Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Now What?

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My history with blogging is long… Very long.

I’ve always been a diary person, logging my thoughts, hopes, dreams, lists, whatever in a personal journal.

I was an early user of personal computers. I learned in about 1992, in a summer school word processing course, that I was able to get my thoughts out quicker, and easier, when I typed. I got my first PC around that time as well. An Apple IIC+ that my mom got me for free by opening a bank account (the latest in the “Free Toaster!” type of marketing). So, I started keeping my thoughts on floppy disk, instead of handwriting them in a paper notebook.

I was eventually able to upgrade my PC, and was able with one of those AOL CD’s you got in the mail, to connect to the internet, and the world opened up to me. I thought have my diary online might be interesting, and in stumbling around, found others doing the same thing. These were “online journals.” Coded in basic scratch html, in notepad, and uploaded to your server space (I got some free space with my AOL account). I hand coded every bit of it. I don’t remember what I called it. Probably Keeargo’s space or some such – I remember Keeargo was my online handle at the time – I think. Sparksfley, and Sparks and Butterflies, both definitely came after marriage, because they were a byproduct of a conversation with Jay. Eventually the evolution of sharing your life online included “web logs.” Note: Online journals were longer diaries with your thoughts. Web logs were shorter, more bullet point type things. Eventually the language changed and “web logs” turned into “blogs.” I remember people were very definitive about web logging and journaling, and the difference between the two. Eventually as online software progressed, the two worlds merged to use the same technology and vernacular, and “blogging” became a verb.

I’ve been writing online since about 1995. My current archives go back to May of 2000 – my oldest, Joseph was a month old. (I lost all the older archives in a fried computer incident before I learned the words BackupBackupBackup and save.) To put that in perspective, that child is now 15 years old and a sophomore in high school.

I was a part of the first wave of “mommy bloggers.” I HATED that term for a couple of reasons. The title seemed to say that I only wrote about my kids and/or parenthood. That wasn’t true. I had been journaling online before I even met my husband. So while I continued to journal into my parenting years, I was blogging about my life, not just one aspect of my life, so it felt like an inaccurate term. The term also felt dismissive, like being a “mommy” somehow reduced the amount of brain cells I had, or somehow negated my opinions. Regardless, I was caught up in that momentum. Marketers were taking notice of both the technology, and the market of mothers. I had advertising. I went to conferences. I did paid reviews. I monetized. I was a part of blogging communities and lists and online events and social media advents like Twitter. The whole.nine.yards. Kit-and-kaboodle. The whole shebang. The whole enchilada… You get it.

But things started getting complicated. My kids started getting older. I had to make decisions on what to share, what not to share. My kids started having physical, emotional, and behavioral special needs. Opening up about those things also opened me up to a whole lot of judgement. My mom’s health declined. I was needed more and more. My son’s mental health was going downhill. It was all so crazy that I quit a job I loved to work from home, because I essentially needed to be geographically located there to help my dad deal with my mom, help my mom, handle all the IEP meetings, and conferences and medical appointments and evaluations.

In addition, the blogging community felt as if it was changing. It was no longer about the freedom of expression, and having a place to vent, and holding a space with others, knowing you weren’t alone. It became about clicks, and visitor numbers, and page views, and Google rankings. It became a high tech version of a junior high popularity contest. In order to keep up with all that you had to churn out (well written, well researched, potentially popular and/or controversial) content to remain relevant or you were punted to the curb, and didn’t get to participate in the goodies. While my priorities were in the right place with my family, I still had a ton of anxiety of the fact that I couldn’t keep up with what blogging had become. I started writing less. You can only say “life sucks right now” in so many ways.

Mom became sicker and sicker. Home care was eventually needed. I was my Dad’s respite worker.

My oldest had tons of medication changes and was in and out of mental institutions.

My husband was out of work for a couple of years and eventually had to change careers entirely.

My younger son needed care and attention with all this going on.

I still had to build my at-home business, because we couldn’t live on Jay’s income alone in our Los Angeles suburb, but I HAD to be available to everyone for everything.

Then mom died.

Then my blog was just gone and sold through no fault of my own.

There’s a reason I developed ulcers, is what I’m saying.

I’m back on a slightly different URL. Maybe I’ll get readers back, maybe I won’t. But you’ll notice the blog is very bare. It is just my thoughts. No advertising. No sponsoring. I’m going back to my html in notepad days in terms of mindset. I’m scheduling time in my planner for writing out my thoughts. Hopes, dreams, rants, raves, tantrums, loves.

The Benefits of Silence

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I know the blog has been silent. I make no apologies for it. It stems from two things. One, unless I’m really riled up about something, when I’m contemplative or struggling, I go inward. I have to work it out inside. And when I mean inward, I mean in all ways. On the blog, on Facebook, with my friends and acquaintances I see in “real” life, etc. It wasn’t always this way. My blog really is my journal, and I’ve treated it as such. Two, I have a larger audience now. I don’t mean audience as in “My Adoring AUDIENCE” (although I hope you are one), I mean in more of a personal sense. Family has found my blog. While they remain silent about it, I’m not stupid, am technologically more advanced than some of them, and I know they are there because I know where to look. And my children will probably read it eventually. While I don’t mind them reading struggles I’ve had in raising them, as I am a human being, and raising children is a struggle, as they are human beings as well – that’s just reality – They are getting older now. Their stories, as often as I may want to share them, are THEIR stories. They are less symbiotic with me, and starting to travel their own roads, and I don’t want to present their stories, I want them to, eventually. I don’t let them on the internet at home yet, however, they do use the computers at school, and at home with my supervision for school, so their reality (literally and figuratively) is important to me. And so. I only write here when I want to and feel the urge to say something. Our current living situation is very same ‘ol, same ‘ol. Same lack of funds. Still working on the business and Poe’s opportunity. The kids have the same special needs with no outstanding issues to face. So I must feel led and prompted to write.

