My Winning Spam

I thought I’d share some mail that missed the spam folder today. So, I read it for the hell of it. I’ve included it in it’s entirety with my comments. Oh, and I didn’t clean anything up.

from: Mr Usman Shamsuddeen 8:29 am (25 minutes ago)
reply-to: inter_rmittance@terra.com.ve
to: sparksfley@gmail.com
date: 2 Nov 2007 15:29:03 -0000
subject: NOTIFICATION OF PAYMENT VIA ATM CARD

Dear Sir/Madam, [If it’s so important you should already know I’m a girl asshat – not to mention my name]

This is to officially inform you that we have verified your contract file presently on my desk, and I found out that you have not received your payment due to your lack of co-operation and not fulfilling the obligations giving to you in respect to your contract payment. [I apparently had a job! And I didn’t do it! For shame.] Secondly, you are hereby advised to stop dealing with somenon-officials in the bank as this is an illegal act and will have to stop if you so wish to receive your payment immediately. [So I’m not allowed to talk to the “non-officials.” Guess I’ll have to stop saying good morning to the security guard.]

After the Board of director’s meeting held in Abuja, [bless you.] we have resolved in finding a solution to your problem. [Wait. I thought I was the problem. Not fulfilling my obligations and all.] We have arranged your payment through our SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTRE in Europe, America,Africa and Asia.

Pacific,This is part of an ion/mandate passed by the Senate in respect to overseas contract payment and debt re-scheduling. [At this point I can’t figure out if I owe them money of if they owe me money.] And also the Nigerian Government is using this mean to rewards all the citizens of the United states and all part of Europe including Asia,Australia, South America, Antartica e.t.c and all those who have lost their funds in either scam [you mean there are Nigerian scams???], or an uncompleted business, or otherwise,You should know that if you are interested to receive your ATM card which will be credited with $5,000,000.00 united states dollars before it is been sent to you direct to your doorstep through the Fedex courier service,you will have to respond to me with your full informations, After your response you will be directed to the Fedex shipping courier representative whose name is Mr Edward Edward. [Wow. Mr. Edward Edward.]

He will send you your ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw your money via ATM MACHINE in any part of the world,and the maximum daily limitis Fifteen Thousand United States Dollars($15,000.00). [Dude, even if it was legit, I highly doubt any atm machine’s going to spit out $15,000] And also note that the Nigerian Government has taken care of the shipping fee of your ATM card [wow so generous], So if Mr Edward is requesting for another shipping fee, You will have to report him to me immediately [because God knows you wouldn’t want a scam to take place under your watch]. When you receive your ATM card, you have to alert me so that we can give you process of how to activate and make use of.

If you like to receive your fund this way,Kindly contact me with the following informations below.

(1) Your Full Name
(2) Full residential address
(3) Phone And Fax Number
(4) Occupation.
(5) personal identification.

This message is supported by the Nigerian Government, After you might have started making use of your ATM card, you can reward my firm one way or the other you knows best. [Wait. So I’ve now been told that they owe me this money. That I owe them work for this money. That they’re paying me this weird huge sum of money. And now I’m supposed to award them for paying me something that they’re contracted to give me.]

Thanks for your co-operation.

Respectively
Mr Usman Shamsuddeen
Minister, Federal Ministry Of Finance

Now. I don’t mean to make fun of the people who fall for this kind of thing. Because people ARE duped and it’s terrible. But I simply just do NOT understand two things. One: How can anyone think that this is real. And TWO: How to spammers make a living? I can see something like this giving them information to make money by stealing your identity and then buying things. But what about the viagra and stuff like that? Do people really buy that stuff off of spam? Really? ‘Cause I’d so hightail it to the doctor. I don’t know. I guess I just really don’t understand the point.