Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Fucked-Up-ed-ness

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Pardon the french, but that is how the day has gone.

My mother has been rather ill on and off for about 7 years or so. There are many things wrong with her.

  • Heart – She had a rare growth that landed her in the medical journals, and led to an uber-rare heart surgery that saved her life. As a result, she has been on heart meds, such as blood thinners for most of her life, and lives in atrial fib (never in sinus rhythm). Because of the surgery and where we were in medical science at the time, she has a metal mesh “cage” holding her sternum together, which is rather interesting to see on x-rays.
  • Stomach – When I was 4 or 5, she had some kind of operation on her stomach which reduced it to about 1/2. While I believe it was a tumor, it had the results of a gastric bypass, albeit more than 30 years ago. She has old ulcers that have healed over (scar tissue). She has GERD. She will sometimes have random, serious, internal bleeding (coming out both ends). After 7 years and more endoscopies than I can count, they have never found a source for the bleeding. The bleeding itself has resulted in numerous blood transfusions, and three incidents of “won’t last the night” calls (two of which came from Mexico which is rather nerve-wracking for the person – namely me – in the U.S.). In the last go-round they did a colonoscopy, and did remove several pre-cancerous polyps. She can’t eat a lot, some stuff she can’t eat at all, and she has a lot of vomiting episodes which can cause serious weight loss. She’s around 80 pounds at the moment.
  • Lungs – She has asthma, and a weird lung disease of tropical origin that I cannot spell and they don’t know how she got it. It makes her prone to coughing, giving her chest pains (see metal cage in her chest), and vomiting (see stomach issues). She is also very susceptible to bronchitis and pneumonia, and ER doctors always assume she’s a smoker, although she never has been (although I question the decade of the 60’s, but she insists). She is on oxygen at night.
  • Diabetes – I never knew this, but you can develop diabetes from high medical trauma. 7 years ago, she almost died on a cruise ship. What saved her was an emergency blood drive on board ship, while they transfused her overnight and they got close enough to shore that a medivac unit could get to her. She spent a week in a Mexican ICU, and another month in the hospital here in the U.S. That’s when she developed diabetes, which is insulin dependent.
  • Mental issues – She DEFINITELY has undiagnosed mental issues which can be exaggerated depending on whatever medications she’s on at the time for the various medical crises that are occurring. My house growing up was… interesting. Picture being in 6th grade or so, and being woken up to your mother vaccuming your room around 3:30am because it simply had to be done then. Or literally kicking your door in because she had laundry to give you and she felt you were too slow to get to the door to open it for her. Like I said. Mental issues.

And we come to today. Last night into this morning, she became too weak to walk. My dad, with my help, can care for her full time – as long as she is mobile. As long as she can make it with wheelchair assistance to the car for the doctors, or other places, or walk to the bathroom with assistance, we can care for her. But if she’s not semi-mobile, we’re simply not equipped. Long story short, we took her to the ER, where they basically said there’s nothing medically wrong with her right now, and do you have an advance directive? Time for hospice or a nursing home, ’cause we’re not going to help you. She has been moving into dementia. So my day was spent alternatively picking her up to adjust her on the bed, or holding her down so she couldn’t get out of bed (we didn’t want them to use restraints). We have moved her into a nursing home where she’s supposed to be getting physical therapy to strengthen her again to be able to walk. I don’t know if she’ll be coming back out again. This isn’t what either my mom and dad want, but we can’t care for her this way, so I told my dad if he wants her home, we have to get help in the home, period. He’s always fought this, but I think he finally sees the writing on the wall.

In addition, she has always insisted that she didn’t want to be kept alive by artificial means. But… Now she won’t talk about it. She said that the hospital has her wishes on file (they can’t find it), and when I tell her that, and that I just need to know what SHE wants, she tells me it’s not “your fucking business.” Yes, that’s my 80 year old mother’s mouth for you. (My children didn’t learn the term “asshole” from me.)

