Sparks and Butterflies...

I’m sitting here, just not knowing what to write. Do I write about my own personal experiences with the evil of men (gender specific), or my personal experiences with the evil of men (as in mankind)? Do I write about the horrible things going on in the world right now, or of specific incidences of heartache brought on by the immoral, criminal actions of others? Or perhaps I should write about how this has been happening since the dawn of human civilization – or perhaps just go down my own family tree. I guess the conclusion I came to is that evil is evil. Whether you’re discussing a concept, an action, a memory, history, or just one person. You may having differing standards on what defines evil. Perhaps it’s just \”the way they are\” or perhaps it’s because of an action taken. Perhaps everyone outside of your chosen religion is \”evil\” or all those who sin? So, what do I believe personally? I think evil is. I believe both that there are evil people out there, just through and through, and I also believe that there are people who have simply done evil things. I DO believe in sin, believe everyone is a sinner, but do NOT believe that every sinner is evil. Evil, to me, is that icky, dark, menacing force that takes us over when we do something we shouldn’t. You can feel it, right before you tell a lie, or anything else you know is wrong. Doing it anyway doesn’t make us evil, just weak or perhaps deceived. But there are those people, where that icky darkness I mentioned just seems to ooze out of their pores. Those are the people you just have an innate distrust for. The ones you don’t want to be left alone in an elevator with. The ones who, if you make eye contact with them – you wonder if they saw inside you, and what the consequences of that will be. Hopefully, you’ve never run into those kind of people. But if you, like me, have had dealings with those people – you realize that you either turn your own life around, or end up dead. That’s the true power of the evil that men do.

On the way to Alma’s house today, I sneezed. So all the rest of the way I kept hearing, \”AAaaahahhh-Jew!\” from a certain little creature who STILL won’t say \”mommy\”. Jay has his competition on Saturday. I’m so nervous for him. He’s only a little nervous – he’s more excited than anything else. On top of that nervousness, I’m testing for my next belt next week. Then I’ll be even with Jay again. I’ve been out for 5 weeks, between my illness, and my mother’s hospital stay. I’ll be testing for my Orange belt. Wow. We started out with white, and have graduated, yellow, purple (me now), and then orange is next. I do want to compete like Jay is doing on Saturday, but the truth is, I’m not ready yet. I suck at sparring, and that’s the plain truth of it. It’s a combination of the constant questioning, \”am I doing this right?\” and the fact that I’m afraid to hurt the other person, the end result being that I pull all my kicks, and don’t land anything, and then end up being on the defensive. You can only earn points on the offensive. I really want Jay to spar with me at home, to help me get over it all – since I know I won’t hurt him. But I think he’s afraid of hurting me. They only allow him to spar with black belts in class, he’s very powerful with a fighting background. And you know what? Watching him spar? It’s a really big turn on. What does that make me? Big changes are afoot. I’m trying not to let it all get to me. I don’t do well with change. Now there’s the understatement of the century. But I have no control over any of it – our money situationk, Jay graduating, trying to find a new job, and the new lack of salary, hours, and childcare possibilities that brings. But I can’t do anything about it now, so I’m trying to not dwell. It’s hard though. I want to prepare, and yet, there’s nothing to prepare. We had a long talk about our financial situation, responsibilities, and lack there of. We’ve upped our 401K contribution, and I’ve reallocated it all to be much more aggressive. Turns out I was investing it like a 70 year old women who has to protect it as her livlihood, when the truth is we have many years to retirement, and have the option of investing over the long haul. No wonder we weren’t making anything. So we upped the percentage, so we’re \”paying ourselves first\” as all the financial advice tells us. We’ve made a pact on our spending habits and such, and how to prioritize what we’ve got. We’ve decided what needs to go, if anything needs to, and what we need to pay for out of our own personal weekly spending cash. Who knows how all of this will play out, but at least we’re talking about it instead of just sweeping it under the rug. My mom is constantly on my case about it, ’cause we owe her money – a lot of it – from the strike. Which probably means that my dad is all over her. Money sucks.

Money sucks. Lack of money sucks. Thinking about 401ks, budgeting, saving, itemized spending, the whole thing just sucks. The money isn’t there! How can I make a dent in debt, save for a house, correct our credit rating, and save for other fun things like vacations, when I can’t hardly pay the freakin’ rent!!?? Arg. And my mother is so helpful. She tapes Oprah when it’s going to be a financial show, etc. Blood out of a turnip people. What is so hard to understand about that?

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy Lord. I’m sitting here at work, wiggling one way and then the other. I cannot get comfortable ’cause I have CRAMPS. I hate them. They are making my life miserable at the moment.

So, today was one of the worst mornings. You know the ones. We’ve all had them. I slept late. Therefor, I left late. On the way to Alma’s I realized that I forgot to bring her diapers for Logan. Get off the freeway, turn around, get the diapers, back on the freeway. By now it’s 8:45am. I have to be at work at 9am. I’ve still got the kids in the car. It’s not going to happen. I call Jennifer, the one who gives me the cold shoulder anytime I have to do something like this – let her know I’ll be really late. Get the kids into Alma’s. I park in her driveway. Well someone else dropping their kid off decided to double park behind me. I can’t move. Have to wait til she’s done chit-chatting, even though she SAW me, and told me she’d be quick. ARG! Then traffic was astronomically bad. I think there were some accidents, but I’m not sure. Stop and go the entire way, when normally, it that way in only a couple of specific places. I got to work 45 minutes late. There was no coffee left. And here I am. I hope the day gets better. I am in the process of re-vamping my life. Financially, personally, the whole shebang – even re-doing the house. So far, everything’s hopping along, and I’m not overwhelmed. I wrote everything down that I wanted to do, which helps me not to get overwhelmed. When I DON’T write it down, then whatever it is runs around my head over and over again in a loop. Once I write it down, I can forget about it, and then simply refer to the paper. But all that didn’t make any difference this morning.