Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Ambivalence of the Spirit

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I’ve been finding myself changing.  I think it’s a good thing.  I feel like it’s God working on me.  My values, my priorities, where my life is going, what I’m doing with the time I have.

Good.  These are all good things.

I feel, however, like I’m the verge of something in my life.  Something big, some big transition.  For the life of me, I don’t know what that is.

I know that I’ve been  researching more the concept of a Proverbs 31 wife…  Christian femininity…  And more.  I find myself inexplicably drawn to women’s websites who are leading these lives.

I’m playing with the finances…  Trying to make the numbers work.  So I can come home.  It just won’t work yet.  Yet.  The advice I was given was quit anyway, God will provide.  But I’m not getting that nudge from God.  I’m getting the nudge to prepare, but not to do.  I think that’s because I wouldn’t be a good steward if I were to do that.  There’s certain things that need to be taken care of first.  I’m not ignoring God, or his provision in this.  I’m listening to Him. “They” don’t get that.  That’s okay.

I feel like big changes are up for this family this year.  I can’t tell if they’re good or bad or what?  Will Poe get transferred?  Will I come home?  Will it by my mother’s final year?  I just don’t know.

So I slog on.  Pray.  Try to pray.  Try to keep my spirit open to His  leading.  I’m doing it.   It’s so hard for this on-top-of-things, can-do woman to do though.

a little bit of squee

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In this post, I’m going to be starstruck.  Please be prepared.

I’ve been writing online for 11 years.  Various incarnations.  Lost a lot of them.  Back then, I had free ftp and webspace on aol.  This was before the blogging platform was even thought of.  If you wrote an “online diary” you wrote it in notepad, did all the html from scratch.  You then ftp’d the entry to your server space.  And then you edited and uploaded your previous entry (so the link to “next” was correct), and you edited and uploaded your archives page.  Painstakingly.  There was no such thing as a blogroll.  Although pretty soon the webrings and burbs started coming about.

Flash forward to now.  I’ve never been one of the popular kids in the blogging world.  But I kept it up.  Writing about my life, my diary here.  And here we are.

I have another blog, which is my baby.  I shopped the idea to numerous networks, as I felt the topic was more important to get out to a larger audience then I could support with my readers.  Love you all as much as I do.   It took me about a year to find one that took me up on it.

Stay with me here, I’m jumping around.

So in the blogging world, there are some bloggers who are the creme de la creme when I think of the word, “blogger.”  There is a top five in my head.  One of which is Susan Wagner of Friday Playdate.  You may also know her from BlogHer, Mamazine, and Work It Mom.   She writes at a few more places too.  I mean come on!  She’s been interviewed on national TV!

OK, jumping again.

On my other blog, I have a Tuesday feature in which I interview and highlight other bloggers fighting the same fight.  Because I’d been reading Susan for years, I knew that she was fighting the fight, and thought I’d ask her for an interview.  Worst that can happen?  She says no.  So I wrote her.  I let her know who I was and what I wanted, and mentioned I’d been reading a long time.

Get this.

She wrote back.  Like immediately.  Not only is she doing the interview for the site…  She’s a lurker on this here blog!!

Squee!

WOOT!

Nobody in my life seems to get how cool this is to me!  Perhaps because they don’t blog.  So, I had to share this with others out here in the innernets…  Because SUSAN WAGNER KNOWS WHO I AM!

This is so incredibly cool to me.

There are only three or four of you that consistently comment, and I know who you are (**wave**)  But I know there’s more.  Do you blog?  What’s your blog?  Say hello!

And THANK YOU SUSAN!  You truly made my day.

stuff

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You know what?  I’m not that materialistic.  I’m not.

I AM materialistic in the sense of wanting a microwave, car for transportation, a soft place to sit, a computer…

But the microwave is the one my parents gave us when we married…  Almost 10 years ago.  My car is my mother’s old truck.  The “daddy chair” was a gift for my parents when their plans for the darn thing fell through.  My computer was paid for by my mother – and I honestly can’t remember why at the moment…  But it’s been years.  These things work just fine.  I don’t need a big screen TV, but I DO want to be able to see what’s going on.

So, I suppose in the “western culture” sense I’m materialistic.  But I find that in a real sense the less “stuff” I have the more clear my mind is.  No.  That’s not true – everything needs to have it’s “place” and the truth is our living spaces have been small, and that means less stuff.

But…  I don’t get a lot of stuff for me.  I put off things for myself due to cost, but don’t blink at it for others.

That seems to be changing.  I got my haircut.  The last time I did, it was a trim, in May I think.  I chopped it.  It’s about chin length now.  I stopped putting it off and just did it.

I also bought new clothes for myself.  I just didn’t have that many to begin with…  And over time, what I had has dwindled due to stains or rips and holes.   I have 1 bra.  And it’s falling apart.  But I’m picky, and there was nothing on sale.  But the final straw came.

I had a pair of cords I wear to work.  Very comfy, but still “good pants.”  I knew they had a small hole in the waistband, but let’s get real…  Who is EVER going to see my waist anymore?  I do not tuck.  Rule number one for my body weight and type.  I went outside to sit with my boss at work.  Riiiiiiiip.  Right there at work.  From the waist to down below the pocket.  In other words, my entire left buttcheek.

Oh – and to top it off – I wasn’t wearing underwear.  I don’t have any that fit except for my granny “period panties.”

Thank God I don’t tuck, I was able to carefully hide the goods with my sweater.  But, my boss had WAY too much fun with the whole situation.

And then I bought clothes.  Several pieces.  And they are new.  And I love new things.  In a totally non-materialistic way.  Heh.

Made me Smile

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I was on my way home from work the other night.  I drive through a little portion of a city that was sort of made for “date night.”  Near a nice mall, lit up tree lined streets, shops, galleries, restaurants and the like.  So I’m a stop light, and look to my left – when what to my wondering eyes should appear…

**cough**

I looked to the left and saw a man who looked JUST like Santa crossing the street.  I mean he had the hair, beard, cheeks, and belly.  Seriously.  Anyway, this isn’t any ordinary Santa…  He had on a t-shirt, down vest, and capri pants.  He also had tattoos up and down his legs.  And socks with sandals.   We’ll let that one go.

He was pushing a standard stroller.  My thought was, “What a cool grandpa!  When that kid grows up he can say his grandpa IS Santa!”  Then I looked down.  In the stroller, was an absolutely beautifully groomed Lhasa Apso dog.  Wearing a hot pink jacket.

It was the coolest, and most utterly ridiculous, thing I’ve seen in a long long time.

the waiting game

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You know?  I really hate waiting.

So, I had an appointment yesterday to go over the results of all the tests I’ve had in the last three weeks.  But I had to cancel – and the next appointment he had was TWO WEEKS from now.  Why’d I have to cancel?  Because not all the biopsy results were back yet.

When I expressed concern about that…  She said, “Well, if it was anything life threatening, the doctor would have called you.”

That.Is.So.Not.The.Point.

So more waiting.

That’s okay.  I’ll just sit her in continued pain for a couple of weeks.  NO PROBLEM.

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