When she’s not in “right mind” she’ll have full conversations with you, they just aren’t quite right. Today, in the ER, she went in and out of lucidity. Frankly, though, she’d also had two doses of morphine. I don’t know why, but instead of rolling with it, my dad corrects her. I rolled with it, and it went a lot better. For example, she understood that she was going to another facility. Out of nowhere she tries to get out of bed. I put her back and asked what she needed. She said she needed to pack (she knew she was going somewhere). I just reassured her that I had already packed for her, and her stuff was waiting for her. She wanted to make sure that Jack (her dog, dead 45 years ago) was being watched. I assured her he was. She was satisfied. My dad, on the other hand, is telling her she’s not going on a trip, she’s in the hospital, and she doesn’t have a dog. That just seemed to confuse her. I don’t know what the “right” way to handle it is, I just know that my way seems to calm her and make sense for whatever she thinks is going on. His seems to agitate her, probably because she knows something’s not quite right, and he’s confirming that.

And, apparently, when she dies, she wants her body donated to science, because of that ultra-rare heart thing. And, my dad needs advance directive stuff. So my afternoon has consisted of research, but I’ve got paperwork in place in case it happens today (it won’t – but I’m a planner), they just need to sign on the dotted line.

It’s been a very strange, fucked up day. And now I’m on “middle of the night call” alert.

Being a grownup sucks.

I’m Available for a Fee

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So, I woke up this morning at 6am to Poe pouting. No internet access. I start panicking but realize the bill is paid. So, I start the whole ugly process. Resetting the router, rebooting the machine, doing the diagnostics, are all the connections connected etc. No dice. So, I called AT&T’s customer service, and go through the whole recorded thing, which hung up on me so I could do all the stuff I already did. So I called back. As I was doing sudoku puzzles while waiting on hold for 20 minutes, the internet magically came back on.

I can fix the innernets with my mind. I’m just that good.

An Example of Good Parenting

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I may piss people off with this one, but so be it. There’s a video that has gone viral. It has folks up in arms both for and against. I’m FOR. So here’s the video. And then I break down my thoughts below. *Warning: There is cussing, so no little kids – but hey… Have your teenagers watch it – we’re actually going to have our kids watch it, swearing and all. And the swearing actually comes from the teenager’s post, not the parent.

My thoughts, which I posted as a comment on the video in a highly condensed fashion:

I think posting this video on her wall is a stroke of genius. The folks whining about how embarrassing that is and shame on him? Um. Number one, she opened that door. Number two, he’s posting on her forum – meaning this is the way she communicates with the world. He’s doing it on her turf, in other words. That’s a greater impact, her friends may think twice about disrespecting their own parents, and it’s a step up in consequence from the last time they tried to “ground” her for doing something similar. Does she have the right to bemoan her life, in all her teenage angsty glory? Absolutely. In her own head, in her private journal, or in a rant to her best friend. So – when she took this to her Facebook friends (Everyone repeat after me: The Internet Is Forever.) she crossed the line, and he’s bringing it right back on her head.

Some of the commenters don’t seem to get that she did something similar and had her privileges taken away (computer, phone, etc). They already went down that road, and she apparently didn’t learn anything from it. In addition, the child just didn’t use her brain – she has an IT guy for a dad.

Respect for your parents is extremely important, and really sets the basis for your interactions within the family dynamic. If I birth, clothe, shelter, and feed you, give you love, don’t abuse you, and discipline you so you’re ready for your entrance into adulthood, I demand respect. Period. It’s my job to train you. It’s your job to learn. Pissing me off is basically pissing in your own pond. In addition to making me mad, it just makes your life, and those around you, more difficult. And respect for other humans in general? Dude. I’m so glad he called her on her attitude towards Linda (a lady that cleans their home in a services/barter type situation).

