Sparks and Butterflies...

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I believe I can officially say God is back in my life… I can both talk to Him and feel Him. I don’t know what happened, or what caused the drought, but I’m glad it’s over. I’m going to go to the women’s conference in September, if I can scrape up the money by then. I’m thinking of asking a friend I never ever get to see to go with me, but she’s newly married, so I’m not sure she’ll want to. We’ll see. Other than that, we’re bopping right along day by day! I’m sorry for the short entry… I just don’t feel particular verbose.

Work has calmed down a little bit. Just a little though. We had two films scoring at the same time, not to mention that they were scoring here. Now I’m just waiting for all the bills to come in, so it’s a lot calmer. My job definitely ebbs and flows. I’m still liking my job. However, in the budget meeting a couple of days ago – the big one – with the president of the division, I ended up getting so heated that I yelled in the meeting. This is very very unlike me in a professional setting. I’m nothing if not diplomatic. Plus I fully recognize the idea of burned bridges, and relying on people to get your work done, and having to work with people in future, and therefore am terribly good at the \”let’s work this out\” and \”I’m having a problem with\” or \”I’m not sure I’m understanding, explain it for me\” school of thought. Instead, in this particular meeting, I was being jumped on and accused of stuff for not being in the budget. Excuse me? I don’t actually decide what goes in there, all the other idiots (who were jumping on me) do. And so I rather loudly let them know that. In front of the president. Sigh. But it turns out in this case, I’m right. He decided that we’re going to have a seperate meeting on Monday, just on that subject, and figure out the system once and for all. In addition, he was pissed himself. And told me after the meeting not to worry, it’s not my fault, and I’m doing nothing wrong. Plus, he told my boss to give me a hug, because I was pissed. I felt vindicated, because, frankly, this president is both quick to praise if you do something right, and quick to criticize if you do something wrong. He’s not shy, diplomatic, or anything. He says what he means, up front. So, I know I’m really not in trouble because he said so. I like that – knowing he means what he says. So, thank goodness, we’re having a meeting on Monday to figure out this stupid stuff. I had try so hard not to cry in that meeting. Whenever I’m really upset, or really angry, the tears just come – which is really frustrating for me, since once they start I sound like an idiot. I just DID NOT want to be *that girl* in the meeting. Luckilly, I was able to control myself. In other news, Jay took the kitties to the vet yesterday for their first shots and check up. Bandit had ear mites (on medication now), fleas (on medication now), and worms (got dewormed). The other kitty was fine. However, the other kitty (previously named Smokey, and then named Bear), well… he’s a she. Now named Sassy. I call her SassyBear. Sigh. Can’t get them fixed until their 6 months old. Oy.

This is going to be short and sweet as I’m busy. First – a rant on the prima donnas in this world, primarily composers who think if they say jump, I jump. I don’t jump. I don’t make a little butt wiggle. I will simply look at you, and let you know that I’m going by the budget, and will let you know what the studio executives approve. In addition, I don’t care. I really don’t. I don’t care if you think you are \”worth first class.\” The contract YOU signed says business. Get off my back. I don’t care that you’re in another country. I don’t care that there’s a time difference. Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. Yes I want a good film product. However, I’ve got 19 other composers in 19 other countries working on putting together 19 other film products. And I’m one person. Quit your bitching. I know what you’re getting paid, and I know what the other 19 are getting paid, so trust me when I say, you are not \”worth\” more than anyone else. Okay I’m done venting. We have another kitty – the one we were supposed to get in the first place. So now we have two and they do NOT get along. Midnight and Bandit. Midnight is Midnight because his first name was Smokey. Smokey and the Bandit. I’m not having a Burt Reynolds movie in my house. I don’t know what to do with them. In addition, one of them has peed on me for the last two nights in a row. Now I love clean sheets as much as the next girl, but that doesn’t mean I want to be washing my sheets and remaking the bed every freaking day. Joseph’s back to school night is tonight. We’re showing our business to someone on Friday. I am not at all pleased that Bo did not win. I will be purchasing his CD when he records, you can be certain of that!! We tried a new church last Sunday and we loved it. We’ll be going back this Sunday, with the kids this time.

Ok, so let’s start out with the banal laundry list and then we’ll move onto the meatier stuff. The kids are doing well. Logan is now officially 3. They’re growing up and turning into little boys in front of my very eyes. What happened to my babies? We had orientation for Joseph’s school, and back to school night is next week. Job is less hectic, but good. Jay is still loving his job. Business is trying… We’re motivated but it’s still hard to build, though build we must and we’ll keep going… We have dreams we’re attempting to build. I spent last night in the emergency room. Too much blood during my period yet again. My boss gave me the card of her gynecologist, who, while board certified, is holistic in her approach. So, considering my spectacular problems with hormones, migraines, hormone imbalances, and hemmoraghing, it’ll be lovely to go to a doctor who doesn’t want to give me hormones, or a hysterectomy (which leads to further hormones). Living in fear that I won’t be able to drive home from work since my migraine has impaired my vision again is not an option for me. So, perhaps her holistic approach could help. It certainly won’t hurt. I need a gynecologist anyway on my new insurance. Now for the weightier issues. I seem to have embarked, without meaning to, on a self help mission. I’ve been feeling for a while that God seems to have left my life. I feel a spiritual emptiness. I also feel a physical emptiness, like my body isn’t mine anymore. I feel lost. I feel like I’m in some sort of crisis for my sanity. I hit the breaking point the other day when I had one child on one side of the driveway, one on the other, both in full temper-tantrum mode, and I was late to work, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I sat down and cried myself. When I got to work, I IM’d Jay that I needed to leave. I needed out. So we decided I needed to find some sort of solution for myself. I got a book (see sidebar) with different ideas for discipline for the kids, since they just don’t react the way other kids do, nor does the suggestions their doctors, grandparents, babysitters, parenting books, et al say they should. So, I’m hoping that getting creative will help in that area. Physically, I need to stop smoking, and I’ve felt a large urge to actually do it, which I’ve never felt before. I’ve started on vitamins. I’m thinking more about food from a nutritional standpoint, rather than a dieting standpoint. I was serious when I told Jay that I need to get away. I researched, looking for some kind of retreat, spa weekend, conference. Anything to get away. They all were either WEIRD (cleaning out my colon is NOT relaxation thankyouverymuch) or way too expensive. I finally looked into the next Women of Faith conference. I’d seen them advertised, but thought they’d be too expensive. It’s not. On the early bird registration, I can get two days of conference, including lunch, for $99. Hotel for the night, $99 at a decent hotel. By myself. Jay said to go for it. I’m going in September. In addition, we’re going to try a new church. It looks promising, and we’re going this weekend. I’m reading Leaving the Saints (see sidebar) right now, and the author talks about this spritiual NEED inside of her. A mantra of, \”please, please, please, please\” in her being. I get that. I feel that. For a long time, I haven’t been able to pray. And when I would try, the only cohesive thing I could think was, \”Please. Help.\” Suddenly, I feel like I’m on the cusp of something. What, I don’t know. Spiritual awakening? A newer, better, more intimate realtionship with Christ? A better belonging in my skin? Peace? I simply don’t know. I just know that I feel on the edge of something potentially good. I’m not sure what’s going to push me over that edge, and I don’t know what’s on the other side of it. I only know that for a long time all there was for as far as the horizon was a monotonous litany of emptiness.