Sparks and Butterflies...

But aside from that, she's still completely normal

Living Nightmares

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I’m stuck in a living nightmare with one of my children.  I’m not able to process it completely yet here.  One – it’s not over yet, and I’m hoping to have a conclusion to the story tomorrow.  Two – I’m in a limbo of thought and action…  I can’t seem to accomplish anything.  It’s sort of like all my thoughts are reserved for this situation.

I’m not trying to be mysterious.  It’s just a really long story, and I’ll need to tell it in a manner that goes down the timetable of what has happened.  Here’s the really short version – while in the school’s care, my son made a really bad decision in which he could have been killed.  Because of that, my son is in a mental institution against our will.  Further to that, we were unable to get him out on time because the doctor can’t be bothered to work on the weekends.  And due to that fact, my son was almost killed tonight by another mental patient.

He’s supposed to come home tomorrow.  But I say that with really fat air quotes because I’ve also been told, “All due respect, ma’am, we don’t need your consent.”

If  he doesn’t come home tomorrow, we’re taking legal action.

Twice in less than a week my son has almost died when in the hands of a state entity that supposedly knows better than me how to take care of him.

I’m hanging on by a thread.  Mainly, all my energy is being put into being nice and mad, so I don’t become complacent and let them bulldoze their way through our lives.

I may go through the whole process of what has happened, but I simply don’t have the energy right now.  Please be patient with my not being particularly communicative at this time.

A Reader question

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Prior to bumming out on Nablopomo, I asked if any readers had any questions I could answer here.

Only one of you answered.  Headless Mom asks:

I’d be curious to know what denomination church you attend? And why have you chosen it? Is it different than the one you grew up in? What tips would you give to someone/a family searching for a new church home?

Hmmm.  Complicated.

If I were attending a home church, which we’re not for a multitude of reasons, but if we were, our first choice would be Calvary Chapel.  Not technically a denomination – but a Bible-believing church.  I was saved at a Calvary Chapel for one – but I like their philosophy of Bible study.  You’re not left to study on your own, and then come to church for topical applications…  No, you study chapter by chapter, verse by verse, and then make topical applications to what you studied.  There’s a difference.  It seems to me that if you’re a Christian who believes that Bible study is at the core of what you believe – you should follow a church that follows that tennet up in practice.  We’re currently church homeless, but that’s a personal thing that my husband and I are going through, as opposed to a reflection on church itself.

It’s absolutely different than the one I grew up in.  My mom was Lutheran, my father Brethren, and grandma was Baptist.  My parents, not really caring about religion one way or another, basically left it up to grandma to take me to church.  Since I spent more weekends with her than not – that was a lot.  The church we attended was very formal, very large, and very old (it seemed to me at the ripe old age of 7.)  If I had questions in Sunday School, I was hushed up a lot.  I would have been fine with “I don’t know,” but that was never the answer given to me.  It effected me a lot in the ensuing years.  I cannot speak for all Baptist churches, or the denomination, as that particular church was the only one I attended with grandma.  After I grew up a bit, adn started searching on my own spiritual journey, I studied a lot of religions and beliefs.  I even converted to one – Wicca.  However, that ended up being the wrong religion for me, as I truly feel there’s is one God (in both male and female form combined) and not Gods/Goddesses.  I also didn’t feel as inclined to the spiritual sanctity of nature as the religion calls for.  Eventually I found my way back to Christianity.  It felt right.  I felt a “thrum” in my spirit.  I have some ideas that the traditional church does not hold, but I feel sure in saying that I’m a Christian.

Now – as to tips for a family looking for their own homechurch.  First off – what do you believe?  Take time to pray, study, and search your heart.  Are you a Christian?  Do you hold true to particular sects?  Do certain ideologies make your heart sing?  Then go from there.  There are a few websites out there that have multiple choice questions stemming from “what do you believe” and then give you the religion/congregation that most matches what you already hold true in your heart.  After that, go to the congregations’ websites – most have them.  Read their statements of faith, and check out their church locations.  Most local churches now have their websites up, along with their statements of faith.  Read those statements carefully, prayerfully, and then listen to your gut.  For a Bible believing Christian, a word of caution – you’ll be startled to see how many churches don’t even mention the word “Bible” on their websites, hence my call for caution.  And finally – start visiting.  For us, we regularly attended a church for months, thinking it was our place.  Until the head pastor mentioned some things twice in a row that literally made us look at each other in shock during the service.  We didn’t go back.  My point is, you have to live with the church in your life to fully appreciate whether it’s for you or not.