Paying for chores doesn’t happen around here. I do believe we’re going to start giving allowances… Probably based on a point system. The kids need to learn how to manage money BEFORE they leave the nest, and they cannot do that without actually having money to manage. But it’s not going to be based on chores they’re supposed to do. This is a family. This is our home. First, they need to learn a level of responsibility for their own things. Second, this is a FAMILY. It’s a family home. It needs to be run, we all need to live here, and Mom (aka Me) is NOT the slave, she’s the General. Everyone should have some responsibility in having the home run. Not only do kids need to actually learn the stuff of cleaning and cooking and running a home for when they’re out on their own, they need practice doing it. I left home without knowing how to manage money, without knowing how to clean, without knowing how to do laundry, and without knowing how to cook. Seriously. I had to learn everything on my own – and it was hard, because when I made mistakes, I didn’t know how to correct them. I don’t want that for my kids. I did have chores at home. Keeping my room picked up, and emptying the dishwasher and such. But mom didn’t actually TEACH any of the actual skills I would need later. Further – everyone lives here. A family is a unit, and everyone should have a hand in how it functions. We’re a unit, therefore the responsibilities need to be taken as a unit, otherwise they won’t have any respect for the work that needs to be done, and they won’t learn how to have pride in the results of labor.

As for teenagers having jobs… That’s, I think, dependent on the child. For example, I’ve worked since I was 12. I started out babysitting, and as soon as I was 16 (legal to work) I was working. I worked, all through Jr. High and High School. I got A’s and B’s on my report card, spent 4 years in the Band and Color Guard, and worked every.single.day. for 4 hours (half time) after school. I had to pay for my own car insurance, gas, clothes, extras like music, and food (including lunch at school). After high school, I worked full time, and went to school 3/4 time. I paid for my own books. Now, in my own kid’s life, I don’t know how we’ll handle it. Quite frankly, they have trouble in school. I think the added pressure of a job would seriously effect their education, so I don’t know that we’ll go that route. I don’t disagree with it in theory, but we’ll have to see how they mature. With their particular issues, it may, honestly, be asking for too much of them. But I’ll tell you what. With as much trouble as Poe and I have had in life – If I didn’t have the work ethic that was instilled in me, I’m not sure I would have been able to mentally survive.

Computers and kids… Having a computer is a privilege, not a right. Having a phone is a privilege, not a right. Right now, my kids do NOT have a computer. If they need it to do school work, they borrow ours. We have promised them that if they ever bring home all A’s on their report card, we’ll have the discussion of having their own. Until then, it’s up to us. We have a computer I’ll be setting up for them. Right next to me. I take very seriously the concept of The Internet Is Forever. I understand that we’re in a connected generation. But I think people need to learn how to think and survive without technology first, and then use the technology as a tool to make life easier (or more entertaining) later on. Life skills first, make it easier later. My children do not have phones. Later on, when they’re older, and spending more time away from us, we’ll consider getting them. But wanting a phone to be connected to friends (as one of my sons is currently begging me) is not a good reason.

The generation coming forward, and we’re just starting to see effects of, is a gimme, precious snowflake, participation trophy generation. Let’s get one thing straight. Once you’re out in the real world, you have to work for everything. You have to work for your education. You have to work for your living. You have to work to keep your personal environment the way you want it. Hopefully, you’re able to do things you love – but the work is still there. It never goes away, life is hard. It’s up to YOU to make it rewarding as well. I think we do our children a disservice when we don’t teach them this.

Quite a few commenters said he wasn’t being respectful to her and her property. Yeah, um. Who paid for it? He embarrassed her, how dare he? (Oh, that poor precious snowflake). They said he should be brought up on charges with CPS. I found a comment from someone who claims to work for CPS. They said that 1) He didn’t harm her. 2) He didn’t threaten to harm her. 3) They wouldn’t even come out on a call like this.

Frankly, this is my style of parenting. I’ve taken toys away. Not for a time – but for good. Doors come off hinges. Locks get put on things. My kids have issues, they definitely have. But they are respectful of us, to us, to their grandparents, and to other adults. They are well behaved. They try in school. They have “fun stuff.” They laugh. They’re hugged. They’re loved on. And we expect respect, and to live up to their responsibilities, or face the consequences. We fashion the consequences to make to MOST impact possible, and follow through. The grandparents, especially, think we’re particularly harsh. And we do have to toe a weird line of “is this disrespect/disobedience or part of his mental disorder” that most parents don’t have to deal with. But my kids absolutely know what to expect from us, always. I’m not coddling babies here, I’m trying to train developing minds to be successful adults. We must adjust to abilities, and adjust to maturing/changing/developing brains and hormones. But that doesn’t change our style, or the outcome we’re looking for.

