Sparks and Butterflies...

Sometimes I want to write… Other times I’m just too overwhelmed to rehash everything and need time. Other times, I have an itch to write and just don’t have anything to say. Today I have an itch to write. Joseph has had his EEG and I’ll be calling on Monday to schedule a followup, but I would think it would make more sense to wait until after his catscan. He’s not doing any better… Stil cycling through bad and good times. Logan and Joseph got into a pillow fight which ended up splitting Logan’s ocular muscle by his eye, nearly to the bone. 6 stitches. Good Lord the blood. And they had to strap him down to a board in order to do it, since three year olds are really Octopi in disguise. That was awful to watch. His stitches should come out tomorrow. He’ll have a scar, but they called in a plastic surgeon in order to minimise the scarring. You can’t see it very well in the picture, but yes, there are 6 stitches. In other news, work is crazy nuts. Crazy nuts. There were layoffs and now we’re all picking up the slack because, yes, those positions were indeed needed. AND they’ve ramped up production, so we’re working on even more films. It sucks. I’m behind. I’m not a happy camper at work. I still love my job, however, I never know when we’re going to get just slammed. Jay really really really wanted one of these. They are very very expensive. But I got a bonus at work. We couldn’t find it anywhere – ANYWHERE – they’re all out of stock. So we found our way to ebay, and won an auction. Hopefully it’ll be a good transaction. When we were first married, I had an engagement/wedding ring. When I got pregnant with Joseph, I had to put it on a chain around my neck, as my fingers were swollen. After I lost the inital water weight after his birth , I was able to wear it again. But soon after, the center setting fell out. Jay managed to find the setting and diamond in our bed, an amazing feat actually. We put it in a zip lock baggie in order to take it in for repair the next day. We never saw it again. We have no idea where it went or how it got there. In the years since, I contacted the jeweler Jay first got it from, but they discontinued that particular line, so they couldn’t help me. Every jewelry store I passed in the mall, I stopped to look. I started to keep tabs on Ebay because, you never know. There were lots of variations, but not MY ring. I was amazed to find that it was so hard to find. What’s interesting, is I kept finding the engagement ring from my first engagement to my ex Chris over and over and over again. But this one was just too original I guess. I did find one, a couple of years ago, but the bidding ended at almost $1000. I just didn’t have the dough. I was so disappointed. So I wrote to the seller to find out where she got it, or any information, and I explained why, but I never got a reply. I found it. My ring. MY ring. The auction ends in less than 2 hours and I’m the current high bidder. I want my ring back. UPDATE: I won! I’m getting my ring back!!!!!

and the hits just keep on coming. My mom has to go to an oncologist and hematologist for leucopenia (low white cell count). How does one with an imagination like mine not take that information and just run with it?

Joseph had another episode at school. I had to leave work early to remove him. Apparently he scared them and they wanted him gone. Really what scared them is the speed at which he got violent. I’m starting to get the passive aggressive, \”have you thought of this\” emails from my mil. For example, an article about how awful TV is for children. With a follow up email about how she didn’t write the article and it’s not meant as a condemnation on anyone (I’m the only one it was sent to), and she’s just sending it for informational purposes. I turned around and sent it straight to her son – \”From your mother.\” I’m not playing the game any more. If there is any correspondence will go through him. I’m done. I’ve gotten into something really strange as of late. The blogs/journals of \”birth mothers,\” women who gave their children up for adoption at some point, and they’re now going through all kinds of emotions, trials, etc due to living with it. It’s fascinating and heartwrenching and heart breaking. I don’t truly understand my fascination. I’ve not given a child up, but I’ve lost through both abortion and miscarriage. I’ve not been an adoptee, although I wasn’t raised by my biological mother, since she left me at 4. I don’t get my interest in their lives, since it’s not something I share with them. Okay, perhaps that’s not true. I think I’m fascinated because they loved their children. Perhaps they did what they thought best at the time, or were forced into it, or didn’t know about resources available to them, or any of a host of other possible reasons. BUT. They loved them. I can honestly say that I don’t think that mine did. And so there are these women out there who do. I didn’t think that happened. All of a sudden there’s all this pain out there that I didn’t know was there. All these issues I thought was over. I’ll be 31 years old in March. I literally live next door to the house that Jeannette, my biological mother, left me at. I was four. She was my mommy, I remember her, she left. My mom (her aunt, my great-aunt who then took over raising me) has told her about me (she lives in Las Vegas). But she changes the subject. She doesn’t actually want to know. I talked to her in July, when Robert committed suicide, but only about that. I have questions. Why did she leave? Why did she never write a birthday card? On the Christmas cards she now sends, does she only put \”from jeannette and mike\” (stepfather)? Does she actually know who my father was? The name on the birth certificate was investigated by the DA, because my mom couldn’t officially adopt me due to her health conditions (but I was allowed to live with her under custody). They said that no one by that name on my certificate exists. Was I really a John’s baby? I know she was rumored to take clients home after her \”dancing\” shift. Why did she never seek me out? Above all, why did she leave me? Why? She is now in need of a heart transplant, or she will probably die in less than a year. She hasn’t decided whether to be put on the donor list or not. She doesn’t want to live on medication the rest of her life. I thought, surely, surely now, she’ll want to clean up the loose ends. Surely! But nothing so far. Jay asked me if I wanted to go to Las Vegas and confront her to ask her my questions, since now, time is short. I said no. I’ve lived with it this long. What I truly want is for her to seek me out and want to tell me. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

