Sparks and Butterflies...

Jay got his first paycheck today. It wasn’t a full one, just for the 3 days from his 1st week back. He’ll get a feull paycheck next Friday. Oh this money is so needed. We had our first indirect negative encounter from Jay going back. Even his picketers were better than this (he went and told them in person). My aunt. She told my parents that they were cheap and greedy (for not wanting to pay our rent/utilities anymore), called me lazy for not being able to cover all our expenses by myself, called Jay a prick scab, and then said that when he graduates in March she hopes that he can’t find a job. She said a lot more, actually, but I can’t remember the rest, since I’m so mad. She made my mom so upset her heart started acting up and had to get her emergency medicine out. My dad, who makes no bones about what he thinks a \”man\” should do, and never expresses his love for Jay, but he called her, \”a mean-ass cunt\” – my father does NOT speak this way about any woman, he’s from the old school. He also proceeded to defend Jay, and say that Jay was doing what was best for his family after talking to everyone involved (including him). This coming from the 50 year union member. Anyone, the conversation degenerated to the point where my parents are no longer travelling with them this weekend. I told my mom that yeah, it hurt, but it wasn’t any of her fucking business. You see we’re not talking about someone I’m close to. My mom and dad are, but I see them maybe once a year. And that’s just if they come to my parents house for some reason, which they never do. She’s not an integral part of my life, such as Jay’s parents, or my parents. So, while I usually don’t use that kind of language with my mom, out of respect, that’s what I said. And I meant it. My parents shouldn’t be put in the position of defending their son-in-law to anyone (or their daughter for that metter). oOOOOOOOoooo I’m just really irked right now. I mean come on. She said some really hateful things. And my parents told her that this has gone on just too long, that the guy who went back with Jay went back so he wouldn’t lose his house (his first house, with a baby due in April), not to mention, Jay is still a part of the union, and pays dues, just changed to a different status so we basically wouldn’t get sued. She said that the guy should have lost his house. That’s the price you pay for being a union man. She said that there’s no way we’re still a part of the union, \”Scabs are just liars, don’t believe them\”. I just don’t understand. I’m sorry, but you can’t eat on principles. And his crossing came after prayer, and then I told Jay to talk to his friends, talk to the store manager, talk to his parents, and talk to my parents before he came to a decision, and then prayed again. I support him fully, as my husband, and besides, I don’t think anyone’s right in this fight anyway. And frankly, you have to do what you have to do for your family. Almost 2 months of trying to find another job, going into the 4th month of the strike, no paycheck, and my parents paying our rent and utilities, so that I could try and make sure the rest of our stuff didn’t go down the drain. Uggg. Sorry. Rant. Let me flip the coin to another topic altogether. I bought 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex for Jay and I. It’s not a sex manual. There’s a 3 page introduction, and the rest of this 2 inch thick book is 50 \”her\” and 50 \”him\” envelopes. There’s one at the end for both. The deal is, you open your envelope at the beginning of the week, and have the rest of the week to accomplish the seduction in there. This has been very cool… Neither one of us has done the first one yet, but just the anticipation, and hints and stuff has been great for us. We’re flirting, and giggling, and having fun together, and it’s something, I don’t know, Light between us after the hell that was last year. But I highly recommend it to anyone married out there. There’s also one for romance – but we decided to go for the sex 😉 It’s so nice to have that sexy, flirty, anticipatory (it’s secret, so you don’t know what the other is planning) undercurrent in the midst of financial stress, work stress, end of school stress, sick kids, tantrum kids, and opposite schedules. It just plain makes like easier to bear. And we truly don’t want to become bitter people, or bitter and resentful towards each other. Thank God we’ve only gotten stronger, but we want to stay that way. And they said it wouldn’t last.