They Say…

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They say… that the school system is good. Homeschooling is bad. Protect our teachers! They help our kids!

In one school in the Los Angeles school district, one teacher is being investigated after doing seriously nasty things (after a film developer was like, “ew” and alerted the cops – Related: how dumb is he to try and get his bondage photos developed?) and another is being investigated in the same school for abuse allegations. My kids, while we live in Los Angeles County, are in their own school districts, so technically, this isn’t “our problem.” I’m still extremely frustrated though – these are children, and my kids attend public school.

But check this article out. Here are some quotes from the article that make me livid.

Many parents said they want to know how the alleged acts happened during school hours.

IN THE CLASSROOM, during the school day. I’d want to know too.

Parents of several alleged victims are already taking legal action. Some victims said they told a school counselor about the alleged abuse, but they weren’t taken seriously and were reportedly told, “It’s not very good to make stories up.”

My kid has been suspended in the past because another kids said he hit him – and no one saw. There were no witnesses. And yet, he was suspended for a week, and the counselors were all over it. (Turns out the other kid was a bully that ultimately drove my child crazy – not not an exaggeration. We removed him to another school after a stay in a mental institution.) “Some victims” constitutes more than one. Why didn’t they do their job? MORE THAN ONE. What the fuck?

Attorneys for the victims said the school and the district failed to protect the students.

“Rather than take the steps to protect these kids, rather than making sure the door is open, make sure that there’s a monitor, check to see that he’s doing things properly, interview some of the students…what they did is they sanitized his file,” said attorney Raymond P. Boucher. “They took those complaints out and trashed them, so that the next time a complaint happened or took place, nobody knew anything about it.”

Shame on them. This takes “Administrative bureaucracy,” of which I have a lot of experience, to a whole new level.

The school board is expected to call for the firing of Springer on Tuesday. But under California law, neither the board nor the superintendent can fire a teacher. The case has to go before an administrative law judge and a three-teacher panel. During the process, Springer would be placed on paid administrative leave. Berndt was fired in March 2011 shortly after his investigation began.

Sickening.

Even if the two men are convicted of the crimes, they would still receive their pensions under state law.

I thought under California law you weren’t allowed to profit from your crimes. Considering one guy is an alleged abuser of 18 years at the same school, I think this constitutes profiting, considering he got paid to go in teach AND abuse. That’s sickening.

Yeah. Those folks who want teachers’ salaries dependent upon performance? That want folks to be able to be fired for cause? They are called crazy. This? Is disgusting. They’re not crazy.

Surreal Morning

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Logan had a 3rd grade “performance” this morning. Including percussion instruments. It was… painful and enthusiastic all at the same time! Cymbal players are very enthusiastic. Logan played the vibes, and I really need to get him into percussion class. The kid has an inherent talent. No, I’m not just taking about my kid ’cause he’s perfect. Joseph has absolutely no rhythm whatsoever, but is a talented artist. I know percussion (band geek) and he’s got “it.” So, the morning was spent reminding Poe not to laugh every time there was this random enthusiastic cymbal hit out of no where.

We were second into the auditorium, which meant we sat right in front. So Poe, being Poe, went up the mom who was there first to congratulate her. Don’t ask. Poe’s just like that, and when he’s had no sleep from working all night, I pick my battles. Anyway, we start talking to this mom, and I’m trying to be cool. Mom talk – school talk – who’s your kid, what class, any other kids… You know, parental chit chat. Why is this surreal? Because she’s an Academy Award winning actress we’re having this long conversation with. I won’t say who, ’cause lots of folks know where I live, and I don’t want to invade her privacy. She was lovely. What’s funny is, I’ve seen her around the school, and I thought to myself, “I wonder if anyone’s ever told her she looks just like…” Doh. And then the PTA President came up and we were talking about a job I do for the school.

And now I’m home working.

Surreal day. I look forward to seeing if anything else happens today. It’s just that kind of day.

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