I nearly forgot I was doing NaBloPoMo. That doesn’t bode well for the rest of the month.
Today’s post features me ranting about someone else’s parenting. Call it Parenting, You’re Doing It Wrong. One of the things I do in my professional life is provide advice in different categories via Skype. I do it through a service. I’m editing the below to remove the service, and make the idiot anonymous. The category this came through was parenting school aged kids. Also, I’m putting the rest below the fold – GRAPHIC WARNING: The discussion of sex (in the context of parenting) follows.
Here are my own opinions on the matter, before I post the discussion.
- To parent a child, you must address all matters, even icky ones. Not to do so is a disservice to your child.
- Sex, to some is icky and embarrassing. Even to parents. So what? Just because you feel embarrassed by the conversation doesn’t mean ignorance is appropriate.
- Your morals, household rules, and religion does NOT negate the responsibility you have to your child. In fact, it heightens it, because not only do you have to have to make sure your child understands the world around them, you also have to provide context and what the mores of your beliefs are.
- Not giving your child scientific, biological information about their reproductive system, puberty, sex, pregnancy, and STDs could be life threatening to your child.
- Not giving your child emotional, relational, moral, and religious (if you are) information in regards to sex and pregnancy is irresponsible, and potentially emotionally and mentally damaging to your child.
- Not giving your child information about subjects they WILL run into for the rest of their life is irresponsible and unforgivably ignorant.
- Not talking to your child about these subjects because you’re embarrassed is selfish and immature.
- Not talking to your child about these subjects because they’re embarrassed is thinking like a friend (a bad one) instead of as a parent.
- Regardless of subject matter, breaking house rules is subject to consequences. For that not to be the case lacks discipline, and gives an example to your child that what they do doesn’t matter. Even though my kids have special needs, and break house rules honestly because of them, rather than disobedience/disrespect, does not mean there aren’t consequences. It just means we take everything into consideration.
- It is okay to have your child learn from another source, should the other source be more knowledgeable. Examples include giving them books on other subjects, or enrolling them in a class (in fact I know a teacher on the subject!) But that DOES NOT MEAN you get to abdicate responsibility for talking to them.
- Just because you believe, or your religious scripture dictates, that something is wrong, does NOT MEAN they will not face the issue. Therefore YOU need to face the issue.
- Finally… If you don’t give them the information, they will find it from other sources. ALWAYS.
[10:29:15 AM] Michele: Hi [Wussy Parent, from now on known as WP] – How may I help you?
[10:30:18 AM] [WP]: hi madam
[10:30:23 AM] Michele: Hello
[10:30:47 AM] [WP]: my son started some bad habits
[10:30:54 AM] Michele: Okay…
[10:30:55 AM] [WP]: i want him to stop
[10:31:03 AM] Michele: What are the habits, and his age?
[10:31:29 AM] [WP]: 13
[10:31:41 AM] Michele: And the habits?
[10:31:42 AM] [WP]: dirty habits of watching bad videos
[10:32:00 AM] Michele: Are we talking about pornography, or other videos you deem inappropriate?
[10:32:10 AM] [WP]: yes
[10:32:43 AM] Michele: How is he accessing them? Online? DVDs?
[10:32:50 AM] [WP]: and also masturbation
[10:33:05 AM] Michele: How is he accessing the videos”?
[10:33:07 AM] [WP]: he is gttin dvds from friends
[10:33:12 AM] [WP]: i hope
[10:33:20 AM] Michele: OK. Does he have a TV in his room?
[10:33:37 AM] [WP]: yes
[10:34:19 AM] Michele: Remove the DVD player from his room. Simply tell him he’s using it to watch programs that aren’t appropriate to his age, and that are, technically, illegal for him to watch or own.
[10:34:39 AM] Michele: Have you had the birds and bees talk?
[10:34:58 AM] [WP]: means?
[10:35:24 AM] Michele: Have you had the sex/puberty talk with him – about the changes his body is going to go through at this age, and what sex is?
[10:35:30 AM] [WP]: he will use our tv when we will go out
[10:35:41 AM] [WP]: no
[10:36:07 AM] [WP]: i am embassed to discuss
[10:36:12 AM] [WP]: he will feel bad
[10:36:40 AM] Michele: Well – You have to get over it. Obviously his hormones have hit, and he’s searching out the information he’s not receiving from you.