So, I talked to the pediatrician, and we’ll be going to the neurologist for the tests that the psychiatrist would like. Things are moving slowly but surely. I, however, am not doing so good. I think that I’m stressed out or something. I mean, I know I’m under a lot of stress, I just mean I think it’s starting to manifest itself physically. I’ve been getting weird rashes. Pinpricks that you can feel to the touch that get really dense from head to toe. Kind gross actually. And now I’m experiencing what I think are panic attacks. I’m not sure, since I’ve never had them before, but I think that’s what they are. So, I’m going to do a little research. And figure it all out. Somehow. I’ve also had a terrible back pain for several months. I have a chiropractor appointment next month. The first Saturday I could get. Life is weird. Let me just say that.

A lot has happened since I last updated… Let’s see… Jay might have news on his job next week. With what has been said, we can’t decide if their going to lay him off or promote him. Ambiguous is the best word I can use for the moment. I personally think they’ll promote him – and then he’ll be dancing with the big boys as far as work stress goes. But I’m hoping that his salary goes to match. Joseph lost his first tooth. Yes, the tooth fairy made a trip to see him. He was unsure, since he lost the actual tooth while he was at school, but I assured him that a note from his parents was sufficient. Now, for the heavy lifting… As I said in my previous entry, Joseph was seen by a psychologist who immediately diagnosed him as bipolar with ADD. We were leary of the diagnosis, after an hour of history with us, and never meeting Joseph himself. But, she wanted him on medication, which meant seeing a psychiatrist as well. For us, that also meant a second opinion. We had a meeting at school with the school psychologist, counselor, principal, and teacher. Since they were also leary of that diagnosis, we were confident that we were right in wanting a second opinion. In addition, they were very supportive of us, what we were doing, and very proactive about running interference with Joseph before he blows his top. The principal mentioned they may want to keep him back in Kindergarten another year. I do believe that this would be the year to do it if we do it at all, but the teacher was adamant that it’s not the time to think of it. She sincerely thinks that he will catch up. That was a relief. We’ll meet again, after Joseph is tested, in order to come up with an \”at school\” gameplan. So. We did indeed meet with a psychiatrist. He is much more conservative about a diagnosis, which I feel good about. There are many things that can lend itself to Joseph’s behavior and rages. He most particularly wants to rule out a seizure disorder immediately. So, we’ve run blood tests, which aren’t back yet, and I’ve a call in to the pediatrician to do a cat scan and EKG. After all the physical tests come in, then we’ll move on to the psychological tests, and then hopefully on to a diagnosis. If he is bipolar, so be it, and we’ll do what we need to do. But at least we’ll know we ruled everything else out. The psychiatrist spent a half hour talking with Joseph, and another hour and a half with me alone. I liked him. And he DID say that his raging behavior is WAY out of proportion for all the other factors (age, other behavior, etc.). We do have a wrinkle in all this stress. The in-laws are absolutely furious that we have not taken medication off the table. In addition, they’ve made it clear that all his problems are the result of my not being a stay-at-home mother, my mothering skills (or lack thereof), my lack of attention, etc. Oh, and if it is hereditary, of course, it’s my family. There are a lot of other things said, along with yelling, vicious emails etc. I won’t go into all the gory details except to say that my relationship with them is probably at an end, and Jay doesn’t want to communicate with them at all except to update them on the kids. At this point, if they want to visit with the kids, perhaps Jay will fly with them to their city. I see no reason that I need to associate with them. And truly, if I did, for the sake of Jay (they ARE his parents) and the kids (they ARE their grandparents), I don’t know how I would react with them in the same room knowing how they feel about me. I probably wouldn’t \”make waves\” however, I would probably get physically ill from holding it all in. It just isn’t a good situation. The bottom line is they chose to close their eyes to the situation, and when it came to a head, they acted surprised and lashed out with hate and blame. I mean, come on, they’ve never mentioned Logan’s heart condition once. Jay will tell them updates, and they just \”uh huh\” and then never mention it again. I wonder… The cardiologist thinks his transplant will be in 5 years. Think they’ll act the same way? Surprise and blame and hate? We’ve known, and let them know, about this since he was 2 days old. Something to think about. After all of this, Jay’s turned over a new leaf. He’s all of a sudden leading this family. The usual MO was I would wait, wait, wait, and then take over at the last minute when something needed to be done, ’cause it still needed to be done. His leading is really working for us, and it’s so nice to know he’ll handle certain things – and that he’ll actually do it. This is all new of course, but after almost 8 years, it’s really nice. Needles to say, all of this has been really stressful.