I’ve been depressed lately, about

I’ve been depressed lately, about a variety of things. Today, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about siblings. I have three \”adopted\” (I was never legally adopted) brothers. Robert, the eldest at over 50, committed suicide in July. Larry, the next oldest, by all reports is doing badly, very addicted to drugs and alcohol. I don’t see him anymore. And Gary. He and his family try to be nice to me, sometimes, mostly when they want something. Like babysitting. I just don’t have the energy or time that particular relationship had. Then I have half siblings. Lee, I think, is younger than me by about 18 months. Stacey, I think, is younger than Lee by about 18 months. We all have the same mother, and they share a father. When Jeannette left me, at around 4, Lee was a toddler, and Stacey an infant. I never saw them again. I was able to write to them after their father died (when Jeannette left they went to New Jersey to live with him, I believe). I remember them. To them, however, I’m just a name. The adopted brothers were to far in age from me, as they were graduating from high school when I was a baby. The other siblings were too far from me both emotionally and geographically, since neither their father nor my parents, had any intention of promoting contact between us. I have memories of them, and of \”us\” and it makes me so sad. I think I may have an older 1/2 sister that Jeannette gave up for adoption at birth, but I’ve only heard vague references, I have no idea if it’s true. So, as I sit here, I have potentially 5 living siblings of some kind, all of whom I have NO relationship with, probably never will, and feel like an only child. An only child who will be solely responsible for her parents in old age (which is coming soon it feels, as my mother seems to be rapidly declining). I just feel very alone. I feel alone and abandoned by many members of my family. I realize that some of it may not be reasonable. But that doesn’t soothe the child inside me who’s so confused when \”Aunt Dee\” says, \”Why don’t you just call me Mommy. I’m your mommy now.\” Nobody seems to get it. I remember my first family. I remember them, and it’s as if I’m the only one who does. Everyone else wants to morph it into something else. It hurts being the only one who wants to remember and know. I want to remember and know.