Scientology – Article You Must Read

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As an update to my last post – while nothing has changed and I’m still not hearing from God, it was a relief to write it all down. I always feel better once I write it all out. Thanks to a couple of sleeping pills, I was able to get two full night’s sleep, so I feel better physically. We’ll live through it… We always do. God’s will will be shown, it always is. One’s spiritual walk ebbs and flows. I just hope it starts flowing again soon.

Now. I want to talk about something. I’m going to do it carefully. I have no wish for legal ramifications.

I have a long religious testimony – this isn’t about that, and how I came to Christianity. But during that time, I did an inordinate amount of research on religions, their tenets, their beliefs. It was a time of searching. Some people find themselves by hiking through Tibet… I do hours and hours and hours of research on my own without the help of others. 1) Research is a skill set of mine, which is one of the reasons I’m such a good assistant. It’s systematic, and that’s soothing to me. 2) I like to start my own opinions before bringing someone else’s opinion in to muddy things up. 3) I like my facts.

One of the religions I researched was the Church of Scientology. I can’t remember right now what prompted it – it could very well have been the fact that a number of celebrities are members, which may have brought it to my mind. The first place I went to, of course, was their own website. What are they about? What do they believe? What do services look like? I’ll be honest. It looked really good. A lot of things about what they believe make real sense and look good on paper. So, I did more research. And then I realized that I would have to pay. For everything. To me… That rubbed wrong. It was a religion. This wasn’t tithes you were paying, but actually paying for spiritual teaching. That didn’t sound like a religion to me, but a business. I fully believe in giving to your religious institution – as gifts, not as payment for services rendered. I fully believe that spirituality leads to charitable contributions of all kinds, as you want to help your fellow man who may need help. So while I do believe monetary things come into play, unless it’s an actual fundraising event (like the spaghetti dinner to help pay for the addition to the church) I don’t think money should be exchanging hands in the interest of spiritual enlightenment.

In light of that, I decided to do more research along non-official means. A lot of it has come to light in mainstream media, but at the time, these were early BBS boards, and people writing about Scientology under the guise of anonymity for safety’s sake.

While, I didn’t wish pay for my spiritual enlightenment – the real deal breaker for me was Xenu. Normally you have to pay thousands of dollars to find that treasure out, but the age of the internet has thrown all confidential information out the window. You can find other information about the religion’s beliefs at Operation Clambake, which you won’t find out at the Scientology website or Centers (until you’ve paid for the proper courses, of course.)

But, I am only one person who’s done some research. I don’t even have a stake in it, as I was not a member, not bilked, and none of my family is involved either. Who’s going to listen to me, and why should I say anything? So, while after all my research I concluded that the institution is a money-grubbing, scandalous, down-right dangerous institution, I didn’t think anyone would listen to me. There are other more articulate people out there who talk about it, and they have even more information.

However. The St. Petersburg Times has released (links below) a three part report. In the mainstream media. If you’ve ever considered the Church of Scientology, I urge you to read it. If you’ve heard about it, and just think it’s another religious denomination, I urge you to read it.

I absolutely am a Christian, and believe in Christ and the Bible and everything that entails. However, while I don’t agree with the tenets of most religions, I don’t knock them. I simply don’t believe in them, but I believe in those people’s rights to practice them. Scientology, however, is something I simply can’t say “believe your own way.” At best, I believe it shouldn’t have Church tax-exempt status. I believe that it was a way to package something to SELL, in addition to having tax incentives to L. Ron Hubbard when he was alive. At worst, it’s dangerous. People have died. People have been harassed to financial and familial ruin. Now, I know that people have died in the name of Christendom – but the year is 2009. We know better, and we have access to information.

No – this isn’t going to become a “knock Scientology” blog. In fact, I may not mention them again, unless something BIG happens. But the report is well done, and I really wanted to pass the information along to you. Maybe you know someone in Scientology. They’re not allowed to view material that’s negative towards Scientology, and in fact some use filters on their computers to prevent it from happening inadvertently. Perhaps YOU can get it front of them. The least you might do is save them some money. The most you might do is save their mind and life.

Here is Part 1: Scientology: The Truth Rundown, Part 1 of 3 in a special report on the Church of Scientology – Below the article you’ll find a index to parts 2 & 3, as well as more information.

