I’m sure I’ve written on this before. The Mother Guilt. I won’t even touch on the guilt that I feel coming from outside sources. I just want to talk about MY guilt.
The working-outside-the-home guilt. You see, I don’t want to. I never have. I’ve always wanted to be a homebody, stay-at-home wife and mother. That’s not financially possible right now and the guilt is endless. Joseph has so many problems, many I feel would be helped, although not solved, if he wasn’t in daycare after school. I hate leaving Logan in the care of daycare. I just… I don’t know…
I (and we) are trying to solve the problem. We’re trying to build our business (over in the right sidebar), which we’re hoping to build enough to first pay off debt, and then to bring me home. Really. But but but but but! I want to come home NOOOOOOOW.
If anyone knows of great stay at home and function jobs I’d really appreciate the info. I can Write! I can do tecnical stuff! And I’m the best damn assistant you’ll find outside the White House! My boss may disagree. But self esteem can sometimes get you through the day at work.
I’m actually close to tears. I can’t explain the desperation I feel. Truly. I just feel like I’m letting everyone down at all times. God, Jay, Joseph, Logan, my boss, my friends, even the ladies at my bible study – shoot even my house, which deserves to be clean. I’m stretched so thin. There really are only 24 hours in the day. I need to earn money during some of those hours.
I just… I can’t find the words. I guess I’m just hurt about it all. And it’s a wound I cannot heal.
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