But aside from that, she's still completely normal
Here’s my entry for the “In the Life…” collab at Word Goddess.
There are two which show the location of my work so they’re set to friends and family in Flickr. Let me know by comment or email (sparksfley at gmail dot com) if you’d like to be a contact in my profile (then you can see all of them).
Dear Michele,
Your prompt for January’s collaboration is “mother.” Please write about your role as a mom and how it’s changed the woman you were, positively and negatively, and how you feel about this role. Has being a mother made you a better person? Did you always know you wanted to be a mom? Explain your relationship with your mother and how it’s affected the mother you are today. What makes a mom a good mom? What kind of mother do you want to be to your children? What would you like them to remember about you?
I look forward to reading your entry.
Cheers,
Rasee
I’ll probably post this at Motherless as well. It’s hit a few buttons for me so I’ve been putting it off.
My role as a mother has changed me, yes. Not so much “me” but more my own perception of myself. When I started out, I wanted many children – always have. I wanted to be a stay at home mother, white picket fence, lots of kids, the works. I’m starting to realize now – now that my reality is so very different from my young dreams, that it was more about what I didn’t have than what I wanted. What did I get? A strong marriage, two special needs kids, no money, and the necessity to work for the health insurance for the kids, living next door to my parents in a craptastic sham of a house. Only two. I can’t handle any more – physically, mentally, fiscally, you name it.
I realized that I don’t think I am a good mother. I realized I have no patience. I realized what my limits were, and that it was important to recognize them. I want to do the things that in my mind make a good mother – but at the end of the day it’s as if I don’ t have any more in me to give. Do I think that motherhood has made me into a better person? Actually, yes. It’s made me, with all our problems, recognize the big picture, and what is and isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. It’s made me more tolerant if some things, but totally less patient with the bullshit – I don’t have time to coddle a grown up.
And of course it all always goes back to the way I grew up. At first I was terrified I’d end up being like Jeannette. Not a maternal bone in her body, and no real need/desire/capability of making real relationships. I thought maybe it was genetic, so I aborted my first pregnancy at 21 years of age. I could have made it work, but pressure from my ex and my fears of being genetically incapable of love both won out. It was later that I realized (when I met my husband) that I really did have the capacity of true love, and there was something in me for someone else to love. Ironically, we lost our first baby too. All my life, I both compared myself to, and fought against the genetic legacy of my biological mother. When our oldest hit 4 years old, I thought, “Okay… Here’s where I find out if I can stay. Here’s where I find out if I’m truly like her.” – but I stayed. I had no thoughts of leaving, of giving up. That’s the age I was when she abandoned me.
As for my mom (great-aunt, the woman who raised me) – She wasn’t your “typical” mother either. Older than the other kids’ moms. Generally sickly. Concerned with her own elderly mother. Absolutely NO interest in the PTA. But she loved me I knew that. She was (and is) neurotic and crazy and exasperating. But has ALWAYS been there for me. In an weird way. I called to tell her I was getting married, and she knew before I told her (she didn’t even know I was dating – it was a difficult time in our lives). Each pregnancy & the miscarriage – told me before I had the chance to tell her. We’re connected. but it can be a strange conflicted adversarial challenge for power. But she’d die for me or her grandkids.
I have no real “quality mother” role models for motherhood, so I struggle. Hoping I’m not visiting the sins of the past onto my children. What do I want them to remember of me? That I loved them. Wholeheartedly, with everything in me, forever, without a doubt – and that I did really try my very very best.
12 people who’ve made a difference in your life this last year
1. Poe
2. Joseph
3. Logan
4. Mom
5. Dad
6. Stacey
7. Debi
8. Doug
9. Amy
10. Pebbles (Yeah she counts)
11. Sassy (She counts too)
12. Motherless.
11 things you’d put into a time capsule from the last year
1. A recording of the teacher saying that Joseph is at grade level for math.
2. A recording of a sampling of some of the “questions” Logan has asked this year.
3. A picture of Joseph from his very first play.
4. The soundtracks I’ve worked on this year with notes on the process of each. Some of them really ate up a chunk of my life.
