It just might be the answer you’re looking for. It’s geared towards SAHMs but with a little tweaking, it works just fine for us moms who work outside the home. Before when I tried it, I was a SAHM and I’ve made it work for me both ways. I am a perfectionist – and it’s making me realize that “housecleaning, even done incorrectly, blesses my family” and “it doesn’t have to be perfect, just do it” and my timer is now my best friend. “You can do anything for 15 minutes!” It’s my mom’s birthday today, and I did my obligaatory call to her (she’s traveling). Of course, she’s in Missouri, so they’re on tornado watch. What a vacation. Things are getting better for me at home. I attribute a lot of it to FlyLady, as my attitude has changed some, and I’m more relaxed at home. And yet, I’m getting more stuff done… Go figure. This temporary schedule is killing us, but next week it will be back to normal. I’m going to be moving my journal to another site. I’m not sure which one yet, but I think I need the change. This ftp, html from scratch thing just isn’t working for me anymore. I’m still exploring some different sites, but of course, I’ll put a link here when that happens. I won’t just disappear. Again, if you have suggestions, let me know!

Well, we’re finally recovering from our surgeries. Traumatic, painful, and over. 6 weeks from now, I’ll be able to use a tampon for the first time in my life, and Jay and I will be able to have sex without pain, and without a condom to boot! Yay! Needless to say, we’re looking forward to it. Jay is looking forward to the next 6 weeks themselves though. Ahem. He has to take a sample in to make sure the surgery took after 12, umm, moments. We of course want this to happen before the 6 weeks are up, in order to not have to worry about contraception when we finally can have sex. Which means, I’m going to be providing an unreciprocated service for Jay twice a week for 6 weeks. He’s giddy. Joseph will be visiting his grandparents up north for a week or 2 this summer. I’m waiiiiiiiiting. The child really does drive me insane, so I’m really looking forward to this. This will be the second time this has happened. The first being when Logan was born. So this time, I’ll be able to enjoy the peace without the filter of sleep deprivation, umbilical cord cord cleaning, spit up, and the torturous beginnings of breast feeding. Of course, I still have to work. The world can’t be perfect. I’m sort of having a spirital crossroads. We don’t have a home church. It’s really hard for me to stay focused on Bible study and prayer without going to worship services once a week (at least). And we haven’t had a home church for almost 2 years. We really don’t like our denomination’s church here in town. But since it’s technically non-denominational Bible study, we should be able to go to another church. It’s not that easy we’ve found. Either we don’t believe in the statement of faith for the church, or we go to their website, and not once in the website (describing all their services and ministries) and not once do we see the word “Bible” written. That’s a pretty good example of where they stand on Bible Study. There’s one more church we want to try, and we simply haven’t. Lots of excuses, but the main thing is, I don’t want to go by myself with two kids to a brand new church. Jay covers his boss on Sat. nights, and he gets home late (8:00am as opposed to 6:30am), and there’s just no way he’s going to be able to sit through a sermon, no matter how riveting, without falling asleep. So the basic answer is, I’m not going to church right now because I’m a wuss.

It’s been forever since I’ve written, and I’ve been trying to figure out what the hindrance is. It might actually be the process of html. So, maybe I’ll try to write each entry every day, in plain text, and then post the entries in batches when I have time. Hopefully that will help. Updates around my family… My mom recently got out of the hospital. Pneumonia. Feeling better, still weak though. Jay is going to have to have dental surgery. Not fun – for anyone 😉 Slowly but surely Joseph is being potty trained. Logan is getting more and more personality. He’s still a very sweet, sweet natured boy – but there’s a little bit of mischieviousness coming out now. Very cute. Joseph got into his first fight, which landed him in time-out at his babysitter’s. His vocabulary is amazing. It’s also amazing how many different ways he can tell us off at 2 1/2. Jay’s still in school, but he’s asked for a transfer to another store to work in. He really isn’t getting on with his boss, and it’s no longer just a personality issue. So, he’s waiting for the transfer to go through. We’re getting a handle on our debt. In other news, Jay will be getting a vasectomy as soon as our insurance referral goes through. He wants more kids, and I don’t. But since I can’t use any form of birth control except for condoms, he’s decided that sterilization is the answer. But he wants the kind that can be reversed, just in case. Plus, he doesn’t want me to do it, because I’ve already had so many reproductive problems. And he was envisioning using condoms for another 20 – 30 years, not to mention the Oops! factor. We’ve already had one break, and I waited with baited breath for my “friend” to arrive. So – this is what we’ve decided. First off, I do not have the temperment to be a nice patient mom. Another baby would exacerbate this problem, and that wouldn’t be fair to the kids we already have. In addition, one of our children is going to be a wild child, and a discipline problem. That’s just his personality. He’s been that way since he was born, and is just a fact of life. But knowing this, we know he’s going to be a handful for many years to come. My other son has a congenital heart defect. He will definitely be having open heart surgery, and depending when that surgery takes place, maybe many more. Not to mention the possibility of rejection, the risks of the operation itself, and any lasting effects. The medical costs alone, depending on how many operations there are, will be at least $200,000. We don’t really know how much of that we will be responsible for yet. It could be more as well. No to mention the actual care of a child with special health needs. I so do not want another child, both care wise and financially, on top of all that. So Jay said he would “get snipped” – I hate that term. I offered to do it myself (on myself not on him!), because I was worried about the psychological ramifications for him, as a fairly young man (he’s only 26). But we talked it through, and he would rather do it than have me do it. So, I’m just going to sit back, not argue with him, be grateful, and help him through it. I joined Weight Watchers with Amy. We go every other week, instead of every week, due to child care issues. I had my first (2) weekly weigh in last night. I lost 5.4 lbs!!! I was worried that I hadn’t lost any, ’cause I started my period, and had all that wonderful PMS stuff going on. My goal was 4 lbs for the entire month of January!

