I’m Struggling

I’ve disabled comments on this entry.

I’m really struggling in my life right now. I’m not happy in it. Changes need to be made, and I’m the only one who can make them. I’m discontent. I feel like I’m not living the life I want, and there’s no peace. I’m not happy at home or at work. I feel lazy and unmotivated. I feel ugly and fat. I feel like writing, both fiction, and here on my blog, and the words don’t come. I feel unattractive and unfeminine to my husband. I feel chaotic in my head, home, office everywhere.

So, I want to simplify. Find the peace. In various areas.

We’re renovating our home, which will take time, effort, and money – but I want to make it a peaceful place, with the colors that soothe me. Make it “my” home.

I want to be a better wife. Poe and I’s marriage is a good one. But I want him to fulfill his head of household position – and I think I might not be letting him. And I need him to. So I need to evaluate my roll.

I need to get closer to God – our relationship has been on the rocks. I know Peace will come from Him.

I’ve been looking into articles on femininity, and wife-hood. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll never be the definition, but I know that there’s a peace there… And the truth is, I can’t be the stay-at-home wife and mother I want to be. We’re in a position where I have to work. And we’re redoing our budget in order to get a handle on the debt we have. Student loans suck. So does childcare. I shouldn’t have to pay twice my rent for a couple hours a day of babysitting.

I’ve been very slowly getting my mindset back into FlyLady. There was an article on her business here – but the system is free – all that money they’re talking about is on products you don’t need, the services and ideas, and instructions and exhortations are all free, and always have been. Just thought I’d mention that, since I didn’t think that they made that clear enough.

I’m quitting Jenny Craig. (the money issue again.) But I think I’m going to join Saving Dinner and cook again. I just need to watch my portion intake. That’s the real problem for me.

I have a plan for everything but working out. I’m thinking Yoga. I’m thinking I need to move, but I’ve got to find a release. That’s the only thing that I really haven’t planned out yet.

And last but not least, I want to institute family night. Since I want it to be a tradition that will continue on for years, I’m thinking Sunday nights. The kids aren’t going to want to be tied to home on Friday and Saturday nights later down the road.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m in fix it mode in my life. I have these beautiful people in my life, and yet I’m frustrated. People who love me, and I feel weighed down by all my responsibility to them. I’ve got a lot of people who rely on me for various things, of all and sundry misc things, important and not important. Poe, Logan, Joseph, mom, dad, my boss, my coworkers… They all need stuff from me. I’m overwhelmed.

It’s time to simplify for peace.