I have a jumble of

I have a jumble of thoughts in my head, and I’m having trouble sorting them out. For one thing, I’ve been sick. Really sick with a terrible cold for the last week. I think I’m just now starting to get better. However, Joseph just started showing signs of a cold now. So, I’ve been seeing most of the attack footage and stuff through a haze from cold medicine (and lots of it), tissue, and a stuffed up head.

For one thing, this is just terrible. I mean it’s just a terrible, terrible, terrible, heinous, monstrous thing. I feel such a sorrow for those people who lost their loved ones. I feel even more sorrow for those people who don’t know yet about their loved ones. Yes, they have a shred of hope, but let’s be realistic. It’s going to be most of the lost who are dead. And when you think about it, are they ever going to be able to find closure through a funeral service? I know it’s a terribly morbid thought, but are they going to be able to find enough to make identifications for burial? Those are the people I feel most srrow for.

I feel violated by a lot of things. By the fact that someone could do this. By the fact that we let them (unintentially). By the media coverage cramming this down my throat 24/7. By my need to see these images over and over again. Perhaps, I’m subconsiously trying to numb myself to it.

I feel the need to retaliate, knowing that I will have nothing to do with retaliation.

I feel that I need to keep living as I always have. If we don’t, what kind of life would we have?

On another subject, although somewhat related, my husband’s birthday is Tuesday. The one week anniversary of this awful act. I had plans to take my husband to Medieval Times, someplace he’s wanted to go to for years, for a birthday party. I still plan on taking him. And I feel guilty. Why should we be feasting and making merry while these poor people are trying to find their loved ones. But then again, what could be a better celebration of life, than to celebrate the birth of the most important person in my life?

I know that there aren’t any real answers to the questions that I have right now. And I’m worried that any retaliation efforts made on our part will lead to an all out WWIII. But I can’t stop my life because of this. I can’t stop the joy, because that’s what life is – trying to balance the sorrow with the joy. I think I shouldn’t feel guilty, because I haven’t done anything wrong. But somehow, I do. Somehow, I feel like I should have been more effected by this.