Hello there everyone.

Just a short sweet update on us…

Jay

Still in school, still in nightcrew, still my hubby, nothing new with

him.

Joseph

He has a cold. Not too happy about either I might add. He LOVES it at

his new babysitter’s house. He actually asks me to go. And no tears

when I leave him. I’m so happy that he’s happy. Won’t go near Santa

though, so no picture this year. First time I have seen him afraid of

any person before. However, he’ll point at Santa and talk about him

from a distance. Maybe next year. His vocabulary is growing. He’s got 1

– 10 down. And he’s using his vocabulary to describe things. Sparkly

things, or things he just really likes are “pretty” which he says just

fine, and “boo-tee-ful”. I just love the way he says it. And if

something is beautiful to him, he’ll stand there in absolute awe, and

say the word in a hushed voice. On the other hand, he is REALLY turning

into a holy terror when he’s mad. I don’t know WHAT we’re going to do

about his temper. The only saving grace about it is, if I’m not with

him, he’s very good about minding the person he’s with, and minding his

manners. He’s 2 1/2 and says please (peas), thank you (tank you),

excuse me (scuuzie), and covers his mouth when he coughs. Not when he

sneezes though – those kind of catch him off-guard. He’s knows how to

whisper, and will be quiet when asked. I’m very proud of his behavior

when I’m not with him. When I am with him however, everything I just

said flies out the window and he turns into one of THOSE children. You

know – the ones you give wide berth to at the mall, or ask yourself why

doesn’t that mother just leave with him? In answer to that question –

it’s not as easy as you think, when you actually NEED those groceries,

and who’s going to watch him while you do that, and it may be another

week before you have another opportunity, and the little one needs the

formula TONIGHT, and really it bothers me than it bothers you. Unless

you have one of these children, you have no idea the absolute

mortification one feels when your child has a temper tantrum. The next

time you see a child acting like that, take a good look at the parents.

I don’t mean the obvious expression. I mean the tension in the

shoulders. Take a long at their chest. Are they breathing hard or

taking long deep breaths to calm themselves. Do they have little fine

lines around their mouth, as they are forced to remain calm? Do they

have bags under their eyes from exhaustion? And by the way – there’s

nothing we can do in public. If you’re a spanking parent, you can’t

spank your child. Because if someone sees you, many times they call

security on you. I’m serious. If you do nothing and ignore the child

(in hope that your inattention will get him to see that he’s not going

to get his way that way), you get looks and comments. There’s no

“right” way to handle the situation – because it’s a temper tantrum!

There’s one thing that someone did the other day. It was wonderful and

almost made me cry. I’m trying to maneuver the double stoller through a

whole lot of rude people cutting me off because hey, they’re more

important than anyone else on this earth, my son is raising a holy

ruckus, flinging himself around and screaming at the top of his lungs

to let him go (he was strapped in). A lady was walking by, and just

took me by the shoulder and said “Mom, tomorrow he’s going to be 25.

It’s just a phase.” Patted me and moved on. It was so nice to know that

not everyone out there was thinking I was an awful mother.

Logan

Has 3 teeth now. He got his first picture with Santa – so adorable.

He’s smiling so big you can see all 3 of those teeth. As he gets older,

he’s happier and happier. He’s VERY ill though. He has bronchitis that

won’t go away, and he’s now on 3 different medications to try and get

him over it. It’s to the point where he’s losing weight (on the

medications he can’t keep solid food down) so it’s pretty bad. But I

just simply don’t want to dwell on it right now, so I won’t. No I’m not

in denial, but I’m the one who has to hold him down to force an oxygen

mask over his face so he can get his breathing treatments, so I just

really don’t want to think about sickness right now. He’s SO close to

crawling. It’s absolutely adorable to watch cause he’s got this really

fast rocking thing down where he revs up and launches himself to

skootch, instead of crawling. If he tries to crawl, he goes backwards,

and he gets this really confused look on his face, since that wasn’t

his destination (hence his new launching strategy).