Is this depression? This fog I find myself just coming out of? When the day to day “have-tos” seem to be all I can get through?
The last few weeks… They’ve been rough. Some from outside actions (both kids ending up with multiple week groundings). Other times because I just can’t hang. Some days all I would do were my work shifts, and make sure the kids were fed, clean, and had their homework done. WHAT I fed them may be up to nutritional interpretation. But the laundry would get backed up, the house wouldn’t be picked up, the dishes were done simply because there weren’t any clean ones left. And I would sleep any chance/excuse/time I could.
I feel like I’m just coming out though. I’m starting to feel better physically, feel better mentally. I actually want to go on a walk today. Which is outside. Where other people may be. So, yeah, I’m coming out of it.
Plus, we went to Disneyland/California Adventure (more on that in a later post) for family celebrating over the weekend, and even though there was a press of people (of course), and my kids were on excitement overload, and I didn’t get to sleep in my own bed, I didn’t lose my shit. That’s another reason I think I’m on the mend.
But, when you don’t have healthcare, and can’t afford doctor visits, much less $150/week for a potential therapist, what do you do? I can’t see a doctor, and can’t afford medication. What do I do? That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. What do I do? The only thing I know to do is to try to keep relationships (my kids/my husband) a priority, try to keep stability/security for the kids, and let the rest go to hell while I crawl under a rock. I don’t know any other way.
You can kind of see it through the blog. I might not actually write about it, but when I write at all – it’s more and more infrequent as the bout goes on. I’ll be completely honest with you. Today, and my last entry, were only written at all because my advertiser wrote and said, “Um, Hello?” So, yeah. I love writing. Just the act of it, the clicky-clack, of the keyboard is soothing to me, so I should write MORE when I’m depressed. But all I can do is stare at the screen. There’s nothing to write about. Why? Because when I’m in a depression, I’m actively trying not to think. In a depression, thinking too deeply leads to panic attacks, or horrible bouts of making crap up in my head, mourning over it, and then berating myself because it hasn’t even happened. Writing tends to make me think. You see the conundrum.
Ah well. This is my journal. These are my thoughts. This is what’s going on. I’m trying to make my way out. I’m trying. That’s all I can promise right now. I’m trying.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. Thank you for writing at all. I think you are doing what you can do and that is huge. See if seeking God helps, but if you don’t feel it don’t beat yourself up. Try just knowing He’s there…even when it sucks. Miss you.
So sorry to hear you’re suffering! You’ve probably already checked into this, but when I didn’t have insurance I went to the county mental health program. It’s not great, but I was able to get meds through them for about 10 bucks a prescription and 10 bucks a visit. It helped me through a really tough time.
Hang in there!
I understand, I’ve been in the same position, still am actually. No insurance, depression that is terribly acute during the winter months (SAD) and lessens during the spring/summer but is still there hovering. I don’t have any good answers though. Wish I did. I try and power through, stay busy. I try to not think about it too much and I make sure I communicate as thoroughly as possible with my husband because he’s my rock in all of this.
I say hang in there and we’ll both hope for a brighter, happier future.
I’m feelin’ ya! Oh BOY am I feelin’ ya. I just want to stick my head in a vat of ice cream. Depression sucks.
I have no original advice to share so…keep on truckin’…fake it ’til you make it…buck up lil’ camper…