Sparks and Butterflies...

I have not felt well at all for this week. I don’t know if my body clock is off due to the time change or what. I’ve been headachy, my body is sore. Like today, I went into work in jeans, tennis shoes, and a swearshirt. No makeup. Yesterday too. The most I can seem to do right now is be clean. My teeth even hurt. Maybe I’m fighting something off. As for the new design… I like it. It seems cleaner, less cluttered and brighter.

I had nightmares all night. Foggy ones, and I can’t grasp it but I know I didn’t like it. I talked with a support group via online chat last night. They were very welcoming, and I appreciated that, as I was rejected from another board. \”You don’t quite meet the requisites for membership to our group.\” This is of course after I told them I was just rejected by my natural mother. Nice. Serve the rejectee some more rejection. Actually it didn’t bother me THAT much, just the irony made me laugh. So I emailed/chatted with Joe. He told me how to go about getting my birth hospital records. It will involve one of my doctors, so I’m not sure how I go about doing this. I am due for my annual pelvic, but I’ll be going to a new doctor. Maybe I’ll ask him. My current regular doctor would blow me off. Baby steps. Here’s a kicker. Jeannette will be at my parents house some time tomorrow. She has to come to UCLA for some testing before she can be put on the transplant list for her heart. She’s coming to see my parents. Her daughter lives next door, and she knows that. But I already know she won’t come over. And now after her reaction to my letter, I know why. ‘Cause she has no urge to see me. This provides a lot of conflicting emotions. Sort of like the Donkey in Shrek, \”Pick me! Pick me!\” while doinging around. On the other end of the spectrum, in my head I say, \”Fuck you too, then, bitch.\” I may go to a healing weekend if I can save up the money. This has all turned into such a cluster fuck.

Today didn’t go to well. Nauseous, chills, etc. I had a fever earlier. And stomach pains. It seems to have subsided. Then, I had a couple of MIL emails that I just don’t want to go into. And there was passive agression involved. Ugg. And this whole adoptee miasma. I dont get it. I just don’t get it. How could I have been fine for 31 years and then BAM! I’m not fine anymore? Or was the \”fineness\” a coping mechanism? I don’t know. But a mother that I respect sent me a couple sites to check out for support, which I will do tonight when I’m home from work. Really, that’s all I want to do. I don’t want to clean up the house. I don’t want to watch TV, I just want to curl up under a blanket. The weather isn’t helping matters. Sometimes, I really think I’m going crazy. Or that the obviously happy people around me are lying.

I’m very antsy and frustrated right now. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because Jay talked to MIL today, and I’ve been this way ever since. \”Issues\” is such an understatement. And now, she’s a client of our business, so I had to write an email with instructions and welcomes and yuck. But at least in that particular point, I had to be professional, although I’m keeping my distance emotionally. But then, obviously not. Or else I wouldn’t be feeling this way right now, right? Ugg.

So, I’ve been looking up groups/songs I used to love to download now that I’ve joined the generation of iPod and iTunes… Birthdays are wonderful. Um. Yeah, so. All I can say is NKOTB. It’s a sickness.