I haven’t been writing the last couple days. I have a feeling I’m PMSing as everything feels very much towards the surface.
We’ve been looking at jobs for Jay. We’re looking in California, Arizona, and Nevada, as those are the states that my parents’ medical insurance can travel to, should Jay’s career take us there. Honestly though, I don’t see how they can move. I mean they’ve lived in the same house for 40 years. My father’s a pack rat. All this stuff. My mother has kidney disease and life long heart disease. How could she leave all the doctors that she likes? It just doesn’t make sense. But then again, he doesn’t have a job anywhere yet. But I made him promise not to quit his current job until he finds something else.
As far as the search goes… I think I’ve found my older sister’s birth registry. Of course, that’s not her adopted name. I’ve got several irons in the fire as far as that goes. I don’t even know if she was fostered out, or an adoption agency was in place. I’ve written to my uncle Tommy to see what he remembers, and just for memories of what Jeannette was like when they were young. I’ve written to a man who may be my father. Mike Mahaney. Possible. We’ll see if I get an answer. I’ve also registered with ISRR, which from my research is the largest registry. I’m trying to take things slow – both for my sanity as well as from my ignorance of how to do these things.
Joseph’s cat scan and EEG were both negative, which is a good thing. Now I’ve got calls in to the district psychologist so we can start behavioral testing, which the psychiatrist doesn’t do. Hopefully that’ll shed some answers.
I have certain things I can’t seem to express. I’m very dissatisfied with my life right now in that I just don’t feel I’m living it “right.” I wish to be closer to God, live healthier, be a better homemaker, mother, and wife. I just feel like I’m not living up to the standards I feel I should be living up to. That’s so very frustrating for me. Bothersome. I’m not sure what I need to do to fix it, other than to DO it. My first step, I believe, needs to be towards God.
To that end, Jay and I tried a new church today. I’m hoping it will become our new home church. Of course, today may not have been the proper example of the regular type of services, being Easter and all. But the timing just seemed to be right. What I mean by that is their just opening up registration for the new women’s bible study, and a luncheon for May. It’ll be a Beth Moore study, which I’ve wanted to do. It was just like invitations right and left that were meant for me, I can’t really explain it. It’s a foursquare church, which is a little more on the charismatic side than we’ve been in the past, so I’m still not sure. But first impressions seem to be saying yes.
Now, if we could just stop being cave hermits in our little dirty house, blocking out all sunlight – I feel like a vampire or a toadstool.
I just feel like we not LIVING our life, we’re just passing time.
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