I would do a real update, but I’m not sure I want to think about life right now. Jay and I are still doing really bad financially, since it’ll be another couple of weeks before we see a paycheck. I owe almost $6000 to my parents due to the strike. Logan is turning into a little butterball all of a sudden, all chubby, and heavy. And I’m so thankful for that – remember the kid was at a -3%growth rate. But he won’t say, \”Mommy\” or any variation thereof. He’ll be 2 in May. I’m finding it difficult to not be hurt. Jay and I have been trying to be more flirtatious with each other. This is difficult, because I don’t know how, any extra attention put on me causes me to blush and stammer and stutter. Literally. And I’ve got a very voracious appatite sexually, and yet, am too embarrassed to ask for or take what I want. And subtle things go WAY over Jay’s head. So, we’re trying to get me to open up a little and be less stiffled with him. We’re just now doing this almost 6 years of marriage and 2 kids later. But he knows \”I’ve got an inner sarcastic kinky bitch\” in me – and am just afraid to let her out. He watched me punch a nurse and kick a doctor in the face during our first childbirth. He’s watched me kick and punch through boards in TKD. He’s heard me and my mouth during the actual ACT. But try to flirt with me, and I look at my toes, blush, and giggle. Mainly because I can’t think of a thing to say back. We’re working on that. He says he doesn’t know a smarter, more sexual woman, and wants me to \”play\” more. In all ways. He says I’m too serious. So, we’re working on it. I don’t know if it’s working or not. My first boss I had right after we got married was around during the pregnancy and and about 6 months after. When I told her I was pregnant, she said, \”Good. Maybe you’ll learn how to play\”. There was another girl who worked with me in the department who was very, I guess shy. It turns out, she was scared of me. I found this out later, as we became friends. Why are we friends now? Because after hours, Jay came to pick me up from work, and caught his reflection in the glass of the building, and started dancing. Because he was wearing gigantic mouse slippers on his feet, and wanted to make them dance. She came to me to tell me about the weirdo (remember it was after hours), and I proceeded to tell her it was okay – he was mine. We became friends after that because she decided someone that was married to THAT wasn’t so scary. So – Jay and I decided we’re not going to let me be so serious anymore. Michele is going to flirt with her husband. She’s going to have fun with him. Or die of embarrassment trying. Seriously though – Any advice on flirting is really WANTED. Help Me!

Uncle Rex’s funeral is today. I had to be at work today (it’s the last day before my boss goes on an around the world business trip). Joseph and Logan can’t go to the babysitter’s because they BOTH have pink eye. So, Jay’s going to take Logan when he gets home from school, and then my parents are going to take Joseph with them to the funeral, which has my other uncle all in a dither. \”Well, what are you going to do if he acts up!?\” To which my mother replied, \”Clyde, I’m going to sit in the back with him, and if he acts up, we’ll just go outside and play\”. I mean, I’m sorry, but we’re in a bind. He can’t be around other children until next week (Logan being case-in-point). I’ve got to work. Jay’s got to sleep (during Logan’s nap) after working all night and then going straight to school, since he’s got work and school tonight. I mean, I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. When it’s someone’s time to go, they don’t wait until it’s convenient for everyone, they go when God calls them. So, of course it’s inconvenient! You just have to deal in situations like this… So the viewing was last night, the funeral is today, and the burial is tomorrow. Jay’s gone 2 days in a row to work. He’s the boss, so it’s been very interesting – as these people are used to working without any supervision… So, Jay’s kicking their butts, since it’s fairly obvious about the lack of leadership. So far, it’s been okay. I’m alone at night again – but to be honest with you, it’s having a good effect on the house. There’s no one to mess it up. And I can get it cleaned up without having to work around someone. But the nights are lonely, and it’s just me. Jay seems to be in better spirits, and while I haven’t asked him about that part, I think it’s probably because he is supporting his family again – we haven’t even seen a paycheck and the change in him is discernable. I’m not going to TKD tonight (Jay is) so I can give my parents a break in watching the kids. Then I’m staying home from work tomorrow, so my parents can go to the burial, and lunch with the family, without the kids in tow, and Jay can sleep. Then they’re watching them so that Jay and I can spend the night at Dave & Shannon’s, which was planned a very long time ago, well before Uncle Rex passed away and the kids got pink eye. This week was definitely polanned differently. Anyway, so tomorrow night is Dave’s 30th birthday party. His wife is hiriing a limo to take a bunch of us around to someplace, the location is a surprise. Leaving at 7pm and coming back at 3am. So – we were told to bring our ID’s, and clothes to spend the night, or else have a sober driver ready to pick you up at 3am. Well, we’re spending the night. Because, even if I did stay sober, I’m not about to pick up the kids that late. A night, together, where BOTH of us can drink (one of us always has to be sober to drive/take care of the kids when we got out, you know, once in a millenia), with friends, who all have kids, who will have escaped for a night, and can really have a good time, in a limo, no one has to drive, and there’s no \”pick up the kids\” time – not to mention the possibility of \”vacation sex\”. I’m very excited. Not to mention I’ve lost weight since a lot of these people have seen me, which means I get to wear my cute jeans, and not feel self-concious. I feel sorry for Shannon though. She already knows that there’s a real possibility of everyone getting smashed except for her (her baby is due in April) – but that’s actually probably a good thing, as SOMEONE should have some semblance of sanity. I have no idea where we were going, although at some point there was mention of Santa Barbara. Who knows. I’m so excited. I’m so done with \”mommy\” and sick kids. I mean come on! In the last month I’ve dealt with death, stomach flu, regular flu, and pink eye. In the last 3 months, we’re talking strikes, no money, broken down cars, the holidays, my mom was in the hospital, Jay injured his hip and then his foot, so more doctor bills. The list goes on. All without a date night, ’cause there’s no money to go to eat, or to the movies. I’m so ready to cut loose. I’ve already planned on packing aspirin and a bottle of water in my bag for before I go to sleep.

