From Your Friendly Neighborhood Crossing Guard

As a way for my family to make ends meet, I took a part time job as a crossing guard for the last 3 months.  It is an extremely busy main drag in our town, a four lane four way signal.  Here are my notes:

For the Drivers:

• See that sign?  It says “No U Turn.”
• See those THREE signs?  They say “No Right Turn on Red.”
• If I’m in the intersection – with my obnoxious neon vest, red hat, and huge red sign?  Don’t run the red light.  I’d like to live to see my children grow up.
• Don’t stop IN the crosswalk.  If you do, I have to make the pedestrians wait another cycle of lights because you’re an idiot.
• Don’t yell out your window at me, even to be funny.  At your speed, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
• Don’t honk while right next to me.  I may pee.  No, I’m not kidding.
• My hand signals are not for you.  If they were, I’d be facing you, making eye contact.  I’m not a traffic cop, and I’m not signaling you from the sidewalk.
• I WILL give your plate number to the Sheriffs.  Also?  They like me.

For the Pedestrians – Kids and Adults Alike:

• Did your parents really teach you to act that way?
• Yes, I will yell at you if you attempt to cross the street IN a SHOPPING CART.
• Also?  Use the brain God gave you.
• Yes, I cross everyone.
• Yes, I know you’re not a kid.
• Yes, It’s company policy.
• Yes, I get paid.
• Also, it’s rude to ask my salary, seriously.
• Yes, it’s a real job.
• If you’re gonna get bitchy ’cause I broke your stride, use a trail or track – not the public street.
• Did you really just do the “jogger snot rocket” thing next to my shoe?
• Get off your skateboard or bike. Repeat.
• Judging by your walking while talking on the phone skills, I suggest that you not try chewing gum.
• “Thank you” never hurt anyone.
• Don’t ignore me when I speak to you.  It’s rude.
• When I tell you to hurry up, it’s probably because the light turned.  HURRY UP.
• Tie your shoelaces.
• I’m a mother, I can totally take you.  Do that again, and I’ll smack the back of your head.