I keep wondering lately… Why now? Why am I so intrigued by first mom/adoptee websites? I’m not even technically an adoptee. I think everything’s coming to a head. I have this feeling that my mom is on her way out of this world. Yes, she has kidney disease, but it’s stage 2 (which is really good). She is being tested for cancer, but the oncologist seems to think her readings might be wonky due to the kidney disease, and while he has to run the tests for due dilligence, doesn’t think he’ll find anything. But I just have this feeling. I can’t quantify it, or explain it. Jeannette, my biological mother, is also on her way out. She has a bad heart that was damaged by a viral infection years ago. She needs a heart transplant. She hasn’t really decided if she’s going to get one. She told my mom that she’s not sure she wants a life in which it’s all doctors and medication, etc. I feel like I’m losing all my mothers – even though I don’t really know one of them. I haven’t seen her since I was about 10. And before that about 7, and before that when I was 4 and she left. I’ve spoken to her on the phone a handful of times. The last time was to tell her of my brother Robert’s death (technically her first cousin), and the arrangements. I didn’t want to, but I was trying to be there for my mom who’d just lost her son to suicide. Nothing at all was said other than the necessary facts. Let’s face it folks, she – who named me – spells my name wrong on corrospondence. So, we not talking about some stellar cosmic connection here. So, why do I feel this way? This feeling of doom hanging over me? I don’t understand it, really. I think it may have to do with all my unanswered questions. Who was my father? Was it true he was a \”client?\” Do I have an older sister lost to adoption? Do you actually know who my father was? Why – WHY – did you leave? Why didn’t you say goodbye? Or did you and I just don’t remember? Why have you not ONCE remembered the day I was born to me? Why haven’t you reached out now that you’re dying? You’re the last to know the answers to my questions! Where are Lee and Stacey? Do you know? Do you know if I have any nieces or nephews? I’ve been told that Jeannette is an habitual liar. But was that a lie fed to me? I was told all kinds of things, but was that told to me to make me feel better that she didn’t contact me? I don’t like all this bubbling up. I thought I was well adjusted for everything that’s happened to me in the past, of which Jeannette is just a part of. But all of a sudden I’m having flashbacks to bad things, bad times, bad memories. I have had at least 2 panic attacks – I think, since I’m not entirely sure what they feel like. I’m under a tremendous amount of stress at work and at home. Perhaps that’s what causing the bubble up? I just hate the fact that I might not be as adjusted as I thought I was, that I’m not as in control as I was. I like controlling my life. It just feels so out of control right now, which means I feel like I’M out of control. Nothing has turned out as I thought it would. I’ll be 31 in 2 weeks. When does it get better?
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