Quick update on all things crazy – Jay is still crossing. We’re in the process of legally covering our butts. We should know more as the day progresses. Joseph may have pink eye, just what we need. And to top it all off with lots of icing… My Uncle Rex passed away yesterday. At what point do you throw in the towel??

Life is pretty on edge around here. Seriously. Dude. This enter-expletive-here is the kind that ulcers are made of. So, Jay and I were talking about how over time God has sort of faded out of the picture for us. And how I’ve been mad at Him. And about how it’s possible this is all going on to draw us closer to Him. We decided to go to church on Sunday. We still don’t particularly like the church. But it is Bible based, and for us, on a theological standpoint, that’s what’s important – that and they treat the kids well in the nursery. The message on Sunday was poignant to us, and our current troubles (trials and tribulations, if you will). And I’ve been praying more. I haven’t been praying lately, because I simply couldn’t. Quite literally, \”Hi God – \” and then I’d blank. I’d feel this desperate feeling I can only characterize as \”HELP!\” in an emotion. But I couldn’t articulate what I was feeling, or anything else for that matter. Today a few things happened. First, we found out that Dave did indeed cross the picket line. Jay talked to him. It basically came down to cross, or lose his house. He chose to cross. Jay began thinking in those lines, talked to me, talked to my parents, talked to his parents, talked to Dave again, talked to some store managers… And decided. Jay is going to cross the picket line. Please don’t email me any negative comments. We already feel like sell-outs. Sell-outs who haven’t paid 4 months worth of rent or utilites, who have friends who are going to lose their homes, who are about to have collectors calling the house, and who haven’t found another job after searching for over a month. We’re not qualified for government assistance, unemployment, or disability. So Jay has made this decision, and it will mean a paycheck coming in. Of course, that’s going to come with all kinds of other backlash. But the fact is, he’s going to be quitting to start a new career in, hopefully, 3 months. We’re still working out all the kinks, and we have to file legal paperwork to keep the union from suing us etc. Ugg. But we consider it a prayer answered. And I got a raise. A small one, but a raise just the same, which for us, today of all days, is answer to prayer as well. Perhaps, just maybe, hopefully, things are going to start to look up.