Warning: Whining Ahead

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The stress is starting to manifest in physical ways. I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks, which I think is finally on the mend. I’m at the cough stage. Having 2 babies in 2 years did a permanent number on my bladder. It’s not pretty coupled with wracking cough spasms. I’m broken out all over. I’ve had an acne problem since entering my 30’s (as well as gray hair – it’s wrong to have both), but on my face. It’s all over my body now. The worst, by far, is the sleeplessness.

As I write this, it’s 2:22am. I went to bed at 1am. I tossed and turned and just decided to get up and write. Maybe venting will give some relief to my mind. Normal (which hasn’t been for months now) is going to bed between 10-11. I have no trouble sleeping once I get there – but I cannot turn my mind off at all when I get into bed. I have a meeting at 9:30. This day will suck. Plus, I have an event to attend which I’ll be writing about elsewhere, but that will bring me home around 11pm or maybe even midnight depending on traffic. I need sleep.

Poe’s been out of work now going on 4 months. The financial situation is very dismal. Our credit is going into the toilet. I don’t know what to do.

Let me be frank. I try not to get into spiritual or religious matters here, because a lot of my thoughts used to get written down in my prayer journal. But it’s all dried up. You see, I’m not getting any answers from God. I’m getting complete silence. Static even. Nothing. I try praying. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried just being silent and letting God talk to me, on the concept that maybe I’m just in the way of the communication – but nothing. And now I’m getting mad. Frustrated. Alarmed. Upset. Depressed. So what am I praying for exactly? Not a job for Poe. I’ve been praying for other things. Doors to open. Opportunities to be shown. I’ve always understood that there’s His plan, and we don’t always know what those are going to manifest as. So rather than praying for a job, I’ve been praying to understand, such as is there a plan? Can He give me peace while I’m waiting? Is He there? Does He hear me? I mean – who knows? Perhaps the world is going to end… Perhaps some other something’s going to happen… So, I pray for the knowledge of the steps I need to take. Should we even be job hunting? That one job fell through, and there’ve been no other nibbles. Should I be job hunting? Which is frustrating in and of itself, because when I quit my job in November, I did so with more than a year’s preparation and God’s clear leading on every little step. While I can sit and wait – I’m not even getting God’s leading to do THAT which is really very strange and I’ve never had that happen before. In past years if things felt like they were in limbo, or it was a time of trying, I always had the leading from God of “wait on Me, I’m your peace.” Right now? Absolutely NOTHING. I’ve prayed about lessons. Are we supposed to be learning something and we’re clueless? Nothing. Are we doing something wrong that needs correcting? Nothing. I keep chanting in my head “God will provide for His children.” But as we default on student loans, and the credit we’ve worked so hard to build crumbling, and choosing between food and electricity, I’m so very disheartened. Because the silence is deafening. I’ve looked into state help. Believe it or not – we make too much on unemployment, and would have to giveaway (not sell) our cars to qualify for food stamps. And no, we don’t have new cars – our newest car is 10 years old. Which is ignorant, because then how would Poe get to interviews and then a job when he can’t get there? We’re in the suburbs and don’t have public transportation. And so I pray some more. And get nothing in return. No peace. No signs. No answer. I’d actually be okay with “Wait.” That means there’s something in the future he’s preparing for us. I can handle that. Perhaps not without anxiety, but it’s an answer.

I don’t question God’s existence. I see it all around me. I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel you can go from nothing to humans who can perform brain surgery without a Creator. But I’m questioning a lot about everything else. It’s so disconcerting. I’ve been through an awful lot in my life. And behind it all I’ve had a Comforter. Even when things were at their bleakest before I felt that God’s hand was there to hold me and comfort me.

And so now I’m angry. Why did He tell me so very clearly to prepare and leave my job? It was very hard, and I had to face down a lot of obstacles, but I did it because I truly felt God telling me to. Period. So I did it. I absolutely have no regrets in doing so, even now. But WHY would He when He knew this was coming? I’m angry because His Word promises to never leave me or forsake me. I feel very forsaken now. Not because of our circumstances… Our circumstances seriously suck, but they’ve sucked before. But because I feel that His presence is completely gone, and that’s completely contrary to what I understand about His character.

I’m angry and bewildered. Saddened. Floundering.

I’ve always felt that God helps those who help themselves. By that I mean them taking the necessary steps to what they feel God leading them to. In other words, you don’t sit and pray and magically have food in front of you. You take the necessary steps to get it there, and God provides in those steps. I’ve had wonderful miraculous experiences happen that are fully God’s doing. And a lot of them were because I walked through a door He led me to, or told me to walk through.

But there’s such silence.

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