5. OK, so I lead a boring life, and 5 is all I can come up with.
10 things this past year has taught you
1. I lead a very boring life.
2. I can fight for myself.
3. I’m worth fightingn for myself.
4. I want things career wise I didn’t know I wanted.
5. Family is important, but what they do can change “family” forever.
6. Some family I don’t need in my life.
7. That Jeannette meant more than I thought she did.
8. That Jeannette’s lack of love for me meant more than I thought it did.
9. Someone who doesn’t know me can love me.
10. I’m worth loving. Whether I like it or not.
9 things you could have done without
1. Joseph’s 1,565,489.5 tantrums.
2. Joseph and Logan’s 565,489.5 fights.
3. Jeannette’s death.
4. Mom’s hospital stay.
5. My chest pain.
6. A film that shall not be named which made my life hell for 2 months.
7. Private parts made national. Ew.
8. Putting together the Christmas tree. I mean really. Does it NEED to be that complicated.
9. Money troubles. Still.
8 of the best books you’ve read and/or movies you’ve seen
1. This is truly exemplifying my lack of a life. I’m not sure I’ve done 8 even in combination with each other.
2. Happy Feet. Other than the fact that I contributed to it – it’s a great flick. I’m really proud of the small contribution I made.
3. None of the books I’ve read were particularly memorable, and certainly don’t belong on a best list.
4. Same with the movies – all I’ve seen are ones I worked on. Lordy I have a sad life.
7 little (or not so little) things you’ve done to make the/your world a better place
1. Raised 2 kids who will (I hope) make a difference to their world.
2. Recycle.
3. Contributed to charity.
4. Made one person realize she’s not alone in this world.
5. Was the contact point for one family to reach each other during a hurricane since it wasn’t in my area.
6. OK, so I’m not all that great at making a difference. Hopefully I’ve made a difference in other ways and didn’t realize it.
6 things you’d like the New Year to bring
1. Weight loss
2. Non-smoking
3. Health
4. Educational breakthroughs for Joseph
5. Success on the workfront
6. A windfall of money (the question didn’t say anything about being based in reality).
5 things you’re grateful for today
1. My husband.
2. My kids.
3. My family as a whole.
4. A good job that provides insurance for Logan.
5. Shelter.
4 gifts you’d like to give
1. Money to those in need (again – that reality thing)
2. A car to Poe (it did say “like to give”)
3. Easles (how do you spell that?) to the kids – we’ve all of a sudden got budding artists
4. Health to my family
3 gifts you’d like to receive
1. Clothes – I’ve literally worn holes in mine.
2. Money – always useful around here.
3. This.
2 things you wish you’d done this last year
1. Stopped smoking.
2. Lost weight.
1 thing that surprised you the most this year
1. How many hits one person and one family can take and still survive.
1. Your bio indicates that you work for/at a movie studio; what is it that you do?
Hmmm. I can’t get too specific, but the bottom line is I help put music into films. I work on pretty much all of them, from script to post. And that is all I can say. But! Here’s the view from my office!
And maybe if you click this link it may give you a hint as to where I work.
2. Have you considered having any other children or is your family complete?
Oh boy is it ever complete. Done. No more. Zip. Snip snip took care of that. I definitely do still get yearnings, when I hold someone’s baby – my last baby will enter Kindergarten next year (sigh) but… Joseph is going to be high maintenance for the rest of his school career probably. Logan has his impending surgeries and the recuperation from each. Who knows, with us, what the next child would bring. Plus – and I find it terrible that I didn’t find this out prior to getting pregnant – I only had a 60% chance of carrying either of the boys (or my other two angel babies) to term without one of us dying. So, no. Yes, I want another baby. No, it wouldn’t be a good thing for our current family.
3. Do you have pets?
2 Kitties. Sassy and Pebbles. They are annoyingly loved. I didn’t want pets – at all – because I’m the one who has to take care of them or harrass others into taking care of them, and I just didn’t want to do that. At all. But – they’ve grown on me, of course. I’m a softie. And one prefers to sleep with me holding her like a teddy, sharing the pillow, and body under the covers. How can you not love that. I awake with the other on top of my head, purring from the sheer pleasure of being near her sister. And they are half (maybe whole? Who knows who the daddy is.) sisters from our babysitter’s hussy.
4. If you were to move from California, where would you want to live?
Someplace very green. Like Oregon. Or Washington state. Forests and lakes and streams.
5. Why did you start blogging/journaling?
I started a decade ago. I’ve always typed a lot faster than I write, so putting my journal no a computer was just natural, rather than handwriting it. But then I ran into one – it may have been Kymm – and I thought to myself, I can do that! And back then, there weren’t web page editors like frontpage, or blogging tools or software. You handwrote the damn html yourself, and found someplace you could FTP onto… Mine was the 10mb of space you automatically got with an aol account. So that’s what I did. As for Journalling – I’ve been doing that particular act all my life. My husband says I should publish them. I may, just one copy, for myself. It’s a needed vent, and a way for me to explore things on my own – hash them out.
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