Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Mistakes

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Have I mentioned I’m in therapy? I’m sure I have. Yesterday was therapy day.

I talked about a situation at work. I had made a mistake. I had assumed something, because that was convenient, and with some other things outside of my control, let to an error. I was a writhing mass of anxiety. I don’t make mistakes at work. So I brought it up at therapy. Any kind of “badness” or conflict creates this massive anxiety in me.

After we talked in therapy, we figured out together why. I don’t want to be “in trouble,” or yelled at, or anger thrown at me. I’m a grown woman. It seems that I’m fine when it comes to conflict involving my kids’ care (Hello, mama bear!) but me? Not so much. So we kept going back further and further. While I do come from an abuse situation, it feels like it stems from my very first memory.

I was living in New Jersey with Jeannette (my biological mother, for those who don’t know my story) and my “step-father.” Quotes – because I don’t know if they were ever actually married. In our apartment, I was coloring in a book on the kitchen floor. I went “outside the lines,” and colored on the floor accidentally. When my step-father questioned me, I lied and said it wasn’t me. He picked me up, and took me, my crayons, and my coloring books, put us all in the bathtub and turned on the shower (cold not hot). At the time, I had a terrible fear of the shower, so I was always given baths. The result? Coloring outside the lines, literally and figuratively, practically gives me hives. I didn’t take a shower for years. Probably not until I was about 14. And I hate hate hate making a mistake and/or getting in trouble. It eats at my stomach.

So… We talked about how despite the fact that I’m really good at my job, I’m still a human being, and human beings aren’t perfect. That’s life, and life is messy.

Sometimes I hate being a human. Humans hurt.

Punctuation on Forums

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I read a lot of forums. For the most part, I’m a lurker, not a participant. Every once in a while I need to stop, though. Not because of the content, but because of the lack of punctuation. I’m not saying you need a degree in English – but common punctuation is good. It gets your point across with clarity, and gives the mind the natural places to pause. For example, here’s the former paragraph in the form I run into:

i read a lot of forums for the most part im a lurker not a participant every once in a while i need to stop though not because of the content but because of the lack of punctuation im not saying you need a degree in english but common punctuation is good it gets your point across with clarity and gives the mind the natural places to pause for example heres the former paragraph in the form i run into:

Throw in spelling errors and your eyes bleed. Here’s the bottom line… If you’re not willing to make it legible, it degrades the credibility of whatever information you’re trying to get across in the forum. You sound illiterate and ignorant. Am I just being snobbish? I don’t care about the odd type, or the odd misspelling. I know there are words I struggle with. Like “exercise.” I NEVER spell that word correctly the first time. But that odd run-on kind of thing with no punctuation? It makes me feel like I’ve got a stream of consciousness thing going on – but it’s not MY stream. Annoying.

Out of Sorts

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I’m a little out of sorts today. Not sure why. I have a big project due for work, so perhaps it’s that I have a deadline looming? I don’t know.

Luckily, I had a check come through, so I’m able to replace my desk lamp. I went to turn it on this morning, and nothing. I’ve gone through 3 lightbulbs in 2 months. So, I think the lamp has finally bit the dust. It lasted a long time though! I had it next to my bed growing up. For a cheapy lamp, it had a long long life. So I got Poe and I matching desklamps. Also cheapy – but the better ones are $100-$200 a piece! I can’t spend that on small lamps! It goes against my constitution. Anyway, they match the decor I’m attempting in the office (nice but not too masculine or feminine, going with the burgundy/navy blue color scheme) since Poe and I share the office. I definitely need one, because our office is off the bedroom, and it’s kept like a cave so Poe can sleep during the day, and I need to be able to work.

Logan lost a tooth last night (and made $3). That took me by surprise! He had told me one was a little loose, and then he stumbled in to bring it to me after he was supposed to be asleep. At least he didn’t swallow it. The adult tooth is rightthere where you can see it, so it looks like the baby really hung on a long time. I was worried he would have my teeth – his smile was so similar – but the gap in his front teeth is closing, and the one he lost last night is one of mine that are still baby. (Yes, I still have baby teeth at 36 years of age.) So, it looks like he dodged my tooth bullet. Now let’s hope both kids dodged their dad’s tooth issues.

OK. Gotta go get motivated to work.

Life on a Sunday

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Sundays are lazier than weekdays for me, but more active than Saturdays. On Sundays, I do some fun stuff (DVDs or playing WoW). But I also do household chores, and basic things to get ready for the week so all is not chaos on Monday.

So, today… Laundry and dishes will be done. Bills will be paid. Grocery lists made, and coupons cut. Basically, that’s the plan. But if I don’t get to it all, that’s OK too. The whole point is to make the week easier – but to be nice to myself at the same time.

The biggest hitch to the bliss of weekends? The children. The boys get along great – until they don’t. And that cycle continues all.day.long. Both the boys are good, kind, smart folks. But with each other? The mind boggles at how they can get so mean so fast to each other. They treat each other worse than they would even consider treating anyone else in their lives. I just don’t understand it, and I have yet to come up with a way to solve it. Siblings. Ugh.

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