[10:37:05 AM] [WP]: he is here
[10:37:15 AM] [WP]: can u convince him
[10:37:21 AM] [WP]: generally
[10:37:37 AM] [WP]: don’t tell that i have seen him watching porn
[10:38:53 AM] [WP]: ?
[10:39:01 AM] Michele: No. This is highly inappropriate, I am not a teen counselor. YOU need to have this conversation because YOU are the parent. You need to stop abdicating responsibility, because he’s receiving the information elsewhere. You need to tell him what sex is. What puberty is. What he’s going to be feeling. What your family’s moral expectations are. What contraception is. This is something you need to do.
[10:39:58 AM] Michele: In regards to pornography – if you don’t like it in your house, you need to tell him that’s the rule. He breaks the rule? He faces whatever the consequences are in your house.
[10:40:13 AM] [WP]: pls madam
[10:40:32 AM] Michele: In regards to masturbation, that’s HIGHLY normal for his age. You have to, however, have the discussion regarding what’s appropriate time/place/ and that it is a private thing.
[10:40:40 AM] Michele: No – I will not explain sex to your child.
[10:40:40 AM] [WP]: he will feel ashamed if i tell
[10:40:46 AM] Michele: So?
[10:41:03 AM] Michele: He needs the information, and he has to live in this body. Period.
[10:41:15 AM] [WP]: not sex
[10:41:27 AM] [WP]: just personaly spea
[10:41:31 AM] [WP]: not abt that
[10:41:43 AM] Michele: I don’t understand what you’re asking me?
[10:41:47 AM] [WP]: just normaly
[10:41:56 AM] Michele: Normally, what?
[10:42:15 AM] [WP]: just an introduction to what i will tell
[10:42:35 AM] Michele: I’m sorry, that’s inappropriate for this medium.
[10:42:37 AM] [WP]: i will tell those abt sex
[10:42:54 AM] [WP]: but give an intro
[10:42:58 AM] Michele: No, I’m sorry.
[10:43:06 AM] [WP]: so he will be more comfotable
[10:43:07 AM] [WP]: pls
[10:43:18 AM] Michele: No.
[10:43:27 AM] [WP]: personally have u discussed this ith ur child?
[10:43:50 AM] [WP]: what all things i have to tell
[10:43:56 AM] Michele: Yes. Both of them, aged 12 & 10. And my husband has had private discussions with them as well, as male to male.
[10:44:23 AM] [WP]: so my husband should tell
[10:44:25 AM] [WP]: ?
[10:45:01 AM] [WP]: he is not here
[10:45:03 AM] Michele: You need to explain what sex and reproduction is from both a physical and emotional perspective. You need to explain what is going to happen inside their own body. You need to address masturbation, hormones, contraception, disease, and what the rules/morals of your family are.
[10:45:30 AM] [WP]: yes
[10:45:39 AM] Michele: You both should sit down with him, and tell him if he has questions to come to either of you, and that you understand if he’d rather discuss it with your husbad.
[10:45:48 AM] [WP]: will mastubation will cause any problems?
[10:46:33 AM] Michele: Regardless of what some will tell you – every boy goes through this. Masturbation is normal. However, a discussion over what’s private might be in order.
[10:46:40 AM] [WP]: head that it will cause blindness and curving of penis
[10:46:50 AM] Michele: That is utterly ridiculous.
[10:47:01 AM] [WP]: ?
[10:47:24 AM] Michele: No. It will not cause physical changes.
[10:47:34 AM] [WP]: yes
[10:47:57 AM] Michele: Yes, what?
[10:48:12 AM] [WP]: he is watching worst videos
[10:48:30 AM] Michele: Take the DVD player out of his room.
[10:48:50 AM] Michele: If he watches when you’re gone, and you find out, institute consequences, like grounding, for not following house rules.
[10:48:54 AM] [WP]: that already done,but i doubt he is using our one
[10:49:07 AM] [WP]: i wil try\
[10:49:26 AM] [WP]: thanx anyway
[10:49:32 AM] [WP]: for u help
[10:49:45 AM] Michele: Thank you, have a nice day
[10:49:53 AM] The user has ended the conversation.
Leave a Reply