I know that blogging is now “Blogging – the Business.” It wasn’t always that way. It all started out as online journals. There was no software, although people did create graphics and give them out free to the journalers who were graphically impaired, such as myself. We wrote the html code by hand in notebook, or another text editor. We hand coded the “next” and “previous” and archives. We uploaded it to our free 10 mgs of server space given to us on our AOL or other isp accounts. They were real journals. Commenting didn’t exist, but people would email their comments. Eventually, that led to “Web-logging” or “weblogging,” which was a more of a “here’s what I did today real quick” instead of a long journal entry (kind of like a personal slightly larger than 140 char. twitter). That eventually led to software/platforms that you see today, as well as the terms “blogging” and “blog.” In fact, there was quite a controversy at the time between the “online journalers” and the “webloggers” as to which was a more… authentic or true or “right” way to do it. Eventually, though, the controversy resolved itself because the two kind of melded. Although, personally, I feel that what we term as “blogging” today is more of what us online journalers did, and our Twitter and Facebook entries are now what “weblogging” was then.

I’ve been doing this online writing thing since 1995. For those counting at home, that’s 17 years. I’m 37 years old. That means I’ve been blogging/writing online almost half my life. Longer than my 12 & 10 year olds have existed. Longer than the 14 years I’ve been married. I’ve been around a while. I don’t look at blogging the same way as other folks do. I don’t look at my stats, really. In fact, when an opportunity comes my way and they ask about my stats? I pass it by. You know why? Because you’re judging me not by my content, but by how many folks look at my content. You’re judging me not by my sparkling personality, but by how many friends look at my sparkling personality. I used to care. I used to want to make a living at this thing. But a few too many “you’re not doing it rights,” and a few too many clique rejections from the “Big Blogs,” and I just don’t care anymore. Because I was doing this before you were. I’ll be doing it after you’re gone. When I write, it’s because I have something to say, not because I’m struggling to find something to say because I need to crank out so much content to live up to my obligations. The only obligation I currently have is my advertiser BlogHer. I have to write once a month to stay part of that program. While that doesn’t always happen (I’ve been known to get a “where are you” email or two), that’s an obligation I can live with.

You see, this isn’t business for me. This is my life. If I were to make money off it? I’d be fine with it! Ecstatic, in fact. But the fact that I’m not? Does not – I repeat NOT – negate the effort, and it doesn’t negate my life.

Guess what “blogging community?” I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. My stats don’t dictate my love of this medium. I do. And when you crash and burn because you equate your stats and “online worth” with the story of your life? I’ll still be here.

The moral of this story is… Unless you’re blogging for an actual business, or a blog on a very specific topic, live your life. Write your life in order to memorialize the story of your life for the future. Because you matter. I don’t care how many readers you have. I don’t care what your keywords are. I don’t care about your Alexa rating. I don’t care about that Klout standing thing. I care about if you’re telling your story, telling it authentically, telling it ethically, and growing (personally, not necessarily financially) from the experience. THAT’s the beauty of this blogging thing. THAT’s the reason the personal bloggers should be here. Because then if great things happen because of it, it’s gravy instead of the destination.

Don’t get me wrong. If you’re succeeding financially from the endeavor, I am happy for you! I am! And I truly hope that you enjoy doing it while you’re earning that living. I do not begrudge that, and I want you to succeed. What I am asking you to do, however, is remember yourself in the equation. Remember your worth just for being you. Your words matter because you thought them, not because someone read them. Pouring your heart out on your blog matters not because the keywords triggered traffic, but because of the internal process of pouring your heart out. In the midst of the blogging conferences, networking, social networking, “how to do it” panels, and the pitch emails, please, please remember that.

NaBloPoMo – Yeah, We’ll See

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I decided to participate in NaBloPoMo this month. We’ll see if I can hang.

I simply have stopped writing about my life. I know it ebbs and flows. After all, I’ve been writing my life online since 1995 (archives here go to 2000). Of course there are going to be times that I don’t write. It’s hard though. Lately, I’ve been extremely introverted and in a very personal headspace. Big thoughts about my place on this earth, my spirituality, my faith. This is a good process, but for a whole host of reasons, I haven’t wanted to share it publicly. Because the process takes up a lot of my mindspace when I’m not doing the mundane work of a family, or working, I’ve felt drained and unable to write about anything.

Well, NaBloPoMo requires me to write each day – so here I am. Here’s hoping it helps.

I got Interviewed

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I got interviewed.

One caveat… She calls me a Mommy Blogger. I dislike that term. “Mommy” sounds to me like I have babies – my kids are 11 and 9, so that’s not true. Plus, I consider myself a “Life” blogger – I wrote before I got married and had kids, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be writing after they leave the nest. So, yeah.

Anna Deskins is a writer, and a huge proponent and lover of children’s books and reading to your kids. She asked to interview me – and the results are here on her blog, An Interview with Mommy Blogger, Michele. Go check it out.

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